Would you tell former friend or let bygones be bygones.

[Scruffysquirrels]

5 years ago when DH died I felt badly let down by our "couples" friendship group. I posted about it at the time if it sounds familiar.

This was a group of 4 couples, including us, who had done loads together, practically every weekend, over a period of c.10 years.

They'd been quite good to us during DH's illness, although it was lockdown so we didn't see that much of them. I subsequently found out they'd continued to meet up regularly without including me/us (group of 6 so difficult, but it still hurt)

Then when DH died they were full of "what can we do", then completely disappeared. No contact at all in the week before his funeral. I later found out that was because they'd gone on a secret holiday together. It was definitely secret because these are people who usually post loads on SM and didn't.

They did make the funeral but got back late the night before and didn't "have time" to make the cakes they'd promised. ETA they never told me the holiday was the reason for the lack of time. I only know because a mutual aquaintanmce told me where they were.

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't so bad, coming out of lockdown, everyone was doing what the needed to to stay sane, but at the time, realising the people I (and DH) thought would be there for me in my darkest times weren't going to be was very hard to take.

I probably withdrew a bit, but it wasnt only me, it's not like I was ignoring their attempts to get in touch.

We've had barely any contact since. I've built a new life, with new friends and am doing well. We're occasionally at the same events and I do my best to stay away from them. Will say a polite hello if the situation requires it, but no more. They don't make any effort either.

I bumped into the woman who was my "best" friend, and the one who hurt me most, at an exercise class this morning. Maybe because of the time elapsed or maybe because of the exercise high, I asked her if she had time for a coffee after. To give her her due, she said yes, even though she did have plans.

So we had 40 mins perfectly pleasant catch up on a very superficial level, a bit of (good natured) gossip about mutual aquaintances and what our adult DC are up to.

I don't suppose we'll ever be friends again, but it was good not to feel the need to avoid her.

Would you tell her how badly you were hurt?

What would it achieve?

You did very well not to blurt all over her at this meeting. I'd not push it unless you really want to have a final vent. If you see them out & about, probably best to let it be.

I can understand wanting to do that OP but I doubt it would do any good.

I don't think I would. It would likely end up unearthing a while load of feelings that would be upsetting and hurtful. I wouldn't be looking rekindle the friendship either, even just a coffee, the way you were treated was terrible.

I know. There's part of me that wants to hear their justification for what they did, but I realise I probably wouldn't like it.

I think she showed you who she is, and it wasn't very nice. There is no WAY I would ditch a friend at that time, but if I had a holiday booked, I would still go, but I wouldn't hide it. ??

People don’t know how to deal with death. It’s shit of them. But there it is.
I’m glad you’ve made nice new friends op. Personally I like to avoid drama if possible so wouldn’t mention it.

Do you think they kept the holiday quiet and didn’t post all over social media because you had just lost your DH? They maybe didn’t invite you because they knew you wouldn’t be able to go (either because your DH was to ill or already died) and they thought the best thing to do would not be post it everywhere to spare your feelings?

I don't know because they never talked to me about it, but as they haven't considered me in anything they've done since, I doubt that's all there was to it.

I think it's hard. If you withdrew a bit they may have felt they were respecting your desire to put some distance. They may have thought that being with them would make your husband's absence more poignant and that you might not want that. They may have thought that mentioning the holiday would be rubbing your face in it, so were being sensitive by keeping quiet over it.

Sometimes people do the wrong thing with the best of intentions.

If you withdrew from them maybe they were following your lead? It seems after that everyone has just got on with their lives and then no attempts from either side were made which results in people moving on from friendships.
I know if I booked a holiday I would still go but as it’s something you would usually attend I wouldn’t post on social media as to not rub your face in it but I wouldn’t not post because it’s a secret.

I didn't make any effort, but I was the grieving widow and I literally heard nothing from these long term friends. Not even a just checking in text.

I don't know when the holiday was booked, but whenever it was all the plans were made without ever mentioning it to me. If it was all normal and above board wouldn't the first trip in months have come up in conversation at some point, either before or after?

They and she, all know already, they don’t want to talk about it as they would have to acknowledge what utter shits they were.

You’ve done amazing.

I wouldn’t have given that person the time of day. You showed her the person you are. I bet she’s shrivelling inside.

I think if you did that there’s a chance you will get angry again at them.

Op you have done so well, you’ve made a nee life for yourself away from these selfish tossers. Focus on what matters now, you & your adult dc and your new found life with your new good friends.

I have a long standing friend who ghosted me years ago in a way that hurt me very deeply. I tried a couple of times to contact her over the yers on social media but she never responded. Its unfinished business. If I met her again casually in my city (unlikely) and we went for a coffee we would probably talk in the casual way you did with your old friend. But we would never be close again. Sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie - to use an old expression.

Realistically,is there anything she could say that would make you feel better? I think it's tempting to think that it would be cathartic to get a lot of stuff off your chest, but in reality, the other person may not apologise, or feel bad, or even acknowledge their poor behaviour, so just consider how that would feel if it happens.

I agree they were shit. You'll always know that they are shit.

They'll know too but will have justified it to themselves.

They will have built a story that you dropped them because it was too painful to be in a couples situation now you are a widow. That they “kindly” followed your lead. Hearing it all will infuriate you and upset your peace. They aren’t who you thought they were. I’m sorry you were so let down.

Would you tell her how badly you were hurt?

No, because no good would come of it. She'd either say they were respecting your wishes as you withdrew or she'll get defensive and try and explain her actions away. Neither answer will give you peace or heal the hurt they caused.

And would you also not send a single text to your friend in the lead up to her husband’s funeral?

Ignore all these posters who are trying to make you doubt yourself @Scruffysquirrels - you were treated appallingly and in your shoes I wouldn’t spend a single second of my time on these people. You deserve better. Keep on with your life and don’t give them the opportunity to infiltrate.

I think I do remember your post at the time.

Glad to hear you are doing well after the death of your husband.

I would feel similar to you, very let down, and well done for being the bigger person and asking her for a coffee.

I don’t understand why she isn’t really embarrassed, to be honest. I think they have all behaved quite badly.

To answer your question though, no I wouldn’t say anything. It won’t do any good.

HOWEVER, if she asks, comments on you not being as close etc, I would absolutely then just give it to her straight.

For what it’s worth, when my dad died 3 years ago, I had one friend in particular who really let me down and was just nowhere to be seen. My dad had helped this friend out quite a lot in the years before his death and this friend didn’t even attend his funeral or send a card, in fact nothing more than an acknowledgment of a post on social media sharing funeral details. Didn’t even send a text.

we are still friends but nowhere near as close. It’s absolutely not something I can understand, forget or get over. We get on fine but there is a distance and I certainly won’t be doing any more favours.

Came on to say this too. She knows.

I suspect this is what you will be told

I don't think saying anything will achieve anything, They will believe that the above happened and that you are just lashing out because you are grieving. I would be polite but indifferent when you run into them.

I know it must've been very hurtful that they went away without you and never said anything, but I can see how it happened. The holiday was no doubt booked months ahead, during a time when your DH would have been very unwell and your own future too uncertain to be able to commit to joining them, but it's really bad luck that the holiday ended up falling between your DH's death and his funeral. The timing clearly wasn't meant to hurt you, but having not included you it would've been far too awkward to then try to explain. However, you then found out from a third party and this no doubt made them all feel awkward and unsure about whether contact from them would be welcomed and this awkwardness sadly resulted in you all becoming estranged. It's a real pity that such good friends couldn't have reached out and just apologised. But should you say anything, will anything be gained from you doing so? I doubt it. Personally, I think I'd just let it go. It's the most dignified thing to do.

I wouldn't, and I wouldn't have gone for coffee either.

What made you invite her?

I don't know, probably the endorphins, but it seemed like the right thing to do, rising above it all. I'm glad I did but I won't be reaching out to do it again.