Is this neglect ?

[Rainbowfish1]

I'm really worried about my niece , age. 4, and don't know if I'm overthinking.
My brother got her mum pregnant after a short relationship, they split shortly after niece was born, he pays maintenance regularly via the CMS but apart from that has little day to day involvement, ( yes I know, DB' s a dick). He's 45 and nieces mum is 25.

-My niece is meant to go to nursery 1-6, 2 afternoons a week during term time, ( nursery stretches funding so this includes holidays). My friend works there and says she's always absent , misses at least one session a fortnight, often more, ( obviously nursery can't enforce attendance as nursery is not legally compulsory). When she is in , session starts at 13:00, but frequently not dropped till 13.30/ 13.45 etc.

• When she's not at nursery, ( and she rarely is !) they go nowhere. Literally nowhere. Nursery is Tuesday and Friday, and between they don't go out at all. Absolutely lovely shared garden and play area in their block of flats but don't go there. They don't leave the house for days on end. Sister in law is addicted to gaming etc and basically happy to stay in.
• Sister-in-law doesn't brush her teeth as "niece doesn't like it ", what 4 year old likes having their teeth brushed...
• Niece is only dressed on nursery days, ( where she does seem to dress her appropriately), she stays in her PJs for days on end otherwise. Whenever I visit on a non nursery day , niece is in her pyjamas, even at 2/3pm. Sister-in-law says what's the point in dressing niece if they are not going out.
• Sister in law is very overweight, basically live off take aways each night, ( only healthy meal she gets is the dinner 2 x a week at nursery).
• The flat is filthy. Five cats in a two bed flat , stinks of cat urine whenever I go round, litter trays always overflowing. Extremely cluttered and no space for niece to play.
• Sister-in-law smokes weed daily, ( she says only when niece is in bed ), but the whole flat stinks of it.

I know the simple answer is to report to soical, but I'm worried they won't do anything and it will just end up withe and my parents being cut off
Does this cross the line to reportable neglect?

What are you and the rest of your family doing to help the mother and child?

Why haven’t any of you taken responsibility to ensure the child goes to nursery? There must be someone in the family available to collect and drop off the child. You could also all club together to fund an extra day or two at nursery for her. Have any of you helped her clean? How often do any of you have the child overnight? Why has no one taken charge and made dental appointments?

When we discovered my DNs were living in similar conditions (well, much worse actually), the above is what we did as a family to help the children.

Social workers are not miracle workers, conditions won’t improve overnight. You all as a family need to step up.

My dd is a social worker and is horrified by this and says you should definitely be reporting it. Please do for that poor child’s sake. Bless her she should have a better life than she’s having. If necessary could you take him in?

The weed and lack of food and teeth brushing is definitely serious neglect imo. These are things that will cause lifelong harm. You need to report what you know to someone. Start with arranging a discreet meeting with the nursery manager. Good luck. Awful for a four year old to live like that. X

Sounds like the mother is struggling. How much of a break does she get? And I don’t mean the few hours her daughter is in nursery but actual nights off/ days to herself?

Definitely sounds like neglect, do you have the kind of relationship where you could speak to her? Maybe she just needs more support.

Report. Evidence of neglect is clear.

Report. At best they will get some support. It's good you and your parents are involved. Don't include your friend's comments as she shouldn't have told you but you could say you are aware that neice rarely goes to nursery.

Oh please report - while some of the things you mention are not individually concerning (I’ve been a fat slob myself eating takeaways when my eldest was little although always cooked for him from scratch), overall it’s very poor.

This child’s welfare has to come above your mum & dad’s risk from losing access. Maybe it’d be different if they were highly involved/taking her for days out etc but if it’s just a weekly visit then not so much.

yes you need to report this to your local authority. To attempt to maintain the relationship you need to ask them to not share who reported or you do it anonymously, though it holds more weight when the social worker knows who put in the report imo. I’ve learnt in my job that not everyone lives like I do but the important bit is, is the child safe. Looking at this as a whole, a child being exposed to a parent who is frequently under the influence of drugs and the smell of the drugs, the cat urine and litter boxes which can be toxic, unhealthy diet, frequently missing nursery and no where to play, constitutes as neglect.

There are many safeguarding issues highlighted in your post. Please report ASAP so the child and mother are given the support they so obviously need.
Failure to do so will have so many detrimental effects on your neice.

I would report it but this wont do much sadly.

What you describe is actually a massive improvement for some families, the levels of neglect, poverty and filth SS see is far far worse than this. They will offer help, but ultimately your niece will not be removed.

The best thing you can do is help in a practical way by having her over for sleep overs, baths etc and teach her about teeth brushing so she wants to do it for herself (as a "big girl"). That will hopefully keep the worst of the bullying at bay when she is at school.

As for your brother slagging her off for being fat....she wasnt too fat for him to shag was he? I suggest you remind him of that the next time he says it.

There are new rules now in all childcare settings regarding attendance. Attendance must be monitored and if there is a pattern of absence it needs investigating. It's to stop all these children being kept at home to hide abuse/neglect. So the nursery she attends should definitely be monitoring her attendance.

Having said that, maybe the mother just needs some support. Reporting her doesn't have to result in the harshest involvement from social services. Most local authorities have an early help system in place before it gets to the point of children being removed.

Agree with you and others that your brother is a twat. It is just as much his fault as it is the mother's fault that your niece is in this situation.

The problem is that I know someone this happened to as well. People who are determined to hate the ex will pick on and exaggerate anything they can.

Bitter nasty people will do anything they can to take down someone they hate.

I’d raise a concern with the nursery to make them aware of the home situation as well as social work. Mum might just need a bit more support as your brother clearly isn’t supportive of her or his child. Safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility.

I don't think the pyjamas are fine if it's a case of them being worn overnight and then all day and night again, it's pretty gross and seems like she just can't be bothered to get her dressed.

oh do bore off

Of course this is neglect and of course you should report your concerns to social services. Please don't wait any longer.

You and your parents need to help, offer to do a nusrsery drop off once a week and help her with cleaning and organising her life . She must be severely depressed.

What you describe is clearly neglect. Those posters who are homing in on individual details and saying that they don't sound so bad are missing the bigger picture. All the individual details put together add up to clear neglect.

I think OP needs to be careful here. I would report it only after I had tried to intervene and it came to nothing. It will be difficult but I would start by having a chat with the SIL. Say I have noticed they appear to be struggling and I want to help.

Maybe go over twice a week to help clean up and get niece bathed, teeth brushed and to bed. Brush your own teeth in the routine and ask niece to copy you. And have a word, say the whole place reeks of weed and that you don't think it's healthy for your niece.

It will be hard to do this but it's possible the mother just needs some support and guidance as she is quite young. Just the cleanliness thing, I know I have certainly kept a cleaner house the older I've got. It's possible she is also depressed after her relationship breakdown and with being a single mother

The GPs could also look at having the girl to stay once or twice a week

I am not impressed with the friend or the brother.

I'd definitely report it. Especially the poor hygiene and drugs which I believe is what they would be most concerned about.

I'm not sure the other things would reach their threshold. They regularly deal with kids who aren't fed at all so I can't imagine them doing much about takeaways.

The weed smoking would worry me, she says it is when niece is asleep but is it.... and is the area ventilated correctly.

With regards food, this would probably go down like a brick but could you offer to help SIL.batch cook some of her favourite fake aways in order to cut costs with the cost of living etc

With niece I'd take a very active interest in teaching her personal hygiene

If possible can you or your parents have her stay once a week? Mum might be burnt out.

Your right your brother is an arse

I don’t think social services will do anything. So the choice is yours if you want to step up and help the mum understand what good parenting is and support her. Or not.

Yes this is neglect. Please report it, your niece has no one to speak up for her except you. Her mum clearly needs some support. Trust your instincts. You know it's neglect.

With niece I'd take a very active interest in teaching her personal hygiene

This. If this were my nephew I would honestly just teach him tooth- brushing myself. It doesn't need to be a big deal although I know this situation must feel very awkward. If the niece starts doing it without fuss the mum will be more likely to continue her doing it when auntie isn't there