Would you leave children overnight at grandma's with lodgers there?

[Luckydog7]

Feeling on the fence. DH and I have been invited to a wedding 2 hours away.

Mum kindly offered to babysit overnight at her house and we accepted without thinking. First time they would be staying over, kids are 8 and 6. 8 year old has special needs but well behaved and no trouble.

DH has expressed concern today and having second thoughts.

While mum and stepdad are perfectly nice. Mum keeps lodgers and both are currently middle aged men we don't know. This is the issue really that there are strangers in the house.

The kids bedroom is on the middle floor of the house with a bathroom shared with the lodgers and mum would be in the master upstairs.

How would you feel about this? There's not really another option for sleeping logistically.

DH is now talking about me going to the wedding alone so he can stay for the kids.

Mums quite sensitive and her likely reaction is to be really offended/downplay any risks. I'm thinking of raising it anyway when we meet next week with the hope that she is understanding of our concern. It's possible for her to come to ours but it's an early wedding so it would be asking even more of her and I know she was pleased to have them over for the first time.

Not sure who this is aimed at, but as I'm one who said no I wouldn't be comfortable with that, seeing as I said I only let them stay over with grandparents at that age I wouldn't want them overnight with others at all. Male or female.

Exactly, it's being around strangers full stop that was the worry for me. Not their sex.

Absolutely no way. Children? Sharing a bathroom with strange men? On a different floor from grandparents?

That means there is not enough space. Enough space would be same floor and bathroom as grandparents.

Even a hypothetical floor above grandparents would be no good if accessed by a main staircase.

I wouldn't be crazy about them sleeping on a different level in the house yet alone with strangers there.. Absolutely not. She shouldn't be offended, she's not related to the lodgers, it's commonsense why you'd say no. Can't they sleep in her room?

I would expect child til slep with GP in her room and not walk around alone.
Could GP go to the GC home?

I wouldn't be comfortable with this. That's 2 men that you don't know in a house with your kids

What on earth are you thinking?

Oh hell no. Absolutely not.

Look, these lodgers might be lovely, they might be the most benign men in the world, but they are strangers to your kids and no reasonable parent would take that risk. I can't imagine it would be completely comfortable for the children either, imagine going to the loo at night while staying away from home and bumping into a strange man. Even if they are perfectly nice people, that's awkward and uncomfortable. It would also put the lodger, and your mum, in a difficult position if an encounter like that upset one of the children.

Your mum has to understand that, surely? She can't be completely naive to the possible implications of having male lodgers and the incompatibility of having young children staying over in those circumstances?

Absolutely not. And there's no need to feel guilty about how your mum might be disappointed.

I’d ask her to stay at my house.

Absolutely not. Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

Absolutely not.

It would be a no from me too.
Can your Mum stay at your house ?

Why can't the kids sleep with grandma in either her room or the other one? It's only one night. Surely, your mom has more sense than letting kids be on the same floor as strangers.

@Luckydog7 we have the same situation except it’s MIL and there are 4 lodgers, 2 male and 2 female. I don’t feel comfortable with it and DH agrees but MIL is highly strung at the best of times and wouldn’t understand our perspective on it at all and would cause a huge family row. She wouldn’t stay in our house and she dislikes our house and the suburbs we live in (whole other story).

If your mum won’t stay at yours then I’d go to the wedding solo and DH stays at home.

Obviously not!

That would be a no from me too. Ask your mum to stay at yours.

No. Why are you even on the fence about this??

Never in a million years

There’s no way I’d allow this.

To avoid offending her, frame it as thinking that your kid with special needs would do better staying in their own space, so could she come to yours instead.

She's had lodgers for 20years or so. She got the house in her divorce and it's a 5 bed. She was relatively low paid so needed to earn more. We live in a university town and there's a big rental market and overseas students coming for a single year of research so a room with all bills included is quite attractive especially as some of them were teenagers and working in their second language so would have struggled with the logistics of a rental house.

When I was younger and still living there she only took these younger language student and mostly female, but now all her kids are adults with our own homes she takes anyone.

Yes, shared kitchen.um has an ensuite but everyone shares the one bathroom. Otherwise we don't see much of them.

They bring friends back too so it's not just the lodgers themselves but who they could be bringing into the home.

Possibly. I think she will be offended that we change our mind is the thing and flounce and refuse to do it now. We've been naive. Tbh I'm so used to her having lodgers that I didn't even think about that aspect. Credit to DH for being more on the ball.

@Luckydog7Your husband's instincts are correct. I think you're being hesitant because it is going to create merry hell when you say this to your mum. She prob isn't going to understand and take it personally. Maybe you're used to avoiding these kind of scenarios with your mum so it's making you feel conflicted.

But this is a situation where you have to bite the bullet. However you do it: asking her to stay at yours, husband staying at home for weekend etc doesn't matter but on this occasion you do need to intervene.

If you wanted to stay in a hotel but it meant your children staying in their own room with shared bathroom with other guests, you wouldn't book it, would you? And that would be with you next door to them.

Don't let your judgement on something as important as the safeguarding of your precious children be clouded by difficult family dynamics.

Your DH is right. Just explain to your mum your thoughts, and if she can't see the issue or downplays it, well everyone here on MN agrees the dc shouldn't stay at her house.

Sorry I crossposted with you @Luckydog7