What do you do when your adult DC start earning more than you?

[AnnaQuayRules]

I've worked in adult social care for most of my working life. Sometimes for small charities, sometimes for an LA. I am currently working for an LA in a middle management job. I'm in my 50s and 2 years ago moved into the higher rate tax band (just!) for the first time in my life.

I was chatting to DS the other day and he was saying he had been offered some overtime at work but wasn't going to bother with it as it would be taxed at 40% as he's now a higher rate tax payer. I'm really pleased that he's in a job he loves and that he's earning well, but it has made me feel slightly odd, especially as it's taken me such a long time to get to where I've got and he is 30 years younger than me. I'm not jealous in any way, it's more that my role as "provider" seems to have disappeared.

We don't see him very often as he lives over 200 miles away, but when we do I'm still in "parent" mode so pay for meals out etc. But he now earns similar (or possibly more) than DH and I each do. I can't imagine going out with him and then splitting the bill, which is silly as that's what I do with my Mum, but he's still my little boy, despite being in his 20s!

How have other people negotiated this?

My DC who out earn me by miles are not only paying mortgages but have 9% student loan taken off so their pay isn't quite as good as it appears.

You don't "do" anything.
Hopefully you already treated him as a competent adult, which he is.
And, if course, most parents would feel pleased that he's doing well.

My daughter earns 5 x what I do. Living in London (her not me) plus paying off a student loan, it's not as marvellous salary wise as it otherwise would be. When she's home I pay for everything (my choice). I don't feel weird about it at all

I'm a bit surprised she doesn't feel weird about it. We would never have allowed my parents to pay for everything once we were earning - it's a changed generation with their hand out all the time.

Well of course I'm pleased he's doing well. Especially given his earlier struggles. I'm enormously proud of him.

I understand that but obviously my son doesn't have any student loans.

Celebrate!

And make sure that they understand how tax bands work. It's not 40% of the whole salary, just the bit over the threshold. (Your child probably does know this, but someone upthread clearly didn't.)

Both my sons have become extremely well off and because I invested in their business I to am doing well. Neither of them would ever think of letting me pay just as I’d never of let my mother pay once I was earning good money.

Like others I’m completely delighted. Ds is organised and ambitious and frankly I’m a bit in awe of his success.

If I invite him out I still pay because I love to treat him, and because over a third of his take home pay goes on rent, plus another ten per cent on his student loan. But he took me out for Mothers Day lunch this year. ❤️

Yes, he does understand that. He works a 40 hour week including one Saturday in 3. He's occasionally offered an additional Saturday shift, but says he'd rather have the time off than the money given that any overtime will be taxed at 40%.

I have one son who earns more than his siblings and us altogether. It is lovely having a child who can treat us ! We generally pay for family meals etc but also lovely that it is reciprocated as well.The others are in professional jobs but earning a lot less than their baby brother 🤦‍♀️

I was very glad when my children started earning more than me, because I thought they would need less help from me. However they still seem very happy for me to provide things for them and, apart from usually generous birthday and Christmas presents, don't actually do much for me.

It irks me a bit as, although I no longer have a mortgage to pay, I am now retired on a small pension and they seem happy to live up to, and probably over, their incomes spending on holidays, expensive children's activities, going to gigs, takeaways etc.

They're both in their 40s and it would be really nice if they could help me a bit... not necessarily by spending money but in practical ways maybe. They are both still in 'child' mode I feel.

You should consider it a win as a parent that your child is succeeding in life. He will always be your child though

My three children all out earn me and that’s great, but they all have high mortgages/housing costs whereas I’m mortgage free so my disposable income is actually higher than theirs.
When we go out or away we always Splitwise but I often “forget” to add my spending 😄

Im 32 and consider cutting contact if my mother didnt buy me an advent calendar

(Obviously a joke but - for real, she can skip the gifts if she wants. But I want that £2 advent calendar 😂)

I think a lot are!

Op this is good he knows his free time is precious and the extra money is not worth it employers think there doing you a favour offering extra hours but not everyone wants to give up there free time. Also it’s a positive that he doesn’t need to work more to just survive he obviously is working enough as it is. I would suggest him putting as much as he can into his pension as well especially at this age and if he can afford it. It sounds like you have done a great job and he’s done well earning a good wage.

I would take my mum out for her birthday....we take it in turns to pay other times. Or she might want to pay or I might.

It's definitely not the parent paying for everything.

my youngest son earns 3 times p.a at 28 than I’ve ever earned at 57. I still pay when we go out to eat or go on holiday together etc.
I no longer have a mortgage so have more disposable income. He currently pay 3 times as much per month for his mortgage than I ever did.

I am amazed you think this is ok, that your son is financially comfortable but has still got his hand out - I’d be embarrassed that your dc is still allowing you to pay.

@DilemmaDelilah whst help do you give them?

Celebrate the great job you did! All of my 4 DC earn more than me so I’m very happy for them

That’s given me massive hope. My son has just dropped out of sixth form. I’ll be very relieved if he out earns us.

@bozzabollix it's so worrying isn't it? 10 years ago I honestly thought he was unemployable, his mental health was so bad. However, the moment he left school and the academic pressure was off him, he really changed. He was honestly like a different person. Luckily he has very good GCSEs so was able to get admin jobs and get some routine into his life. Then 5 years ago he decided to do an apprenticeship which he loved. He qualified (as a car mechanic) 2 years ago. We are so proud of him. Hopefully your son will get there.

Where did I say ‘he has still got his hand out’ or that he doesn’t pay for anything? I said I pay when we go out which is what I want to do. My money so I will spend it how I please. And i have never been and doubt will ever, be embarrassed by that boy.

I will never understand how on here people get so triggered by parents continuing to help their children after they become adults. We don’t all cut them off the minute they turn 18. I don’t know anyone in our circle who does that.