Would you leave children overnight at grandma's with lodgers there?

[Luckydog7]

Feeling on the fence. DH and I have been invited to a wedding 2 hours away.

Mum kindly offered to babysit overnight at her house and we accepted without thinking. First time they would be staying over, kids are 8 and 6. 8 year old has special needs but well behaved and no trouble.

DH has expressed concern today and having second thoughts.

While mum and stepdad are perfectly nice. Mum keeps lodgers and both are currently middle aged men we don't know. This is the issue really that there are strangers in the house.

The kids bedroom is on the middle floor of the house with a bathroom shared with the lodgers and mum would be in the master upstairs.

How would you feel about this? There's not really another option for sleeping logistically.

DH is now talking about me going to the wedding alone so he can stay for the kids.

Mums quite sensitive and her likely reaction is to be really offended/downplay any risks. I'm thinking of raising it anyway when we meet next week with the hope that she is understanding of our concern. It's possible for her to come to ours but it's an early wedding so it would be asking even more of her and I know she was pleased to have them over for the first time.

@Luckydog7 clear message here of a hard no.
Your mum needs to come to you, it might be a bit more effort for her but totally necessary. I think you should be honest with her about the reason as she's probably not given it a thought.

I hope your right. She's fallen out with others in the family about parenting which she has regrets about so I'm hoping that will soften her to our perspective.

She wasn't single but step dad wasn't around much as he lived elsewhere most of the time.

It's a very good point. You may be correct.

Not unless the children sleep in the same room as your mum and are supervised by her at all times. You have no reason to trust the lodgers. Treat the home as a public space.

This is helpful thanks. Especially about putting the lodgers in an awkward position.

No. Your children wouldn't even sleeping on the same floor as their grandmother. I'm sure the lodgers are perfectly respectable people, but they are both strangers to you and your children, so you don't know. Either your Mum comes to you or you go to the wedding alone.

Absolutely not. Lodgers always raise red flags because why would a middle aged man not be capable of having a job that enables him to live independently? It's also a transient lifestyle that lets them escape past locations and people quickly. Many male lodgers are deviants and weirdos by nature so that in itself is a no to leaving your kids alone with them.

Absolutely not. There’s no way in hell I’d let my children stay there.

As a single parent I always had lodgers/ visiting teachers from abroad/ adult students from language schools while my children were growing up. The house was large with two bedrooms downstairs and three upstairs. Fortunately there were two bathrooms. The children and I slept upstairs and guests were advised upstairs was out of bounds. As an added precaution I had little alarms on upstairs bedroom doors which the children knew how to disconnect if they needed to use the loo. I only ever had one weird bloke who was making a bee line for my son who was around 8. I asked for him to be removed immediately but it wasn’t possible until the morning so I kept both children in my room and a burly friend came and stayed. I would never ever let my children stay elsewhere where there were unrelated males staying unless your DM was as cautious as I’ve described

No. And nor would I go to a wedding if children are not invited too. You come as a package, not bits of your family only.

That would be a huge no from me and I know my DP would say the same thing.
I’d push to have your mum stay over at yours with the kids, this would be way easier for everyone as well in my opinion.

Agree with your husband. Would be a no from me.

For me personally, it does make it different if the lodgers were females and yes just because they are female it doesn’t mean they can’t be predators, but let’s be honest and as the saying goes.. “It isn’t every man, but it’s always a man”.

@Luckydog7 my mum also has lodgers — one female and two male. As soon as she got her first lodger, I stopped overnight stays for my kids (they’re 15, 9 and 6). It was a non-negotiable for me.

She was quite taken aback at first, but I nipped it in the bud early on. We still pop in and see her as she’s just up the road, but sleepovers have stopped and it’s been that way for the past 2 years.

She’s said similar things like they keep to themselves and don’t really mix, but for me it’s not about the daytime — it’s the night, when everyone’s asleep and things are less predictable. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable taking that risk. They are not vetted she doesn’t truly know them.
i wouldn’t risk putting my children in that situation.

I am babysitting 2 of my dgc next week as dd2 and her dh are going to a child free wedding. I am actually going to stay at a hotel near the venue as dgd is still exclusively bf. The original plan was me to stay at hers with dgs. My other dgc (with other dd) is staying at her other gps next week while they are away. I actually don't think dd2 would like her dc to stay at mine because exdh (her df) still lives with me and she can't stand him! So not a stranger but the gf.

I was thinking that I might get a lodger once exdh leaves and my last dc goes to university this year but I don't think I would as I want to have my dgc over for sleepovers and I wouldn't risk it.

100% NO NO NO

No from me. Sorry. Too many red flags from what you’ve described. Can your mum come and stay with you?

Absolutely not! And don’t think about the feelings of your mum when you are prioritising the safety of your children. But tell the truth why they can’t stay x

I’ve had a very similar situation. My Mum has lodgers often and my eldest has wanted to stay over, I didn’t need him to for childcare though on these occasions. I had to say no when she had a male lodger, had the “he’s a lovely bloke and he’s hardly ever here” line. I just said no chance.
The other time she had a female lodger but my 9 year old at the time, who also has special needs, didn’t feel comfortable to share the house with someone he didn’t know.
She accepted it both times but I’m sure thought I was over reacting. Even though as a young teenager I was assaulted in our home at night and she knows that. We’ve also had similar situations in the extended family. It’s just never worth the risk!!

Hard no.

Your mum should babysit at yours on the pretext they need all their things / its easier....
If she isnt up for that you pay for a babysitter / take the kids and suck it up / dont go

No, not worth the risk

This is a good idea. When my parents look after the DGC they usually do it at our house.

Absolutely no way

It’s a no from me, we were in the exact same situation although it was a male friend of my Mothers not lodgers who was staying with her for awhile.
We said no as her bedroom
was downstairs and our children were on the same floor as the male friend.
It ruffled her feathers abit but she got over it.