Would you leave children overnight at grandma's with lodgers there?

[Luckydog7]

Feeling on the fence. DH and I have been invited to a wedding 2 hours away.

Mum kindly offered to babysit overnight at her house and we accepted without thinking. First time they would be staying over, kids are 8 and 6. 8 year old has special needs but well behaved and no trouble.

DH has expressed concern today and having second thoughts.

While mum and stepdad are perfectly nice. Mum keeps lodgers and both are currently middle aged men we don't know. This is the issue really that there are strangers in the house.

The kids bedroom is on the middle floor of the house with a bathroom shared with the lodgers and mum would be in the master upstairs.

How would you feel about this? There's not really another option for sleeping logistically.

DH is now talking about me going to the wedding alone so he can stay for the kids.

Mums quite sensitive and her likely reaction is to be really offended/downplay any risks. I'm thinking of raising it anyway when we meet next week with the hope that she is understanding of our concern. It's possible for her to come to ours but it's an early wedding so it would be asking even more of her and I know she was pleased to have them over for the first time.

Yes this. She was a part-time teacher when my parent divorced with three kids, two of us preteens. She got the house that is in an ideal location.

She was very careful with who she allowed in when we were younger. All young female language students until we were older and it was mostly lovely they had meals with us and became part of the family and we got to meet people from all over the world. Nothing dodgy happened so it's never been a 'problem'. So didn't occur to me to worry.

This is the deciding factor in my opinion. If your mum doesn't see the risk and puts her ego in the way of safety, then you can't trust her to do mitigations like sleeping in the same room as DC. You can't trust her not to leave DC with a lodger "while I pop out for a minute".

Any sensible grandparent would totally understand your dh's concerns about this and offer a solution. I know my kids' grandparents would.

Yes and no. I still wouldn't want my children at that sort of age sleeping on a floor shared with strangers and sharing a bathroom with them. I might be more comfortable with them staying in the house but in Grandma's room. But with 2 lone adult men in the house, they aren't staying overnight, full stop.

Even with your error over the handling of this situation your mum would be U to ‘flounce’. Sounds like she was cautious about lodgers when her DC were young and living at home so she should get it about her GC.

Yes I think I'm just going to have to be honest. If she's understanding and happy to come to ours then great, if she's offended then I'll have to go to the wedding alone.

I think making up another excuse just gives room for her to suggest work arounds.

I'm glad that it's been a resounding no, it clarified things.

Of course it's different. You're being facetious to imply that'd be the same. Men are more of a risk to children than women are, statistically, that is a fact that has been proven time and time again.

Edit for grammar

The fact that she was careful to only have female lodgers when you were young means she ought to understand why you are uncomfortable with these male ones. Just explain that and remind her of her own caution all those years ago.

Until recently she almost always took in women only. In fact I don't think she's ever had two men in at once in 25 years. I very rarely see her lodgers so wouldn't be able to tell you their names or sex most of the time so their presence has been very normalised. I only know because mum tells me that she's looking for someone new or that the front room is let to such and such but after this they rarely get mentioned or seen other then crossing paths in the kitchen a couple of times.

If she only took in women when you were young she must realise there is a risk. Hopefully she will understand your point.

This is the thing. She's quite blase about this kind of thing, it's weird considering pp mentioning having only females when we were young. I fully expect her to say 'oh but Dave's a lovely man' and that to be that as far as she's concerned.

I hope so. It helps that it's not personal to her, rather the situation. I'm having lunch with her on Monday so will bring it up then.

No. I think you should ask your mum to stay with them in your house. It many ways it’ll be easier as they’ll have all their stuff

Yes this is quite right.

Mums lovely but can be a bit of a victim so conflict is difficult but I've decided this needs to dealt with directly and honestly.

Unfortunately this is all coming on the back of wider issues between her and other family members regarding parenting. I think she's struggling with her changing role in the family and not being very involved with her grandchildren, feeling irrelevant to us. So I'm expecting her to be hurt at the very least.

No way in hell

If she is offended by this huge safeguarding red flag being pointed out, then she is not a person who is able to appropriately safeguard your children when looking after them.

Definitely not. I’m sure her lodgers are fine but it’s not worth the chance.

Absolutely not. Sorry but in terms of safety this would be no safer than your children staying in a hostel dotmitory with no parent - they would be sharing with complete strangers with no locks on the doors and anyone could go into their room at 2am. Either grandma babysits at your house or dad stays with them and doesn't attend the wedding.

There are a number of things you can do, including talk to your mum, having kids sleep in with your mum and stepdad go downstairs, puts locks on the doors (if kids are old enough), talk to the kids about who is allowed in their room and what to do if someone else comes. It’s highly unlikely that either of these men would assault your kids. But I can see why you would be worried and want to take some steps. Seems solvable though. I’d go and talk to your mum calmly.

Why has she never considered downsizing rather keep living with lodgers??

Not in a million years would I let them stay

You’ve had some good advice. The only point i have to add is related to ‘saving face’ to avoid further family upset.

When you talk to her, you could frame it in a way that puts her in a positive light as a good parent to you starting with — “now you are older you are really grateful you are that she took care to select young females when you were growing up. And that you’re sorry you didn’t ask or reflect on who was staying at the moment. And that you should have done, like she did for you. Then you could say that you’re happy for her to look after the kids at your home (which also has some advantages with SN, toys, etc), or DH will look after. Which is probably what you should have done in the first place. Sorry for the inconvenience ; or if you’re disappointed not to have the kids stay over…”

You could add that in this day and age, it’s also not fair of you to put the lodgers in an awkward situation .

No doubt she’ll say but Jim and Jerry are lovely, and they won’t mind. ….

And you’ll just have to say “yeah but it’s the principle, mum. Like you followed when we were young… I want to do this the right way….”

Only if the kids share a room and bathroom with Grandma.

Prefer her to come to your place. Can you make it extra special for her to stay? She stays the night before and gets treated her favourite dinner and you take her out to mother/daughter movie, you pay petrol and have organised activities that your children enjoy.

Same, it's a no from me

If she was single when you were growing up, was she more concerned for her personal safety not having male lodgers?

I hope that wasn't the case!

Hell no.