What do you do when your adult DC start earning more than you?

[AnnaQuayRules]

I've worked in adult social care for most of my working life. Sometimes for small charities, sometimes for an LA. I am currently working for an LA in a middle management job. I'm in my 50s and 2 years ago moved into the higher rate tax band (just!) for the first time in my life.

I was chatting to DS the other day and he was saying he had been offered some overtime at work but wasn't going to bother with it as it would be taxed at 40% as he's now a higher rate tax payer. I'm really pleased that he's in a job he loves and that he's earning well, but it has made me feel slightly odd, especially as it's taken me such a long time to get to where I've got and he is 30 years younger than me. I'm not jealous in any way, it's more that my role as "provider" seems to have disappeared.

We don't see him very often as he lives over 200 miles away, but when we do I'm still in "parent" mode so pay for meals out etc. But he now earns similar (or possibly more) than DH and I each do. I can't imagine going out with him and then splitting the bill, which is silly as that's what I do with my Mum, but he's still my little boy, despite being in his 20s!

How have other people negotiated this?

Depends on disposable income and assets (e.g. mortgage free home vs renting/modest savings…building wealth phase or may be needing to start passing on wealth) not income alone.

Closest and happiest family I know have split bills/been pretty reciprocal from mid twenties/early thirties onwards with hosting - as a result they go for a lot more meals out and host each other more I think than they would have otherwise. I guess disposable incomes were pretty similar from that point and whilst comfortable no issue with needing to pass on wealth/big surplus. That started 25+ years ago though, times are a bit different now. I would say that is the ideal place to get to unless either parent/adult DC has a clear surplus and wants to share it. If you can easily afford it then twenties now probably isn’t the time for that, even if they are earning more.

We felt quite drained PIL when we were in our thirties as there was a clear expectation that we paid for all meals out and did 90% of the hosting as we were earning more, despite them being comfortable. They were like this when DH was much younger too. With mortgage and childcare I am pretty sure at that point they had a higher disposable income…would have been good then to be 50/50 then! By the time we could easily afford to do this in our forties we didn’t much feel inclined to…

With our adult DC we will prob pretty much always pay, and for other things out of surplus income regardless of their salary as we only have one child and need to pass money downwards and this is just one way.

From the other perspective, i now earn enough to treat my parents to things like meals out and i LOVE it. A way of saying thanks to them for enabling me to achieve the success I have. They also like to treat me so we take turns. The best is still going home to my parents and having a roast cooked by Mum though.

I’m not there yet but I think I’d he happy always paying for things like meals out and other little treats long as I can comfortably afford and as long as I know they’re grateful for it because I do enjoy getting to spoil them and the opportunities get fewer and further between the older they get.

I don’t see it just to do with earnings but more where you are in your lives? My parents retired young and so we’ve had a bigger household income than them for a while. When I was in my 20s they still paid for meals out and trips, we were trying to get on the housing ladder then early 30s started a family. But now in my late 30s we have a decent house and are more comfortable, we tend to take it in turns to pay for meals and birthday and Christmas gifts are fairly equal amounts. I wouldn't want them to be paying more than we do. So somewhere between 20s and late 30s we transitioned to being equal in spending.

My Mum still sends me an advent calendar and I'm 47... It makes us both happy, so why would I want her to stop?

That's brilliant! Great achievement for your kids. I say get them to buy you a pint 😄

Well done him.
Both my DC earn more than me because I'm retired. However they are in their 20s with mortgages and much higher outgoings than us. Plus we have comfortable savings and want to pass it on. We still help them out as often as we can.

We will continue to get the bill as long as possible. They always offer to pay and occasionally manage it before we get chance. Also we let them pay if it's a birthday for one of us.

I honestly don't understand the problem.

Be happy, the goal is that your children should have a higher standard of living than you, sadly this often doesn't happen these days- you were successful-rejoice!

We paid for plenty of things when they were younger, because they were paying back student loans, had young children, getting on the property ladder. Now they have way more than us and I’m happy for them, but I won’t be putting my hand in my pocket any more.

Fair enough and I totally see his logic. But it just goes to highlight that taxation discourages working and benefits encourages not working.

Isn't the whole point of having DC that they do better in life than we did ? I've always wanted my DC to do better for themselves than we did.
To hopefully buy a bigger house than ours and earn more and climb the ladder further ..isn't that why we pushed them to do well at school .??
Obviously mental health is important to ,and being happy counts for a lot too.
I just thought this was a given ,so much so this thread really surprised me ,that anyone would expect anything different

My kids earn maybe 50 percent more than me and a bit less than DH’s pension.They are early 30s. We still treat and spoil them cos our mortgage is paid and we have more disposal income. They have young families .They help out at xmas and buy nice presents and if we’re out for a meal will offer to pay but I’ll mostly cook family Sunday dinners at home.

It’s 2% NI over £50k, isn’t it?

I feel very relieved that DS is earning more than me, 2 years post grad, as his lifestyle requires it. High rent, travelling, nice cars that are not necessary etc. I still pay though because he is very close to being in debt, which I hate. He was so good with money growing up and had about £8k saved from weekend work at 18. Met his current partner who is very much a "live for today and worry about it tomorrow" type and blew it very quickly. I'm not happy with his choices and would not be helping him regularly as I don't want to facilitate this.
DD will outearn me when she graduates, I'm thrilled for her, hope she will treat me for a lunch a few times per year, but I still want to pay for her.
My DM retired early due to health but her private pension had collapsed and she had to be careful for a nber of years before her SP kicked in. I want to always pay for her.

I’d be delighted!

That’s a very Gen Z mindset (and not necessarily a bad thing).

I have almost always out earned my parents (father, mum was a SAHM). They still have more disposable income, because costs were so much lower for them - e.g. they bought a house with 20 acres of land in the SE for less than I now earn - it was 110k. They privately educated 3 of us on a single income etc.

We have always had more money than my MIL. She isn’t in any way poverty stricken, it’s just with earnings and family money from my side there’s more. I can’t remember the last time she paid for something. She always assumes we will pick up the bill. When we go to hers and do her shopping, or she comes to us and we pay for all meals out I roll my eyes but mind less. However, I am hyper vigilant around when she, or SIL, are trying to get us to pay for something. A new kitchen was a highlight.

@Allowingthebreezethroughmyhair wow!

I’d feel happy for them, that’s it, plain and simple.

My dad is retired, so doesn’t earn anymore, but even if he did, my sister would out earn both him and me together. My sister loves our dad, respects him and is happy to ask him for advice. It’s a non-issue.

@AnnaQuayRules oh yes. The manufactured ways it’s been tried over the years. They haven’t caught me out but it’s not for a want of trying

This is the dream balance.

That's a good point. I've been out-earning my mum since I was in my early 20s and I always pay. It makes me very happy to treat her.

You actually make other halves pay for themselves? That seems a really bizarre set up.
Are you actually saying that if your son takes you out for Mothers' Day he doesn't pay for his own father's meal too? Astonishing and incredibly mean spirited for someone who earns 6 figures.