My parents are sleeping in chairs in the living room

[Pigeonangel]

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I live very close and visit often. Always have done, am happy to. They're good company and have been fantastic parents and grandparents. When DH was terminally ill, and subsequently died, I honestly don't know how I'd have got through it without them.

That was only 5 years ago, they were there constantly for all of us, helping with house and car repairs, running errands etc. Until they hit 80 they were amazing sprightly older people who could do anything - furious at the suggestion they might be "vulnerable" during lockdown 🤣

How things change. In a matter of months they've both had health issues that mean their mobility is badly affected. Until recently it always seemed to be worse for one at a time and they're a great team so got by supporting each other, without asking or wanting much from me.

Now Mum can shuffle a bit with a frame and Dad is unable to walk at all. Last night they both slept in chairs downstairs. Mum suffles about to get food, do some cleaning and bring him a bed bottle etc. She managed to do a roast dinner for them both at the weekend, although I can't believe for a minute that would have been safe.

Mentally they are both totally with it, the house is perfectly livable (ie not dirty, if not practical), they seem OK from a personal hygiene pov, and are insisting they don't need anything from me or social services, they slept well last night and can manage.

Am I supposed to just leave it at that? I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's just me with DH gone, my DC live away and DSis is also several 100 miles away but has lots of opinions on how Mum and Dad should behave.

I don't know what to do.

OP don’t underestimate their fears of change. It may look like they’re fiercely independent but they could scared too. In my case I solved this by moving with my parents for a week and being hands on with sorting out the new carer and taking delivery of a new articulated bed and a wheelchair for my dad. It also transpired that my mum was secretly ashamed about the state of my dad’s room so before the carer stated I cleaned thoroughly and bought new bed linen. My mum was much more relaxed afterwards.

I have kindly, drawing on my own ghastly experience, made a few comments.

Nobody thinks anybody is stupid.

There are many services which could help, OT being foremost, but if they have capacity and are declining intervention there's nothing you can do. Which is very frustrating for you. If they'd accept a GP visit or telephone call that would get the ball moving. Or simply telling them what services are available eg. OT, home help, Social Prescribing. Otherwise you'll have to wait until it becomes an emergency and one of them is hospitalised/has a fall etc

@Pigeonangel 💐for you as I know exactly how you feel! My aged parents are just (only just and only a little) beginning to accept a little help, but I can't tell them what to do, they have agency, and are proud and independent people. I'm trying to enjoy them more and lie awake worrying less, because our time is limited and I don't want to spend it being angry with them. It's very hard. All the sympathy.

We have been listening & have experienced aging parents not agreeing; they won't. They are having to face getting older and more infirm, & nobody likes the thought of that. The point is they somehow have to slowly slowly be encouraged to face up to what is happening, hence making changes. Few of us have had the "authority" to start introducing reclining chairs and beds in their living space or getting in cleaners etc. But if nothing is done, something like a fall or injury will happen soon which will force their hand & you will have no choice. There have been lots of compassionate suggestions on this thread from others that have lived the awfulness of their parents getting older & losing their mobility

Wow. OP, I was very sympathetic to begin with, but you seemingly have a foul attitude problem given your immature, snippy-toned responses. You’re coming across like a sulky toddler, rather than a concerned and worried daughter. We’re all here trying to help you and you’re snapping at everyone, simply because they don’t suddenly have the magic answer.

But that’s not something anyone on here can give advice on without knowing these people and their personalities!

Yes, a sofa bed, spot on! There are good ones out there. There might be one that's elderly friendly

She hasn’t asked us to.

We are talking about serious mobility issues here. A sofa bed is not the answer. If I were to get a bed for downstairs I’d get a mobility bed.

The OP: Am I supposed to just leave it at that?

We are offering answers to her question

It’s really tricky we’ve had similar. Decent electric recliner chairs were agreed but they wouldn’t convert the dining room but it worked well. However they did have a downstairs shower. For your parents washing at the sink isn’t practical for long and needs a think. One quick (urgent) change I’d insist on is get a kettle that pours like a tap and doesn’t need lifting. Or there are OT safe pouring adaptations you can buy like a tipping wire cage for a kettle. Google kettle that doesn’t need lifting

It must be so tough, from being able to do so much, being independent, to needing help is so sad. We all know that maybe coming to us all, who knows, but it must be hard to accept you can no longer do what you took for granted, and know, it isn't going to get any better....

I believe that why they have capacity to make their own decisions, that you should respect that. How would you feel if you were in their shoes and family started interfering. I am sure that they will ask for help when they require it!

Really? or they may become entrenched and regard their offspring as children. They may have falls, deteriorating mobility and deteriorating cognitive ability.
They may resist kind offers of help and become hyper focussed on not "going into a home"

Yes because people with full capacity often sleep on armchairs and piss in a bottle.
But yes sadly they probably would pass a capacity test as the bar is low.

Yes they could! the point is, why they have capacity to make their own decisions you should respect that. By all means offer help and support, but don't take over their lives. I am elderly with health issues. I would really hate it if my family went against my wishes. At the point when I no longer have capacity, I will be happy for my family to make decisions in my best interests, as they have POA. All you can do is to continue offering support. They are lucky to have you watching over them x

But the issue @Linnende is OP is broken offering support. All for people being as independent as they can for as long as possible but not if it comes at the cost of someone else’s ability to live their own lives without drowning in guilt or resentment.
I would say not being able to leave an armchair constitutes needing some additional help.

I don't disagree with anything you have said and I really feel for the OP, but I can also look at it from the parents point of view too. If they have capacity, that means they can make good and bad decisions x

This is serious that your Dad suddenly cannot walk at all. What is the reason for that? You need to speak with doctor about this and a plan needs to be made for his health and wellbeing. People decline rapidly when bed bound.

You're being defensive OP..that's alright, it's easy to get frustrated when you simply don't know what to do.

The problem with chairs is the blood doesn't run around the body properly. There's risk of clots and swelling in the ankles. If you want to watch and wait, look up the signs of swollen ankles and clots.

It sounds as if a crisis is needed before they'll agree to anything happening .to help them.

Recently had a similar situation with my mum. Had to have a proper sit down chat with her. I spun it that it’s obvious she wants to stay in her own home and be independent, so in order to do that ‘we’ have to make changes.

In the nicest way possible I made it known changes had to be made and she had to be open to it or risk loosing the ability to remain at home.

With a walk in shower room (bath taken out and redone) and grab rails ,, the dining room converted to a bedroom and a commode for nighttime (no more long trips to the loo at 3am when she could fall) things are safer now.

my mum is on complan type drinks as she can’t eat - so I don’t have your cooking worries. How about one of those companies that deliver ready made balanced meals ? Or you do a home delivery of decent ready meals she can microwave?
difficult conversation if they reluctant to change things - but point out without adaptation- they could both end up having to leave their home altogether.

I brought a great SOS watch with extra button that is by her bed that sends me an alert if she pushes it and needs help. It was around £40 on Amazon.

little changes like this really help but you need to be firm and point out you’re doing this BECAUSE they want to stay independent. Good luck. It’s not bloody easy. X

Seems to me that stairs are the problem if they both have limited mobility and feel more comfortable on one level. I think you need to have a conversation about why they no longer go to bed. It might be a fear of falling or pain in which case you could suggest a stairlift. I think their GP could refer them to an occupational therapist who can suggest things to make their lives easier.

Stannah stairlift a possibility

They sound very vulnerable. I would be contacting social services, whether they like it or not - that is not a way to live.