Do you know anyone who has never suffered any kind of adversity or difficulty in their life (or have you never)?

[Waitingforthesunnydays]

I have this friend in her early 40s who I went to school with. She grew up with two loving parents, middle-class family, nice village, lots of community spirit, never any major money worries, had a genuinely supportive group of friends at school, of which I was part of and we’re all still good friends now, all been there for each other over the years, no major fallouts. She was naturally clever, popular, and got good exam results & a good degree from a good uni. She never seemed stressed about exams etc. She’s always been good looking, always slim without ever trying that hard, as far as I know. She had a long relationship with a guy from school from about year 9 till she was about 20. She then dumped him cos things just fizzled out. She met the love of her life a year later at uni, who she married and now has two lovely kids with. They travelled the world after uni together. She had a dream job that she successfully climbed the ladder in till she had kids in her mid 30s. Both pregnancies were a dream. She then decided she’d had enough of the corporate world, was a SAHM mum for a few years, while her husband earned big bucks, more than enough to support all of them. She then successfully launched her own business which is now super successful AND helps people in need AND she gets to be as hands-on or hands-off as she wants, giving her as much time as she wants to spend with her family. Her entire (very supportive, very loving) extended family all live within 15 minutes of her. They live in a beautiful house in a beautiful village with no mortgage. Her parents have always supported her with money when she’s needed it. She’s never been financially insecure. They go on amazing holidays multiple times a year. She or her family have never had any health problems. She has tons of friends, and is a genuinely lovely, funny, down to earth person. I could go on! And before anyone says it, yes of course I am jealous! It struck me the other day though, that she has never, ever experienced any kind of adversity in her life (and I would know, we are very close). She’s never experienced bereavement of anyone she’s close to, never had a health scare, never been bullied, never had issues trying to conceive, never had a period of poor mental health, never had any money worries, never disliked her job, never even experienced heartbreak or rejection! She’s basically always got everything she’s ever wanted. I’ve never met anyone that has managed to get to their 40s with everything having gone so absolutely perfectly. I do think she must have zero natural resilience sometimes. I’m just wondering how rare this is. Do you know anyone who’s literally never experienced anything going wrong in their life?

My DH too - 45 with parents in their early 70's who are wonderful. We're not rich but we are secure financially. Four beautiful DC who are approaching adulthood. Bereavements which are part of life (elderly grandparents).

I feel that his stability and the positives that come with it have positively influenced our adult life together. My upbringing was very unstable and I had a dysfunctional childhood. DH and his family have taught me what "normal" looks like.

It's difficult isn't it, and to some extent depends on your attitude to life I think My parents for instance have objectively a very comfortable life, no financial worries, but for some reason their lives and social circle have become very small.

At the risk of trauma dumping, the one upsetting thing I have experienced was a neonatal loss (and otherwise I have had a rather charmed life albeit was not sufficiently grateful of the fact). When my child was born over three months early and then subsequently died in NICU my dad told me at the time not to 'bother them about a premature baby' - they had just got COVID (years after the lockdowns, and as it turned out they recovered fully soon enough) and to them having finally got it was the worst thing they could imagine happening. I found this response very hurtful, but looking back their worlds had become so small and anxiety ridden that although this did feel like the sky was falling in for them and they could not think of anyone else. My in laws, despite many sad things happening, on the other hand seem to have led much richer happier lives.

This is quite an interesting question.

My MIL came from a sheltered, Welsh upbringing ( father local GP, lots of general accolade, married an academic doctor, never worked after getting engaged, three successful children, had live-in nannies, cleaners, etc...).
I had to ask myself WHY I resented her good fortune so much...and it was because my childhood was defined by lack of privelege, and witnessing such sadness, daily ( my father was a vicar in London and our vicarage door was "open" 24 hours a day...me and my sister saw ALOT of other people's trauma).

I realised that I should not have been "wishing a certain adversity " on others, just to try and reset the balance of life...and that adversity does not automatically lead a person to become more kind, empathic and insightful.

Some people are lucky, that luck may enable them to have the bandwidth to help and sustain others. I've made my peace with it now.
Generally speaking, I also, have not ( yet) suffered awful adversity, but I felt so guilty that I hadn't, that I did Samaritans for 6 years...it did not ameliorate my conscience, but I felt I was giving back, a bit, of my good fortune, and learned a lot, along the way.

My adult daughter has got a friend like this. She (the friend with the perfect life) often says how ‘lucky’ she is. She feels smug to me. But then why wouldn’t she be.
For some reason she makes my teeth itch.

I do think some people have far more advantages than others. A great childhood with loving parents. Family who provide financially for them. Family who provide free childcare. Find a good partner and that partner works with them and never betrays them.

I have a relative who is like this. But what it makes it worse is he also has the belief that good things have happened to him because he is a Good Person, and that if bad things happen to other people, it's because they deserved it in some way or didn't try hard enough

I know quite a few, they are all friends with each other and lovely people and I'm the odd one out with a chronic illness caring for dying or disabled parents. I do know there's not much bad going on behind the scenes as they often know someone having a variety of hard time and will discuss how awful it must be in a way that is purely theoretical. TBH, it's partly the area I live in, it's expensive and attracts people drawn to vibrancy rather than those needing peace and quiet.

However, I had a lovely childhood,family and early life and I think that in itself gave me resilience, so I wouldn't assume your friend has none just because it isnt't yet tested. When I was seriously ill in hospital it was often commented on that I coped really well, engaged with rehab and physio well and still have a positive outlook despite a terrible few years. One friend of mine has everything in life, but also an alcoholic mother and she can't cope with anything - so I think the secure, happy childhood plants the seeds of resilience rather than insulates one from it.

I was this woman until my late 20s

But I think that having supportive people and financial freedom is what gives people resilience and does help them cope if tragedy or disaster strikes.

Personally, I think the only reason I am content and well-adjusted now is because I have been through so much adversity. I didn’t have a good childhood, no safe and secure foundation, and because of that, spent my 20s and 30s yo-yoing between being happy and excited about life and being severely depressed. I was pretty wild, which brought more adversity. Only now that I’m older and wiser have I learnt what I actually need in life to be content - a stable routine, no friends & family who bring negativity, no drugs and very little alcohol, and a whole lot of appreciation and gratitude for the simple things. If I tried to live the life I have now when I was in my 20s I’d be bored out of my mind, lonely and depressed. But going through a number of horribly adverse experiences (abusive relationship, addiction, toxic relationships with friends & family) has resulted in me becoming much more resilient and mentally stronger and also learning what triggers me and how to avoid those triggers. The biggest one though, is understanding that I am in control of my life and every decision I make has a consequence.

I often think about this. I don't know anyone who is quite the way you describe, OP. Anyone I know well, I also know of serious struggles they have had. I do know a couple of people who come from happy stable families, with parents who are reasonable and comfortable people, love one another, have enough money and love their kids. This does seem unimaginably lucky to me, and I think gives an advantage which is beyond my understanding. Even these people have had their struggles though, or I don't know them well enough to say...

Some people air all their issues others keep things to themselves, don’t assume because they haven’t told you that there hasn’t been issues, they just have other things to talk about.

I know lots of people like this and honestly pleased for them..something will happen at some point and we also never know the full story to anything

Oh no that's really bloody annoying !

I’ve had my fair share of adversity, the worst probably being years of infertility/miscarriages. And chronic mental health struggles.

The absolute joy I get from my only boy makes all that worth it. I would say I have strong resilience too from being at rock bottom several times and having to start again. Also from having to rely completely on myself financially through my 20s and 30s.

But now, late 40s I’m really high on life and get immense pleasure from the small things. I feel like a bit of a warrior too. I have brilliant friendships, a loyal marriage. Also I have empathy in spades for most situations.

Everyone’s life takes a different path, everyone’s different in how they are shaped ❤️

No—everyone faces some kind of difficulty or adversity in life; it’s a universal part of being human.

We’re in our early forties. I know one woman whose life is so perfect it’s like a mirage. Lovely and affluent parents and siblings, perfect at school, great degree, fabulous job. There was one cheat boyfriend in uni which knocked her a little but then followed a gorgeous husband, a home that was featured in a magazine, three charming children and an interesting glamorous hobby… however, not that we’d wish it, but we know life can change in a heartbeat. I think she just was a bit troubled that her hair went funny after the babies came, but a fancy salon made it better than it was in the first place. And a bit sad when their elderly cat died. No real life troubles as yet. Some people are very lucky!

I think I’ve been relatively lucky in life. Have faced hard times, bereavement and infertility for example but I’m a really positive person and don’t dwell on things. I am grateful everyday for what I have, but I look around at people with much harder lives and think ‘when will my bubble burst’.

DH had had a fairly charmed life - typical middle class upbringing, parents are still happily married, no significant illness. Did the usual uni and grad job route and is a high earner, happy marriage with 2 dcs. His grandparents are dead, but that is fairly expected for someone in their late 40s. He's content and comfortable in life, and I don't think he's disadvantaged from not having experienced adversity. I also don't think it's too unusual to have a life like that in middle class, high earning circles. Lots of other parents at our prep have supportive families, good education and smooth careers, they might have issues we don't know about but I think often people like to make themselves feel better by claiming they must have some hidden trauma, but it's not necessarily true.

I just really think that you can assume you know everything about someone's life but you don't really. Otherwise no women would ever be caught out by their husband having an affair would they.

Obviously some people have an easier time than others - and some have a really fucking terrible time - but you don't know what's happening inside their minds. It's so easy to feel jealous of people with 'perfect' lives but it's a bit arrogant to assume that you know they have a sainted life. I have a friend who treats me a bit like this sometimes. She has had a hard time but I think sometimes in wallowing in her own hard time and feeling she doesn't actually care what has happened in my life, just what it looks like has happened in my life. Like I'm not an actual person in some ways.

I wonder do I appear like your friend to an outsider if they were to see me right now. Like a snapshot. Comfortably well off, 3 gorgeous very clever kids, love my job. But life never felt easy. I had very strict parents and hated my teen years, I was overweight and struggled with confidence all my younger years, trained for years for a career that I absolutely hated and didn't thrive in. Walking away from that and starting over was incredibly difficult and embarrassing. A parent died when i was in 20s, other parent is kind but distant. 1st DC had serious behaviour problems. Never slept and it was hellish. Later diagnosed with multiple issues mostly now resolved thankfully. I had multiple miscarriages followed by infertility and spent 1000s on fertility treatment and thankfully has dc2 and 3. None of this is serious adversity, just life struggles. Suddenly everything is easier as kids are older and DHs business is doing exceptionally well. I suspect some people envy me now.

I would imagine my life looks pretty rosy from the outside, v middle class, nice house, nice cars, good jobs, 2 great kids, great relationship with parents, regular luxury holidays etc. However, while I am super grateful for all of this, it doesn’t mean I’ve sailed through life without a care in the world! I’ve had mental health struggles (including a breakdown), an extremely poorly child (fully recovered now thankfully) and other things along the way. Most of my friends wouldn’t know any of this and probably think I live a pretty charmed life, even my best friend doesn’t know about the breakdown because I hid it from most people. So I wouldn’t be so sure that you know absolutely everything, and if I’m honest it doesn’t cover you in glory to be so bitter that your friend is having a nice life! It sounds almost like you’re wishing something bad would happen to her to even the score a bit.

I also don’t agree with the idea that you need to experience adversity to somehow become a better person - we’re all different and having different experiences, and while it’s understandable to be a little envious of others at times, comparison really is the thief of joy and you never really know what someone else is experiencing.

I’m assuming from your description of good relationship with your parents, relative financial security, and presumably married or LT partner? that you had a lot of support during your breakdown. That is very, very different from having a mental breakdown with zero emotional and financial support, or where those who should’ve been supportive abandoned you

Count no man fortunate til his journeys end.

I think a lot of it is about your approach to life approach. I often feel I've led a charmed life, stable upbringing (and this, I think is the foundation for everything), good job, nice adult DC, finacial security now I'm middle aged, good health, but I have faced adversity.

DH and I bith lost our jobs in December of the same year, when DC were young, DH died when DC has just reached adulthood, DS2 had a bit of a breakdown whilst away at Uni, I'm currently supporting two eldery, disabled, stubborn parents, which can be very difficult physically and emotionally, but I still feel lucky. We had one of the best Christmases that year, all very simple, hardly any money spent and we both eventually found new, better jobs. DH left me with the financial resources to rebuild after his dealth, I was able to bring DS home and support him (still on going) and whilst some days dealing with my parents is very difficult, they're here and have been amazing throughout my life.

I hate the whole you make your own luck trope, because I do think the whole stable upbringing thing is so important in our ability to do that (also luck), but just how adverse things feel, can be down to attitude.