What do you do when your adult DC start earning more than you?

[AnnaQuayRules]

I've worked in adult social care for most of my working life. Sometimes for small charities, sometimes for an LA. I am currently working for an LA in a middle management job. I'm in my 50s and 2 years ago moved into the higher rate tax band (just!) for the first time in my life.

I was chatting to DS the other day and he was saying he had been offered some overtime at work but wasn't going to bother with it as it would be taxed at 40% as he's now a higher rate tax payer. I'm really pleased that he's in a job he loves and that he's earning well, but it has made me feel slightly odd, especially as it's taken me such a long time to get to where I've got and he is 30 years younger than me. I'm not jealous in any way, it's more that my role as "provider" seems to have disappeared.

We don't see him very often as he lives over 200 miles away, but when we do I'm still in "parent" mode so pay for meals out etc. But he now earns similar (or possibly more) than DH and I each do. I can't imagine going out with him and then splitting the bill, which is silly as that's what I do with my Mum, but he's still my little boy, despite being in his 20s!

How have other people negotiated this?

Hahah! One of mine earned more than me in her first graduate job.

HOWEVER I do still feel that I want to pay for meals etc. when we are out. I'm in a different place in life (mortgage paid off etc.) and want to still be the 'providing parent'. I also think they are more likely to continue to meet up with us if we pay! And I love to see them.

To be fair she is generous at Christmas etc. and always arrives with flowers, and is very grateful for everything. She also always offers, which I appreciate!

Overall I'm grateful they love working and are earning well, but getting housing security will be much harder for them, so I think paying for meals etc. is my acknowledgement of that generational 'moral damage' that exists.

This is the one of the aims of parenting - raising independent adults who can forge their own life and provide for themselves. Be proud he's doing well, but not so proud that you don't let him pick up the tab occasionally.

I don't think it's a massive deal and probably more common than you think. My dad usually pays if we all go out for a meal as we're not a family to split the bill but I earn more than them and we sometimes pick up the bill. If you can afford it then continue to pick up the bill but it's ok to let your som pay if he offers especially if he knows he earns more than you. Saying they just because he may earn the same doesn't mean he is better off as you presumably have your own home and have presumably paid off a good portion of your mortgage whereas he may not have those things and maybe be saving.

ALL my kids out earned me by the time I retired. I am delighted and proud of them, what else should I do or feel?

I still pay when we go out and mine made more than me straight out of uni. I’m still mum though so love treating them. I wouldn’t worry about it.

I think you celebrate with/for him.

I agree though, if I could afford it I'd still ply when I "took" him out. I would expect him to offer though and occasionally take him up on it.

My DS is earning well, not yet more than me because I'm also comfortable, but if we spend a weekend together (he also lives 200 miles away), whilst I probably cover the majority, he always wants to buy breakfast or drinks. I'd think there was something wrong if he didn't want to contribute anything.

Thanks for the responses.

I am amazingly proud of him. He had a dreadful period in his teens where his mental health was very poor and he dropped out of school without completing his A levels. At one point we thought he was totally unemployable. So he's done amazingly well.

Good point about housing and rent costs. He is single and pays a lot of money for a small rental flat. His disposable income is much less than DH and me combined, although that might change when DH retires next year

Both of my children earn far more than I could have ever dreamed of earning and have done since they started work. When we went out for a meal they started treating me and wouldn’t hear about me paying for anything. One of them also pays for me to join them on holidays, the other will pay for my flights to join them on holidays. Now they both have children, I do lots of babysitting and take the grandchildren out a lot, so I feel things have evened out slightly.

@cramptramp that sounds lovely.

I don't work i have a medical condition, so we are a 1 salary house , Dd and her husband are quite well off which is great you want your kids to do well, as for the meals out or whatever in general somebody pays and then everyone balance transfers their share, or we "treat" each other.

Had he never offered to pay? Mine always offered from the day they started earning and when they got decent full time positions I stared to say ‘thank you’ and let them pay for me occasionally.

Sorry, I posted too early!

I still pay for mine if we go out for a meal and it's one on one, but if they invite me out, or we are all together, I pay for myself. But that's because I'm poor. And they always offer to pay or check that it's all right before they order if they know I'm paying. And I still like to buy them little treats - they might be richer than me, but they are still my babies.

Both mine earned more than me as soon as they graduated😅
DS now on 6 figures, Dd not far behind. I'm really really pleased and proud for them both.
I'm still their mum, and still buy them little treats every now and again. One thing that's changed though is that they will get me little gifts too which is just lovely. I never have to pay for myself if we go out to dinner or fit drinks. I always offer though, because I'm their mum 😅Our relationship feels the same as it always has.

My parents were in minimum wage jobs before they retired, they get Pension Credit now. All of us 4 dcs have outearned them. As dcs we pay for almost all meals out (sometimes they insist on paying), join together to pay for big items like white goods or tech items, or spending money for a holiday. I'm experienced with benefits so I've helped boost their income (my mum gets max PIP and dad gets Carer's Allowance).
They like buying gifts for the gdc, it's cheaper things than we'd buy, from Primark or Matalan but the dcs are happy.

I think in your specific case OP it might be worth making sure your DS understands how marginal tax rates actually work...

One of my DCs earns more than me. We've ended up taking it in turns to pay for dinner, or if one of us pays for tickets to an event then the other will pay for food etc.

I massively out earn my mum (she should be retired but chose to keep working).
She won't accept me paying for everything so what we do is "take it in turns". By which if it's a cheap lunch or coffee and cake I will accept her paying if it's a dinner or pricier place then I pay.

For holidays when she comes with us she pays her flight and a bit towards the accommodation (never the true cost) and she will get the ice creams when out. DH and I sort the rest.

It's a bit of a unspoken rule she doesn't want to feel like she can't afford things, I prefer she spends time with us.

So pleased for your son OP that’s fab. Mine is 22 and out earns the whole family income as he’s tax free on yachts, he won’t do that job forever so he’s saving hard and will be able buy his own place in 2 years. I’m so so proud of him taking that brave leap and making it work, my other son it at uni but he’s been driven and inspired by his brother so will no doubt do well. I’ve told them both to hurry up and buy mum a Porsche. But have got them Easter eggs and will always pay for meals out.

My DS1 is 19, lives at home and already out earns me. I will continue to pay for meals out etc, buy him Easter Eggs, an advent calendar and invite him on holidays etc until he tells me to stop. I was basically left to my own devices from 14 and I am absolutely not doing that to my children. He does pay board but it is a tiny amount really while he saves for a house deposit.

I’ve paid for my parents since I started out earning them and taking them on holidays! But my Dad who is 90 this year still likes to treat 60yr old me occasionally ❤️

I would be incredibly proud and give myself a pat on the back for dragging up a successful human!

I'm retired and my son( early thirties) has long earned far more than me, as does his wife. They also have a bigger house than me. That makes me very happy because I was a lone parent and always told him that hard work at school, university etc would pay off, and it has.

They do have a big mortgage whereas I own my house outright. It's also hard for me to get out of that "parental" paying for meals out etc feeling. I feel I want them to save as much as they can for the future , even though they are both high earners. They often take me out but do let me pay for them too.

But it goes through the generations too. My 89 year old mother always insists on paying when she takes my siblings and me out. But as we know she's got a million in savings we don't quibble.

That is lovely but he might never tell you to stop, will you still be keeping him in meals out and advent callanders when he is in his 30s? EtA sorry this looks sarky it isn't intended to be.

Congratulations youve won at parenting 😊👏💪

That’s fab, I would be so happy for him. I now earn more than my mum and I don’t let her pay for meals in a restaurant, I also pay for her tickets if she comes out with us. However, she will not let me contribute if we eat at her house and loves to cook for us. The exception being Christmas when I pay for the meat and dessert as she likes to host my family and my brother’s family. My brother brings the wine/champagne. Then we all cook together.

I love being able to treat my mum. I hope I’m leading by example for my children, not necessarily from a money point of view but from how I show my love and respect for my parents

Two of mine are now earning, but not more than me. Don't think there will be a day when I'm not the mother who pays, but I can afford it. As I earned more than my mother we brought her on many holidays etc. She'd often insist on paying for a meal. Or put money on the table if we had a meal. It wasn't expected though, it was her own independence. What I wouldn't mind I've told the children is to put me up in a top hotel when they start earning serious money. But I may be long gone by then. To me it's natural for me to pay. What I've stopped paying for is clothing etc. When they come and stay I'll pay for meals out and things we go to. If they go out together that's on them to pay as I'm not there and they have planned it.