Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

502 replies

Dappy777 · Yesterday 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
BeaRightThere · Today 07:56

ThePM · Today 06:59

Magical thinking going on there.

The actual criminal convictions show there are plenty of men for whom this is sexually arousing

It wasn't 62 million. It was a couple of thousand. Obviously not great but nowhere near as bad as that headline figure (which CNN has retracted) suggests.

But it doesn't matter that it's untrue, this lie is clearly going to persist.

ForCosyLion · Today 07:57

Boomer50 · Today 06:36

In the 60's if you were pregnant and unmarried you were sent to the unmarried mothers homes . It was dreadful . These girls were treated like dirt by the people that ran them .... more like criminals . I remember it well as my father drove the Sunday School Bus and we picked them up .
They were disowned by their families and instructed by the homes not to talk to anybody like people may catch something from them . I will never forget it .

Yes, they were truly terrible days. My late father, born 1940, was in no doubt about that. He had something of a thing about the phrase "the good old days" because they were anything but. People moan a lot about today's world, but it's actually never been this good.

PiriPiriMenopause · Today 08:00

5128gap · Yesterday 22:57

Yes. In the 80s the school girl thing was popular in the trash tabloids.
There was once (at least) a count down of a page three girl to her 16th birthday (when she was legally allowed to be topless) which started with her dressed in school shirt and tie, and by the end of the week when she turned 16 she was topless still in the school tie.
This was in a mainstream tabloid and....nothing. Men read it on the bus, left it on the kitchen table, made crude jokes about it, pinned the pictures on the wall on the shop floor or at best, thought nothing of it.
Which is a rather sobering reminder of what ordinary everyday men will accept, enjoy even, if society permits them to.

Linsey Dawn McKenzie! I remember because I was the same age and thought it was really weird.

Holidaydreaminggg · Today 08:23

LBFseBrom · Yesterday 15:48

I am sorry you've found this. I hate porn but am realistic enough to know that some people, particularly men, are lonely and find some comfort in it in private.

Remember the young looking, 'babyface' girls in the pictures are grown women dressed and styled as youngsters. The man liking those pictures knows that and to him it is no different to someone dressing up as a short-skirted nurse in uniform or similar fantasy. He would no doubt be horrified at paedophilia (unlike the other person you mentioned who hung around child friendly places and took photos of real kids).

He may not have looked at these pictures for a long time and always intended to get rid of them, perhaps even forgot where he put them.

Just put it behind you, try not to judge.

Loneliness in elderly men is sad, probably why so many get involved with a woman so quickly after bereavement, often unwisely. Women get lonely too but are generally better at coping with it, are more independent, and prioritise other things in life.

Yuck. Stop making excuses for men being attracted to women that look like girls. It’s disgusting.

Recklessismymiddlename · Today 08:32

I’d say there are maybe a very few decent men. But scratch under the veneer and it’s there. It’s not women who rape in war, is it?

Forthesteps · Today 08:33

Confuserr · Yesterday 15:02

When my father died unexpectedly I cleared out his house with my siblings. We found old football memorabilia and lists of things to do in the various seaside towns he would take us to as children, to which he'd added marks out of ten, and evidently kept forever.
Obviously horrible men exist but they are, of course, not 'all the same'.

Well quite. I didn't particularly get on with my overbearing and opinionated father but after his death mostly what we found was just thousands of photos of foreign holidays.

Looneytunez · Today 08:37

MyMonthlyNameChange · Yesterday 17:47

People say ‘not all men’, but it certainly does seem to be a hell of a lot of men.

In fact I’d go so far as to say with confidence that the number of men who aren’t secret deviant perverts are the minority.

Can you elaborate on how you arrived at that conclusion?

Forthesteps · Today 08:37

Salsa2026 · Yesterday 21:27

Ugh… I just shudder at the thought of those men who follow hundreds of Onlyfans or apt porn type accounts. Gross. Makes me glad to be single.

I'm sorry for the person you replied to.
My DH has a friends' WhatsApp, no fb and all his bookmarks are financial and political news and views.

Rubyupbeat · Today 08:41

@bubblepink2749They are definitely not all the same.

inickedthisname · Today 08:44

Boomer50 · Today 06:36

In the 60's if you were pregnant and unmarried you were sent to the unmarried mothers homes . It was dreadful . These girls were treated like dirt by the people that ran them .... more like criminals . I remember it well as my father drove the Sunday School Bus and we picked them up .
They were disowned by their families and instructed by the homes not to talk to anybody like people may catch something from them . I will never forget it .

Well this isn’t true of everywhere. My DGM in northern England was an unwed teenage mother. She wasn’t cut off from any of her family and nor was her DM for not cutting her off - she had lots of support. Just not from her baby’s dad. She later married and had more children. Her story could play out exactly the same today.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · Today 08:54

inickedthisname · Today 08:44

Well this isn’t true of everywhere. My DGM in northern England was an unwed teenage mother. She wasn’t cut off from any of her family and nor was her DM for not cutting her off - she had lots of support. Just not from her baby’s dad. She later married and had more children. Her story could play out exactly the same today.

I agree, not the story for everyone. I know a woman who got pg at 13, had her DD at 14, in 1965. Her parents did not disown her or kick her out but due to her very young age the baby was placed with foster parents until her mum turned 16. Then she was given back to her mother, her mother married her baby's father and they went on to have 2 more children. Got divorced about 15 years later but remained friends for life and have a very close co-parenting relationship with their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren to this day.

LoverofGladioli · Today 08:54

Pornography ( as long as it is legal) and sex toys are not 'horrible'! Everybody, evrn our parents, are allowed to be sexual beings!

theworldisadarkplace · Today 08:58

Dandelionsarefree · Yesterday 19:32

I am very sorry this happened to you. Why did you feel you had to protect your mother from this? She should have protected you when you were small. I'm very sorry.

He bullied her throughout their marriage so her self esteem was rock bottom. And this was the 80s - she would have had very little support if she'd left. ( My father was an upstanding member of the community and likely would have denied everything.) And my DB had severe learning disabilities so she couldn't have coped with both of us on her own.
It's one of those situations where nuance is everything. OF COURSE she should have protected me and my DB, and believe me I very much struggle with her decisions. But life is never straightforward.

Looneytunez · Today 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Just because you had bad experiences with some men doesn't make it ok to attack ppl online. Get some help for your anger issues.

AutumnLover1990 · Today 09:01

Yellowpapersun · Yesterday 18:06

One of my grandmothers was very prim and proper. She was very judgemental about the way other people lived their lives. One of my cousins was in a long term relationship with her partner, they just weren't married. She became pregnant with their much wanted and planned baby and grandmother went mad, saying the child would have no name and they were disgusting for having sex outside marriage. She never spoke to my cousin again (no loss, actually!).
When she died, my mum found her marriage certificate, that she'd always kept locked away. She wasn't married in 1927, as she told everyone, but 1928, so she was 6 months pregnant on her wedding day. I'd love to have found out before she died and let her know I knew!

GM was projecting her guilt onto your cousin. Not fair really 😠

RupertTheBlackCat · Today 09:16

Sadly it's not only after death that men inflict this grossness on women and girls. My father had a stash of pornography that he simply left around the house, so I saw it from a very young age; I have no doubt that I was damaged by this. My mother was complicit (they were both alcoholics).

One day, many years later, I discovered that my husband had casually left a pornographic magazine on our young daughter's bed (he was "passing by and put it down for a moment and forgot"). My hatred for him began then, but due to his controlling violence it took another nine years to escape him.

theworldisadarkplace · Today 09:25

ForCosyLion · Today 04:10

They are. It all comes to light at times like this, when men you THOUGHT were decent, turned not to be, so much.

As a matter of fact I took the magazines I found to the local police station - dumped and ran. How else should I have disposed of them? Leave them out for the bin men?

theworldisadarkplace · Today 09:27

Sorry, this was for @T3hSheikan

Gardenalia · Today 09:32

Looneytunez · Today 08:58

Just because you had bad experiences with some men doesn't make it ok to attack ppl online. Get some help for your anger issues.

i would hope that experiences like mine would encourage women to be more clear-eyed about the reality of what men are like in relation to sex, instead of twittering on about being surrounded by decent men. I realise it’s pointless. I’m not going to stop trying. And if you think that was an attack then I suggest you get help with your resilience issues.

BeaRightThere · Today 09:35

Gardenalia · Today 09:32

i would hope that experiences like mine would encourage women to be more clear-eyed about the reality of what men are like in relation to sex, instead of twittering on about being surrounded by decent men. I realise it’s pointless. I’m not going to stop trying. And if you think that was an attack then I suggest you get help with your resilience issues.

Edited

No one is blind to the reality of what some men are like. But it is not all of them. The world is full of good and decent men. I'm very sorry for what you have been through and sorrier still that it has left you so bitter and full of hate.

Gardenalia · Today 09:39

BeaRightThere · Today 09:35

No one is blind to the reality of what some men are like. But it is not all of them. The world is full of good and decent men. I'm very sorry for what you have been through and sorrier still that it has left you so bitter and full of hate.

Only hate for men darling - women, children, animals, art, nature I love! And my life is wonderful thanks: clean, good and calm. Because there’s no man in it 😊. I can concede that there are some men who are not toxic in their sexual nature, and loads who are good fathers and colleagues that make a net positive contribution to the world. But I won’t stop calling out how foul the majority are at the same time, however much foolish women like you want to pretend otherwise.

And yes I’ve seen your ‘bitter’ and raised you ‘foolish’

Apprentice26 · Today 09:42

RupertTheBlackCat · Today 09:16

Sadly it's not only after death that men inflict this grossness on women and girls. My father had a stash of pornography that he simply left around the house, so I saw it from a very young age; I have no doubt that I was damaged by this. My mother was complicit (they were both alcoholics).

One day, many years later, I discovered that my husband had casually left a pornographic magazine on our young daughter's bed (he was "passing by and put it down for a moment and forgot"). My hatred for him began then, but due to his controlling violence it took another nine years to escape him.

One of my friends is divorcing her husband who read pornographic material to their child and cafcas think thats a historical mistake
That’s low the bar is

Over40Overdating · Today 09:47

As always on any thread where the secret lives of men is revealed we have the great men defenders. The NAMALTS. The how dare you my Derek is not like thats.

You are as much a part of the problem as the men. Because your need to intrude on someone else’s trauma with your self righteousness is why so many disgusting men get to hide in plain sight. To insinuate ‘well your father/husband/brother was disgusting so you are just conditioned to finding those men, not like me and my saintly men’ is victim blaming.

How many men who have been revealed as monsters were pillars of society with a wife and children who knew nothing?

The best you can ever say is your husband, father, brother is not like that to your knowledge. You will never know what they do in their private time like many on here until you are faced with evidence.

As to the ‘ackshully it wasn’t 62 million men’ - you are a disgrace. 1 man visiting a website like that is too many.

Men accessing barely legal porn is not harmless. It has spiralled into teenagers - children - being featured on main stream porn sites. Young girls being pressured into doing this content because ‘it’s fine, you’re 16/17’.

And we will continue to differentiate between porn and CSAM. It is not silly, it’s quite the opposite.

Porn, whatever your personal opinions, can be done consensually and even enthusiastically by consenting adults.
To call anything with children in it porn gives those who want to tell themselves they are not doing anything wrong accessing that content an excuse. Children cannot consent. It is all CSAM. That is the distinction we need to hammer home.

It never fails to boggle me that a site that endlessly villainises the existence of trans women because ‘they are all just perverts who want to harm women’ is the same site where any account of how badly men treat women will be flooded with NAMALT and how dare you insinuate every man is a threat.

ForPinkCrab · Today 09:52

Dorisbonson · Today 00:38

My father died of prostate cancer, he had many pills and medicines to take. He was a very organized man, kept everything filed and left notes for us on what do to after he died, his funeral preferences, notes for his eulogy. Everything was neatly packed and organized. There were no horrors, relatively few sentimental items, family cards, his parents ancient radio, old newspapers.

The saddest and most horrible thing was his notebook of the medicines he took each day, he would record what he had taken in which day. Over the last weeks of his life he persevered with his notes and his hand writing got worse and worse, the ink less heavy, increasingly illegible and then it stops in his final days when he was too ill to keep it up or presumably care.

To me it was a record of his perseverance against the disease. It makes me sad to look at it but I couldn't throw it away as it seemed important to him even at the end.

My dad did this too, he died of leukaemia , 2 weeks after a diagnosis. He hid that he was feeling so ill . He even left instructions on where to find his funeral docs , insurance, pensions etc. And the saddest thing was his notes on his symptoms , he must of been in so much pain . Still brings tears to my eyes 2 years later .

DripDripAprilshower · Today 09:55

LalaPaloosa2024 · Today 03:24

I read recently about an Indian man who set up an only fans using AI to put himself through university. It makes me smile to think of the men who pay to watch young women when it’s really another man.

What’s pleasing about that?