Do you know anyone who has never suffered any kind of adversity or difficulty in their life (or have you never)?

[Waitingforthesunnydays]

I have this friend in her early 40s who I went to school with. She grew up with two loving parents, middle-class family, nice village, lots of community spirit, never any major money worries, had a genuinely supportive group of friends at school, of which I was part of and we’re all still good friends now, all been there for each other over the years, no major fallouts. She was naturally clever, popular, and got good exam results & a good degree from a good uni. She never seemed stressed about exams etc. She’s always been good looking, always slim without ever trying that hard, as far as I know. She had a long relationship with a guy from school from about year 9 till she was about 20. She then dumped him cos things just fizzled out. She met the love of her life a year later at uni, who she married and now has two lovely kids with. They travelled the world after uni together. She had a dream job that she successfully climbed the ladder in till she had kids in her mid 30s. Both pregnancies were a dream. She then decided she’d had enough of the corporate world, was a SAHM mum for a few years, while her husband earned big bucks, more than enough to support all of them. She then successfully launched her own business which is now super successful AND helps people in need AND she gets to be as hands-on or hands-off as she wants, giving her as much time as she wants to spend with her family. Her entire (very supportive, very loving) extended family all live within 15 minutes of her. They live in a beautiful house in a beautiful village with no mortgage. Her parents have always supported her with money when she’s needed it. She’s never been financially insecure. They go on amazing holidays multiple times a year. She or her family have never had any health problems. She has tons of friends, and is a genuinely lovely, funny, down to earth person. I could go on! And before anyone says it, yes of course I am jealous! It struck me the other day though, that she has never, ever experienced any kind of adversity in her life (and I would know, we are very close). She’s never experienced bereavement of anyone she’s close to, never had a health scare, never been bullied, never had issues trying to conceive, never had a period of poor mental health, never had any money worries, never disliked her job, never even experienced heartbreak or rejection! She’s basically always got everything she’s ever wanted. I’ve never met anyone that has managed to get to their 40s with everything having gone so absolutely perfectly. I do think she must have zero natural resilience sometimes. I’m just wondering how rare this is. Do you know anyone who’s literally never experienced anything going wrong in their life?

I asked my then 13 year old as a part of a “let’s ask deep questions” game, what was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. I was braced for “the divorce” or similar.

He was very quiet and then said “when I went on that school trip to London and I dropped my yoghurt.”

Let’s all spare a thought for his terrible suffering throughout his entire life, culminating in this tragedy.

But bereavement WILL come; nobody can avoid that.

I don’t know anyone who’s escaped really, but I know that people process adversity very differently. Some of the people who have been through the worst of times are the ones who find gratitude easy; some really don’t, so their adversity affects them, and those around them, much more.

This is horrible, but I knew a woman like this. Led an average but charmed life. No adversity, just lovely family, husband, house, cars, holidays, etc. Just like your friend.

But when her son was in his early twenties, he suffered a fatal brain aneurysm completely out of the blue.

You never know what's around the corner. I don't believe anyone lives their whole life without experiencing some sort of unavoidable suffering. At the very least, she will likely have the deaths of her parents to contend with at some point.

I knew someone like that, she's spent her retirement helping her daughter with her two very disabled children.

Another previously lucky lady had her son die of a rare cancer at 26.

It can very quickly change.

My Dh- first class degree, sailed through professional exams in record time, worked overseas, retired at 53, parents in 80s alive and in good health, two children who are very bright and a totally amazing wife!

You have no idea what is going on in someone’s life.

I have lived what probably looks like a charmed life. Even my closest friends didn’t know what I was going through behind closed doors, the struggles I had with my mental health and the emotional abuse I was being subjected to.

I would add, her life isn’t perfect if one of her friends makes a post about her on a public forum. That’s not what a true friend does.

Bless your boy, I love that.

I hope that he has recovered from the trauma.

My life’s been pretty good. Lovely parents, who themselves had lovely parents. Good relationships with close family. Two healthy beautiful sons. Of course bereavements but in the natural order of things. My life hasn’t been peppered with tragedy. I’m v grateful and no, I don’t have great resilience.

How on earth do you know what she has or hasn't been through? No one knows what anyone else is facing or has faced in their lives, nor indeed what they will have to face. Most people don't broadcast their struggles so it's silly to look at someone else and think they have never suffered.

Are her grandparents still alive?
If so she will go through bereavement in the not too distant future.
Lots of people sail through life until they get a bit older than your friend is. Many marriages break down or one party cheats. Who knows what life has in store.

This exactly.

It's very tempting to look at someone else's life from the outside and make judgements - I'm certainly not immune! You just don't have the whole picture though

I cannot think of anyone in my life, friends or family, who haven’t been through hard times, some have been financial issues, mental health problems, domestic violence, bereavements, family members who have been addicts, disabled children, quite sad really, I know no one who’s had an “easy life”

He’s had therapy and you can still see the nerves as he peels back the foil. But he’s very brave. We’re hoping he can move on to a Muller Balls corner one day. Thanks for your post x

My sister. We've had two completely different lives, it's what happens when parents abuse one child and spare the other.

From the outside, if you don’t know me well, my life probably looks a bit like that. Bereavement in the normal course (grandparents and a parent) but nothing out of the usual, nice house, lovely family, successfully self employed, etc etc. But there’s plenty going on in the background that is persona and private that I wouldn’t share with anyone but my closest circle.

Honestly I think not having adversity is actually a form of adversity.

A certain amount of adversity is required to build character and without it I think that it is extremely hard to develop in character.

I think it is rare to have none.

I often (genuinely) describe the worst day of my life when a very unfit me went on a walk/hike up a local mountain in totally the wrong clothing.

So I very much might be the sort of person you’re talking about.

You maybe very resilient.Often those who have had a loving secure background without many adversities are able to cope when life is difficult. Those who suffered insecure, loveless childhoods often have so many traumas and poor life experiences that resilience is lower...because it's a build up, like a wound that never fully heals.

This is very true I think. Especially what you say about gratitude. I was very unhappy for much of my 20s despite having lots of friends, travelling lots, having a huge sense of freedom. I realise now it was because I lacked stability and predictably, which is something I didn’t think I wanted or needed in my 20s. I thought adventure and excitement and being in a relationship was the key to happiness. Now I’m in my early 40s, I have very little excitement or adventure in my life and no relationship. But I’m probably the most content I’ve ever been and have a deep sense of gratitude every day. I think it comes from overcoming a horrific period of my life where I was in an abusive relationship that I thought I’d never escape and my mental heath was at rock bottom. Now I’m a single parent with wonderful kids, living a simple but fulfilling life where I spend my weekends making stuff with my kids and cooking, and i genuinely feel happy. I think it’s a combo of the lack of ups & downs of the emotional rollercoaster of life with lots of excitement and unpredictability, and the gratefulness I feel every day that I’m not being abused anymore and I don’t no longer feel worthless. Maybe it’s motherhood too

I can’t think of anyone I know apart from my lovely 24 year old work colleague who lives at home.

I do hope with all my heart that my children can be this woman/ my colleague.
My parents shitty behaviour has left me with no end of shit to deal with as I approach midlife.

I had a friend very similar to this. However she perceived the smaller every day difficulties we all face as being really hard (and told us repeatedly how hard life is). I struggled in the end to sympathise with ‘we’re broke because we just spent 30k’ on a holiday when other friends were working all hours to keep a roof over their head and withdrew.

It got me thinking though about how maybe we all have a set point of how hard we see the world. I don’t want anything terrible to happen to her but when you’re that stressed at having not much money left because you spent more than some people earn all year on one holiday … what do you do when real stressors happen?

You don’t know that it hasn’t affected her. My sister was the ‘golden child’ and I was the scape goat. I only found out recently that the guilt she feels got so bad that she had to have therapy. She didn’t tell me until recently because she felt like she had no right to complain when she knew I had it really bad.

I think this is less rare than you might think.

Being lucky in some ways leads to being “lucky” in others. For example if you are lucky enough to have good health, good parental support and a good brain, this tends to mean you are also relatively likely to do well in your career and earn well, to have kids who do well, to have less stress because of the kids/finances being ok, to therefore be happier and more energetic and find it easy to stay healthy make friends.

And vice versa. People who are unlucky and don’t have the basics of health or supportive parents tend to struggle more with making other aspects of their life work.

So people often end up in either a virtuous circle or a vicious circle.

Different people are affected by adversity differently. Some people can smile, shrug off and get through things that would bring other people to their knees. We all define adversity differently and depending on circumstances. Being dirt poor when you are 20 and can live off Pot Noodle every day to pay the rent can be a fun 'we're all in this together' kind of thing if you're in a house share where you're all in the same boat. Being dirt poor when you're 40 and responsible for children and trying to cover a mortgage is different kettle of fish.

I was more upset when my old dog died than when my mum died. Most people would be the other way around. So when you see someone whose life appears to be charmed, they might well have had something that affected them very deeply and adversely that you wouldn't even consider, because it wouldn't have affected you, had it happened to you.

I don't think losing an aged relative is "adversity", because that will happen to everyone and is inevitable for us all (I suppose if that's all you'd faced you'd call it adversity?) I'd be looking at definitions, for example ACE - adverse childhood experiences like abuse, family breakdown, poverty etc. - that's what I'd classify as "adverse".

That's not really what I came on to say though: I do know a lovely lady who has had a pretty good life and great career, all family still alive and well (she's in her 50s) but she did an amazing thing for me recently - we sat down for lunch after a year apart and I was embarrassed to tell her I was now facing even more financial issues, losing my job, possible my home, DD is disabled etc., and I felt like a complete failure particularly compared to her, and she replied "Decision, you cannot compare yourself to me, you are dealing with a huge load of scary stuff and you are doing it all alone with no family and no resources, I have much more support than you, so I really admire you for coping one day to the next".

Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone who had never experienced awful things could empathise with those who had and take into account the circumstances under which the person has to deal with the awful thing? I think it's an interesting thread OP.