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Original poster

What do you do when your adult DC start earning more than you?

105 replies

AnnaQuayRules · 01/04/2026 09:43

I've worked in adult social care for most of my working life. Sometimes for small charities, sometimes for an LA. I am currently working for an LA in a middle management job. I'm in my 50s and 2 years ago moved into the higher rate tax band (just!) for the first time in my life.

I was chatting to DS the other day and he was saying he had been offered some overtime at work but wasn't going to bother with it as it would be taxed at 40% as he's now a higher rate tax payer. I'm really pleased that he's in a job he loves and that he's earning well, but it has made me feel slightly odd, especially as it's taken me such a long time to get to where I've got and he is 30 years younger than me. I'm not jealous in any way, it's more that my role as "provider" seems to have disappeared.

We don't see him very often as he lives over 200 miles away, but when we do I'm still in "parent" mode so pay for meals out etc. But he now earns similar (or possibly more) than DH and I each do. I can't imagine going out with him and then splitting the bill, which is silly as that's what I do with my Mum, but he's still my little boy, despite being in his 20s!

How have other people negotiated this?

OP posts:
MooBaggage · 01/04/2026 10:23

My 2 x ds's don't earn more than me yet, but they do earn decent wages and often offer to pay for stuff like meals when we're out and about. I tend to refuse and pay for meals/drinks/holidays etc., but have struck a deal with them, that in 3 years' time, when I (hopefully!) retire, they are going to take over some of the TV packages I pay for and can do more of the meal buying and I will stop giving them pocket money, which I seem incapable of doing right now 🙄

Goriously · 01/04/2026 10:25

I would keep paying while I can - their expenses are so much higher and it’s better that they save. In fact he could be better taking the overtime and paying extra into a SIPP to bring his tax down - not what you asked but I think in the long term they will have a bigger struggle than my generation.

as for the paying forever question - yeah personally happy to if I can - unless they are mean little buggers😂

Littletreefrog · 01/04/2026 10:26

Lomonald · 01/04/2026 10:14

That is lovely but he might never tell you to stop, will you still be keeping him in meals out and advent callanders when he is in his 30s? EtA sorry this looks sarky it isn't intended to be.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes if he never tells me to stop I will continue. When I'm 70 and living on my non existent state pension he might have to settle for 1 Creme Egg though.

Original poster
AnnaQuayRules · 01/04/2026 10:26

Thanks for all your thoughts. Especially to those of you who said I've succeeded as a parent!

I think it's probably about the dynamics of our relationship shifting, which is fine, and him becoming much more independent. Which is also fine!

I can't remember when my mum and I started splitting meals out or taking it in turn - she certainly out earned me until she retired. Maybe after that?

OP posts:
facethemusical · 01/04/2026 10:29

Care work has always been undervalued and poorly paid unfortunately, probably because it's traditionally considered women's work.
DS earns more than me, but not more than me and DH combined so I would still always pay for him when we're out and about. Be proud that he's doing so well!

elliejjtiny · 01/04/2026 10:29

19 year old ds1 earns more than me. I still pay for everything for him when he is home from university, buy him an Easter egg etc. I know he's a grown up now but he's still my little boy.

FinallyHere · 01/04/2026 10:31

If your role as a provider may have come to an end, it’s because your role to raise happy, independent adults has had resounding success. Enjoy.

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 01/04/2026 10:32

Now we are over state pension age, we work very part time. DS earns 6 figures. When we go out together, we all pay for ourselves; but we have always taken the DC out on their birthday (although their OH has to pay for themselves). Likewise, DS takes us out on our birthdays, me on Mother’s Day, and DH on Father’s Day (and our OH has to pay for themself).

We buy them all Easter Eggs!

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 01/04/2026 10:33

I’ve been earning more than my mum since I was about 20 and she still tries to pay for my meals out and stuff. Or when I go to her house to cook for her she will get stuff in from Waitrose or M&S. Also whenever I treat her to something she’ll do the whole “oh no no no you shouldn’t have spent this much!” My dad on the other hand who has a lot of money can be a proper mooch! Somehow it’s always my round…

Lurker85 · 01/04/2026 10:35

Nice to see a positive thread. You should be very proud! 😁

Mapletree1985 · 01/04/2026 10:35

AnnaQuayRules · 01/04/2026 09:43

I've worked in adult social care for most of my working life. Sometimes for small charities, sometimes for an LA. I am currently working for an LA in a middle management job. I'm in my 50s and 2 years ago moved into the higher rate tax band (just!) for the first time in my life.

I was chatting to DS the other day and he was saying he had been offered some overtime at work but wasn't going to bother with it as it would be taxed at 40% as he's now a higher rate tax payer. I'm really pleased that he's in a job he loves and that he's earning well, but it has made me feel slightly odd, especially as it's taken me such a long time to get to where I've got and he is 30 years younger than me. I'm not jealous in any way, it's more that my role as "provider" seems to have disappeared.

We don't see him very often as he lives over 200 miles away, but when we do I'm still in "parent" mode so pay for meals out etc. But he now earns similar (or possibly more) than DH and I each do. I can't imagine going out with him and then splitting the bill, which is silly as that's what I do with my Mum, but he's still my little boy, despite being in his 20s!

How have other people negotiated this?

I rejoice and am glad.

WutheringFalls · 01/04/2026 10:44

Lomonald · 01/04/2026 10:14

That is lovely but he might never tell you to stop, will you still be keeping him in meals out and advent callanders when he is in his 30s? EtA sorry this looks sarky it isn't intended to be.

Edited
Show quote history

My mum still refuses to let me pay for any meals, buys me Easter eggs and advent calendars and I’m married with my own house and out earn her! My grandparents too. I offer to pay and she looks at me like I have two heads.

I’m on my way to drop some Easter eggs around to my Mum and I know I’m going to come back with a hamper. We will probably go for a coffee too that she will pay for as she’ll smack my bank card away. I’m not sure what’s wrong with that, I will do the same for my DD for as long as I’m alive.

Mumwithbaggage · 01/04/2026 10:46

We have often asked for the bill only to be told dd1 or future son in law has already paid! On my birthday dh had a bad cold - I went out with 3 of my 4 and partners (I'd invited them so was intending to pay). They all insisted on paying for all drinks at the jazz bar and dinner.

Youngest is only 22 but will still insist on paying for coffee or lunch sometimes. I let her because she is grateful for the financial support she had at university and is now working.

Money always arrives in my bank account when dd1 has plugged her car in here - when I said she didn't need to, she pointed out quite rightly that I wouldn't pay for her petrol.

Whosthetabbynow · 01/04/2026 10:47

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/04/2026 09:48

ALL my kids out earned me by the time I retired. I am delighted and proud of them, what else should I do or feel?

Exactly! My sons earn more than I ever earned! Thrilled to bits for them x

Twiglets1 · 01/04/2026 10:47

I was pleased when I found out my daughter was a higher rate tax payer.

We split meals out now but I still spend lots on her at Birthday and Christmas which she doesn't reciprocate. That's my personal choice and I don't expect the same in return.

SLAMSreadmore · 01/04/2026 10:48

My kids are earning and saving a decent amount - not more than us but we expect them to buy the odd round in the pub or the coffee shop. Why did we expect it - because I think it’s good manners especially after we have paid for dinner out/cinema/holidays etc - it’s a token gesture - to be an adult earning a good income and always on the take from your parents is not good manners imo!

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 01/04/2026 10:51

When I got to that stage with our parents we enjoyed treating them. Then when we had children money was tighter and they returned the favour.

Now they're older they don't spend as much on holidays etc and enjoy treating their family to special meals etc.

I hope that my children will continue the theme of generosity when we get to that stage.

KidsDoBetter · 01/04/2026 10:53

AnnaQuayRules · 01/04/2026 09:51

Thanks for the responses.

I am amazingly proud of him. He had a dreadful period in his teens where his mental health was very poor and he dropped out of school without completing his A levels. At one point we thought he was totally unemployable. So he's done amazingly well.

Good point about housing and rent costs. He is single and pays a lot of money for a small rental flat. His disposable income is much less than DH and me combined, although that might change when DH retires next year

You sound lovely and so does he :)) Delighted he made it through a tricky period. You are only as happy as your least happy child, as the saying goes eh.

dottiedodah · 01/04/2026 10:54

My Son earnt more than us as soon as he left Uni .We always pay though for meals out and lots at Christmas/Birthdays . Well done to your DS for getting through and doing well

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 01/04/2026 10:58

My dad and my MIL love to treat us, and that's their joy, irrelevant to what anyone earns.

FIL has a bit of a snotty attitude towards it, because he sees the larger salaries, but not the relatively more difficult financial circumstances. My mum is similar, because she was a freelancer, and therefore sees our stable incomes as some kind of great bounty compared to her irregular work.

1dayatatime · 01/04/2026 10:59

I would be more concerned that the current tax rates mean that your son sees no point in earning more money because he would lose nearly 50% of it in tax (40% + 8% NI).

Iocanepowder · 01/04/2026 11:02

My mum was jealous when she found out my salary and my husband’s salary. But she is a jealous person by nature.

I would be so pleased if my kids end up doing well financially and wouldn’t see it as a comparison to me.

SanctusInDistress · 01/04/2026 11:02

I earn more than my dad. When I offer to pay he always says no. He’s told me to stop offering to pay. I hope I’ll be of the same attitude when my children earn more than me. In fact, I’ll celebrate by inviting THEM to dinner. I child earning more than you should be a life goal.

Original poster
AnnaQuayRules · 01/04/2026 11:03

SLAMSreadmore · 01/04/2026 10:48

My kids are earning and saving a decent amount - not more than us but we expect them to buy the odd round in the pub or the coffee shop. Why did we expect it - because I think it’s good manners especially after we have paid for dinner out/cinema/holidays etc - it’s a token gesture - to be an adult earning a good income and always on the take from your parents is not good manners imo!

DS does pay for some things, if we go to the pub he'll buy a round, or he'll pay for the drinks and I'll pay for the food occasionally. He also brings me flowers etc when he visits

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnaQuayRules · 01/04/2026 11:06

1dayatatime · 01/04/2026 10:59

I would be more concerned that the current tax rates mean that your son sees no point in earning more money because he would lose nearly 50% of it in tax (40% + 8% NI).

He would absolutely be ok with that if it was his base salary. He just doesn't see the point if he's offered a few hours of overtime as he thinks the working into the evening or on one of his non-working Saturdays isn't worth it. He'd rather have the free time.

OP posts: