Would you date a broke boyfriend if everything else was perfect ?!

[bakingcrazy19]

I need some honest outside opinions because I feel really stuck.

I’m in a relationship with someone I genuinely love emotionally. He’s kind, supportive, and we connect really deeply. When we talk about the future, it feels aligned — we both want a home together, stability, and a life we build side by side.

But the reality is quite different.

When we first met, he presented himself as having a good income and a stable lifestyle. I later found out that wasn’t true, and he’s actually not in a strong financial position at all. That’s been quite hard to process because it changes how I viewed the foundation of the relationship.

At the moment, he’s not working. He says he’s trying to find a job, but so far he’s only applied for a couple of roles. I’ve offered to help with CVs and applications, but nothing has really moved forward.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to feel a growing sense of pressure and resentment because we keep talking about the future — moving in together, building a life — but I can’t see a realistic path to get there without financial stability or consistent effort.

I don’t expect anyone to be rich. I just need to see honesty, effort, and some kind of plan for how we actually get from here to where we say we want to be.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it improve, or did the mismatch just grow over time?

He's facing a very nice future if he can find some woman to take him on and provide for him while he does very little!

My cocklodger ex talked the talk and unfortunately I believed him, but he had no intention of doing anything much. It took me a while to realize and then I got rid.
He was always thinking of things "we" could buy. Like a car, for example... I didn't have a driving licence at the time and didn't need a car because everything was reachable by public transport. He decided "we" (ie. he) needed a car and he could drive it as he had a driving licence but who was going to pay for the car, oh no, not him! And "we" actually didn't need a car, living where we lived and if he "wanted" a car, then he should get a job and pay for it, which is what I told him.
Same with a sledge! It was the sledge that finally got to me. We lived in the mountains and he decided "we" should get a sledge, but he was unemployed, not looking for work, I was paying for everything, he was lying around doing nothing and when asked to do something (such as cleaning or washing up etc) he claimed to be having mental health problems (but only when asked to do something). And then he started going on about this sledge. I told him to get a job and buy the sledge and shortly after that I ended it.
The day after he moved out I went and bought a fucking kick ass mega sledge!

The lack of money wouldn't be a problem for me.

The lack of honesty absolutely would, though.

“he presented himself as having a good income and a stable lifestyle. I later found out that wasn’t true”

OP, this would be the dealbreaker for me - that he let you think he had a good income when in reality he doesn’t. It’s a huge red flag, because you can’t have a meaningful relationship without trust.

When I met my now dh he was 'broke' in the sense that he was living in a council property, had always rented (no kids of his own) and in a very poorly paid job. However, he was working and always had, despite having had to give up his previous career which he loved to look after his late wife when she became ill.

Things I overlooked because I loved him: the fact that he seemed to live on oven chips/omelettes/quorn nuggets and barely ever cleaned beyond the barest minimum. Even though those things still annoy me now, he was working and paying his bills. Once it started looking serious between us, I always made it clear that there was no way in hell he'd be moving into my house (I do have YA kids) without contributing.

In your shoes, I'd be EXTREMELY careful. Anyone towards the beginning of a relationship is pretty much on their best behaviour. It doesn't look great from him tbh.

ETA: honesty is a prerequisite and the fact that he misled you about his circumstances (and therefore his attitude to life, by the sound of it) for me would be a big red flag.

i’d think I’d need to know a little more detail. Why is he unemployed? Whats the job market like in his field? How hard is he looking for a new job - is he being active or waiting for the right job to cone alone (these jobs don’t exist). What is he living off now?

However, this stands out:
“ I just need to see honesty, effort, and some kind of plan for how we actually get from here to where we say we want to be.”

It diesn’t sound like this is happening. Is he expecting for you to take up the slack.

Also, do we have a mn cliche? Financially poor and homeless (renter?) mandating a more savvy, richer, homeowner lady?

This.

I just cannot imagine the rest of the relationship is perfect if he is unemployed and not motivated to look for work. That is some level of inaction. Strikes me he would be a generally low effort person.

What has your dating life looked like with him? What does he do for you and arrange for you to do together?

Nope. Men are hard enough work to be with, I wouldn’t add brokeness into the picture.

He’ll have you paying for everything, organising everything, being the adult the relationship while he puts his feet up on your sofa while you cook his dinner.

Dating is meant to be fun!

The way a man acts in the beginning is the best it will ever get. 99% of the time it goes downhill from there.

Raise your standards! Don’t date a project. Date someone who is ALREADY the full package.

He lied to you about his finances and he’s lying about looking for work. Those are the problems, not the fact that he’s broke.

so it’s very far from true that “everything else” is perfect. You’re deluding yourself

I would leave, as he won’t change.

Did he lie to you? How long has he been out of work for? How old are you both and how long have you been together?

Regardless of the answers, I would leave.

He sounds like a lazy unmotivated toad so no I wouldn't.

I would date them yes. But I don't think that's what you're asking.

I would not move them in, get pregnant, marry them or take out any joint financial commitments.

No. It leads to long term resentment and an unequal power balance.

These relationships always end up with one person being "I'm paying so we'll do what I say" even if they never say it expressly. It is an unspoken power dynamic that will be somewhere on a scale from subtly abusive to full-on barely concealed abuse. It effects everything from restaurant choices to where you go on holiday to what fridge you buy to when and how you get your kitchen renovated.

Absolutely not.

It wouldn’t be about being skint (I’ve been poor) but not working or looking for work would be a deal breaker.

Married a solvent man - high earner - mental health impacted - retired on small pension - I would never leave him - love him dearly but its a strain financially - can’t really go away - live in a flat would love a garden - we get by but have no extras as they say and I will be working past my retirement age!

Absolutely not. Been there, had the cocklodger. Never ever ever again

Don't do it OP. Resentment will kick in and years down the line when you've finally got rid you will find it hard to trust anyone. The lack of money and lies will gradually grind you down.

Been there, done that and bought myself the bloody t-shirt!

Hi OP. Haven't read the thread but been exactly where you are, bar wanting to live together etc. Might be slightly different in that we don't live together and don't plan to and neither of us want children. Based on your post and apparently shared goals, you could stick it out for a few months to see what happens. If things don't pan out for him and what you both apparently want, then take a walk and leave. To be clear, if you want to live with someone, have kids etc. then I suggest if he doesn't get his shit together, move on.

An absolute hard no here. I've raised and supported my children, I don't need another person to financially drain me/ to support now I am in a great place in life.

My response to the title alone was “probably not because being broke would indicate all sorts of other issues just below the surface.”
then I read the actual post:
he lied to you first off about being solvent
he’s not working (massive ick for me, a capable person not working)
he’s unwilling to do anything to improve his situation (which to me would signal lazy and immature)

Op this boyfriend is not broke but perfect, he’s a long way from perfect, you just happen to really fancy him at the moment and are blinded by that.
please don’t tie yourself to this man in any way, it will end badly.

I’d only date someone broke casually.

Some very good advice here.

No. He doesn’t work.

My husband works full time, has never been a high earner but he’s a lovely man. He also cleans the house from top to bottom, fresh bed sheets, hoovering, loads more he’s very domesticated lol 😂. I don’t do lazy in a man.

No, I think not misleading people about your finances while planning a future with them is quite an important part of a relationship.

To give him the benefit of doubt, maybe he lied initially as he was embarrassed to reveal
his status to his new girlfriend.

And It wouldn’t be so bad if the company he worked for had gone under, and he had some redundancy, and was doing everything to look for jobs.

However, doesn’t seem to the case. He seems very laissez-fairs about the whole job situation. It’s a tough market out there, and he should be updating his CV, have different versions depending on the job he’s applying (sales focus, manager focus etc), contacting relevant recruitment agencies, looking at Indeed, LinkedIn, specialist job sites, reaching out to contacts etc. This doesn’t seem to be happening (and would give me the ick).

Especially when you are discussing futures which involves financial commitments.