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Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

502 replies

Dappy777 · Yesterday 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
Laura95167 · Yesterday 20:09

This isnt horrible stuff its criminal stuff.

I might find porn distasteful but I dont think its a big deal old people have sexual urges too. But kids stuff, barely legal stuff - disgusting. Your poor DP i hope hes OK OP

Clangershome · Yesterday 20:10

CarrieMoonbeams · Yesterday 19:59

My dad had folders of porn on his laptop which were all neatly categorised e.g. "Big Bust", "Uniforms" and "Hairy" 😳

My brother deleted everything and did a factory reset type of thing because I was getting the laptop (it was much newer than mine) but I felt a bit funny about it and hardly use it!

My dad was 80 btw and had been ill for a number of years so I don't know why he didn't delete them himself.

My mum didn't have anything awful, thankfully, but she had a drawer full of cards that my brother had either sent her or made for her when he was a child, going back years. None from me at all!

Sell the laptop!

we’re you the second child? If so then just take that as a time thing. You have way more time with the first and then when you have more the years go by and you haven’t kept as much from the others.

Carla786 · Yesterday 20:11

I think it's grim that a lot of men are attracted to under 15/16/17 yos but this is not paedophilia. Arguably it's not biologically abnormal either.

This does NOT mean it's right for men to have sex or relationships with girls this age. It is NOT. But I don't think this attraction alone makes them perverts.

Brightbluesomething · Yesterday 20:14

Ex-P’s parents had separate bedrooms for years so when he died we were asked to go in and start to sort out his room so his mum didn’t have to. Rather surprised at the sheer quantity of German gay porn on DVD. A lot of moustaches. All mail order. A significant range of catalogues to choose titles from as well. What was even more surprising was that none of us had any idea as he spent so much time leering at me like a dirty old man, even in front of his son.

Also cleared out Ex-H’s Grandmothers room in her care home when she died. She was very religious and lived with her unmarried friend for decades. We found out they were lesbians. Made sense actually. I’ve no idea why I didn’t see it sooner.

redboxer321 · Yesterday 20:15

Clangershome · Yesterday 20:06

She was likely too distraught that her child died in infancy and her brain needed to not mention it. Grief does all sorts. It was her pain. This isn’t a dark secret. It is an awful tragedy

Agree. There's lots of shame on this thread. Shame that women should not feel but do, shame that men don't feel but should, shame used as a parenting technique by parents who were probably doing as their parents did rather than doing a better job...

What I don't understand is people finding things on the deceased person's phone or laptop. Unless I had reason to, I would simply reset to factory settings and recycle the device. I hope that is what people will do for me. Not that there's anything dodgy, it's just respectful, surely? Unless I'm missing something which I may be as I've not been through it yet.

CelticSilver · Yesterday 20:18

A letter written by my mother saying how much she hated me.

SP2024 · Yesterday 20:22

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 15:03

There's a HUGE background to this, but in the 10 years before she died, I thought i had a good relationship with my mam.
I bought Christmas and Birthday gifts with great care, trying to always make them meaningful and heartfelt.
When she died, I cleared her wardrobes out, and there were all my beautifully wrapped gifts, unopened, piled untidily in the bottom of her wardrobe.
The punch to the gut was huge.

It might not be because she didn’t like them. When I was younger I always kept things I really liked “for best” or for when it was a more important time. Meant I actually did things like go past expiry dates just because I was “saving” it. I’ve tried to consciously not do that as I’ve gotten older.

Magicschoolbusdropout · Yesterday 20:22

ChocolateCinderToffee · Yesterday 18:29

I had similar. Stuff I'd given her without the labels even removed. Useful things, like nice clothes.

My mother didnt even bother hiding it

I'd give her a carefully chosen present and she'd open it,tell me it was shite and stuff it into the charity shop bag (I was a single parent,didnt have much money and had to carefully save to buy her anything-if I hadn't bothered there would have been hell to pay)

If my brother bought her something (once he got her a Henry hoover) it would be the best present ever ('Henry's are the bestest hoovers on the planet,hes soooo clever to have thought of buying me one!')

Reading this thread reminds me of dps poor ex girlfriend (lovely lady who i get in well with)

Her stepmother and father both died within weeks of each other

She'd gone with her sister to clear out their flat and found toys,pictures and diaries of what they got up to in bed (or out of it too apparently)

She said their wasnt enough eye bleach for the close up photos,they toys had been bought from specialist sites ('it was like a baseball bat') and had to find out their sexual nicknames for each other (plus finding your dads very used fleshlight isnt something id want to experience)

I was just impressed he'd managed to get it up at his age (both where in their late 90's)

She did laugh about it (I dont think she was very close to him and only did it out of duty) but I did say to dp we'd have to have a clear out of stuff we wouldn't want our own adult children to find

Jane143 · Yesterday 20:23

HeadDeskHeadDesk · Yesterday 16:50

A friend of mine had an elderly relative-in-law in her late seventies who became unwell suddenly and needed to go into a care home. She was a very large and 'homely' looking lady who just looked exactly like you'd imagine your average 'granny' to look. Not glamorous in the least. The opposite, in fact.

She died quite soon after, and when her children went to sort her house out they found out that she had a whole secret life where she was having quite fetishy hook-up sex with much younger men who she barely knew. Her poor son was traumatised for life, I think. I really hope the grandkids never found out.

I would love to go out with a bang like this too! Good on her!

Jane143 · Yesterday 20:24

Magicschoolbusdropout · Yesterday 20:22

My mother didnt even bother hiding it

I'd give her a carefully chosen present and she'd open it,tell me it was shite and stuff it into the charity shop bag (I was a single parent,didnt have much money and had to carefully save to buy her anything-if I hadn't bothered there would have been hell to pay)

If my brother bought her something (once he got her a Henry hoover) it would be the best present ever ('Henry's are the bestest hoovers on the planet,hes soooo clever to have thought of buying me one!')

Reading this thread reminds me of dps poor ex girlfriend (lovely lady who i get in well with)

Her stepmother and father both died within weeks of each other

She'd gone with her sister to clear out their flat and found toys,pictures and diaries of what they got up to in bed (or out of it too apparently)

She said their wasnt enough eye bleach for the close up photos,they toys had been bought from specialist sites ('it was like a baseball bat') and had to find out their sexual nicknames for each other (plus finding your dads very used fleshlight isnt something id want to experience)

I was just impressed he'd managed to get it up at his age (both where in their late 90's)

She did laugh about it (I dont think she was very close to him and only did it out of duty) but I did say to dp we'd have to have a clear out of stuff we wouldn't want our own adult children to find

What on earth is a fleshlight? Do you mean flashlight ?

Tinselandtrainers · Yesterday 20:26

Jane143 · Yesterday 20:24

What on earth is a fleshlight? Do you mean flashlight ?

Edited

Google it! 😂

Reallyneedsaholiday · Yesterday 20:26

I’m feeling a lot better about my drawers of sex toys, after reading this thread 😂😂😂

Jane143 · Yesterday 20:27

Carla786 · Yesterday 20:11

I think it's grim that a lot of men are attracted to under 15/16/17 yos but this is not paedophilia. Arguably it's not biologically abnormal either.

This does NOT mean it's right for men to have sex or relationships with girls this age. It is NOT. But I don't think this attraction alone makes them perverts.

Yes they are perverts with that age range

justasking111 · Yesterday 20:28

Tinselandtrainers · Yesterday 20:26

Google it! 😂

No don't 🙈

NewspaperTaxis · Yesterday 20:28

bubblepink2749 · Yesterday 14:21

Sick. They’re all the same.

'I beg your pardon, Madam!'

Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***
Jane143 · Yesterday 20:28

Tinselandtrainers · Yesterday 20:26

Google it! 😂

I just did! Oooh err!!!🤣

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · Yesterday 20:29

AprilMizzel · Yesterday 16:38

There were also jars our baby teeth and the brace I'd worn on my teeth when I was a kid.

DH has all our kids baby teeth - as he doesn't know what to do with them and says feels odd to throw them away.

No - and some relatives have gone a bit odd at end - great aunt was hiding money and odd things all over place.

My kindle could raise eyebrows though it's behind a password so you'd have to look- though it's a minor part of my reading library- had an download issue with a text book - man I spoke to at amazon was looking down my list of reading and seemed amused I have such eclectic reading tastes.

Re hiding money, a colleague found £2000 hidden among a pile of newspapers and magazines after an elderly uncle (with dementia);died.

If dementia is involved, you need to check absolutely everything that could possibly serve as a container - old shoes, cornflakes packets, inside books, you name it. My FiL was a devil for hiding things - and then going mad (and driving us mad!) when he couldn’t find them!

Brightbluesomething · Yesterday 20:30

@Jane143 The PP does not mean flashlight. Do not google it. If you don’t know already then you don’t need to.
My ex’s grimy friend explained in far too much detail how difficult they are to clean, so he didn’t…..

CarrieMoonbeams · Yesterday 20:32

Clangershome · Yesterday 20:10

Sell the laptop!

we’re you the second child? If so then just take that as a time thing. You have way more time with the first and then when you have more the years go by and you haven’t kept as much from the others.

I am/was the second child, yes, there's 18 months between me and my brother. I was never in any doubt that he was the favourite so in a strange way it actually amused me to look through them and see that each card was from him!

(Edited to say, I phrased my original message badly, I meant to say that the cards etc from my brother to my mum spanned years - so ones he'd sent her as an adult too, not just as a child. Still don't think I've phrased it very well but it's been a long day!)

TroysMammy · Yesterday 20:34

SP2024 · Yesterday 20:22

It might not be because she didn’t like them. When I was younger I always kept things I really liked “for best” or for when it was a more important time. Meant I actually did things like go past expiry dates just because I was “saving” it. I’ve tried to consciously not do that as I’ve gotten older.

It says the presents were unopened so it wasn't that she didn't like them she couldn't be arsed to open them.

Namingbaba · Yesterday 20:37

I should do some Swedish death cleaning. I don’t have anything creepy. I think I have old notebooks filled of diary entries where I just moan about things and probably sound immensely self involved and miserable.

Newthreadnewme11 · Yesterday 20:37

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 15:03

There's a HUGE background to this, but in the 10 years before she died, I thought i had a good relationship with my mam.
I bought Christmas and Birthday gifts with great care, trying to always make them meaningful and heartfelt.
When she died, I cleared her wardrobes out, and there were all my beautifully wrapped gifts, unopened, piled untidily in the bottom of her wardrobe.
The punch to the gut was huge.

Oh no, how upsetting :( Do you think there’s some level on which she just didn’t know what to do with them? Couldn’t bring herself to Chuck them but opening felt complicated so she couldn’t quite manage that either? Rather than an outright rejection

MelancholiaOrRaving · Yesterday 20:39

UnemployedNotRetired · Yesterday 16:49

So not even 2% of adult men in the world with internet access. Assuming they were all male. And not just repeated visits.

Oh my God, you're actually trying to downplay that rape academy!? Well most men probably didn't even know it existed - but now they know these sites are out there. I bet even the upstanding members of the community who queued up to rape the unconscious Giselle Pellicot weren't aware such a site existed.

Namingbaba · Yesterday 20:41

I know someone who hired a firm to clean out their father’s house. I think part of the service is that they get rid of porn etc. Their father was a bit creepy so I think they did the right thing.

NewspaperTaxis · Yesterday 20:43

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · Yesterday 20:29

Re hiding money, a colleague found £2000 hidden among a pile of newspapers and magazines after an elderly uncle (with dementia);died.

If dementia is involved, you need to check absolutely everything that could possibly serve as a container - old shoes, cornflakes packets, inside books, you name it. My FiL was a devil for hiding things - and then going mad (and driving us mad!) when he couldn’t find them!

Also, if they have shares, uncashed cheques. My Mum was really on it, or so we thought, but also a hoarder really and after she died in a care home, with advanced Parkinson's, we found these, maybe hundreds of pounds, or so, in envelopes in her bedroom. Not really retrievable years after the cheque was made.