Would you tell former friend or let bygones be bygones.

[Scruffysquirrels]

5 years ago when DH died I felt badly let down by our "couples" friendship group. I posted about it at the time if it sounds familiar.

This was a group of 4 couples, including us, who had done loads together, practically every weekend, over a period of c.10 years.

They'd been quite good to us during DH's illness, although it was lockdown so we didn't see that much of them. I subsequently found out they'd continued to meet up regularly without including me/us (group of 6 so difficult, but it still hurt)

Then when DH died they were full of "what can we do", then completely disappeared. No contact at all in the week before his funeral. I later found out that was because they'd gone on a secret holiday together. It was definitely secret because these are people who usually post loads on SM and didn't.

They did make the funeral but got back late the night before and didn't "have time" to make the cakes they'd promised. ETA they never told me the holiday was the reason for the lack of time. I only know because a mutual aquaintanmce told me where they were.

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't so bad, coming out of lockdown, everyone was doing what the needed to to stay sane, but at the time, realising the people I (and DH) thought would be there for me in my darkest times weren't going to be was very hard to take.

I probably withdrew a bit, but it wasnt only me, it's not like I was ignoring their attempts to get in touch.

We've had barely any contact since. I've built a new life, with new friends and am doing well. We're occasionally at the same events and I do my best to stay away from them. Will say a polite hello if the situation requires it, but no more. They don't make any effort either.

I bumped into the woman who was my "best" friend, and the one who hurt me most, at an exercise class this morning. Maybe because of the time elapsed or maybe because of the exercise high, I asked her if she had time for a coffee after. To give her her due, she said yes, even though she did have plans.

So we had 40 mins perfectly pleasant catch up on a very superficial level, a bit of (good natured) gossip about mutual aquaintances and what our adult DC are up to.

I don't suppose we'll ever be friends again, but it was good not to feel the need to avoid her.

Would you tell her how badly you were hurt?

I don’t think you need to hear their excuses for their behaviour -because excuses is all it will be.
i hope your former friend felt awkward as fuck during your coffee!
You’ve been through a lot over the last few years, and it’s so good to hear you’ve come out of the other side with new friends and a new life. 💐

I think it was good meeting for the coffee, you did nothing wrong and perhaps they feel like they tried, but it wasn't enough.

I had friends who enabled an abuser, 10 years after our friendship ended, we reconnected. It took another 10 years for me to discuss what had happened all those years before. They had no recollection of the abuse and were confused why I had simply vanished. We were all young and I chose to forgive them, not for what they had done but because they showed up and have been good friends since.

I wouldn't pursue this further unless they reach out to you. Sadly as has been said by others "recollections may vary" they may feel like they did nothing wrong and ultimately they hurt you before and may do so again.

You have made a new life, well done. Don't invest in old friends who hurt you particularly if they are not investing in you!

This is right, and wise.
I was widowed, suddenly, so no opportunity for friends to help in illness, but some of my friends just didn't bother. My oldest friend didn't contact me for months after the funeral, not even a 'phone call. My closest friend didn't call me in the time between death and funeral because she 'couldn't get a signal'. FFS. She lived two miles away. There's email, landline. She became very critical in the following few months; mildly abusive. I see neither of these people, and I won't, ever again. It's a cliché, but you find out who your friends are at times like that. Those people were not your friends.

In my experience of mutual couple friends when I split with my ex husband, you find out who your friends really are.
I took away that I was better off without negative people in my life and the ones that really cared were the ones I took with me in my new life.
It does sting at the time but it's quite liberating knowing you don't need these people in your life

Yes, they were all at the funeral, but I heard nothing from them in the week before or ever afterwards.

Ok, some people may feel like that, but I was out and about "keeping busy", but even if that were the case, it wasn't that I was declining invitations from them, there were none, not even an occasional just checking in text.

I'm sure there's some truth in all of that, although based on the details they'd previously shared regarding their marriages, I don't know why anyone would think I want their husbands 🤣

I think any “justification” they or she comes up with will be so minimal in the context of you going through your DH’s illness, death and bereavement that it can only upset or anger you. More likely they will have spun it to themselves that they were trying not to upset you/ wanted to help but didn’t know what to do.
You absolutely can let them know but only if you can think of a way it will help you get past what they did or if you want to do it as a public service.

No, I wouldn't say anything.

Some people are really bad at knowing what to do and say when someone has died and this sometimes comes out as avoidance- they're so worried about saying the wrong thing that they avoid you entirely. It's shitty behaviour but sadly quite common. IME the people who manage not to do this are either the really decent ones who are able to put their discomfort second, or people who have experienced bereavement themselves.

I'm glad that you are doing well and I would focus on your new life and friends.

If it happens to come up in conversation "why did we drift apart" , then I'd absolutely say why. But if it doesn't come up, I wouldn't say anything. It really irks me though, when people pretend not to know why a friendship has drifted.

It’s absolutely what happens when you find yourself single sadly, you get dropped like a rock. Sad they are so shallow and sad that they can’t put themselves in your shoes and try to support a dear friend.

but… nothing you can do. It’s not about you, it’s really not.

as I said in my previous post, you’ve been the bigger person and invited her for coffee, you wanted to ask what tf happened for them to drop you like that, but you didn’t. That’s a good thing.

as others have said, if you ask them why they dropped you, whatever answer they come up with won’t make any difference to you, could hurt you more and will more than likely not even be the truth.

so you’ve risen above it, keep rising and leave them behind. I’d like to think that you’ve made your former supposed best friend think about what they’ve done to you, but probably she’ll have told herself that it’s all good cos you’re fine now.

I suggest you now drop this all from your head, let the world turn and carry on with you life as you’ve now made it. Keep her/them at arms length because they’re not friends.

Strongly doubt they’ll ever ask, because they know the answer to this. IF that question ever gets asked, @Scruffysquirrels I’d be tempted to go in with both boots, blunt and factual. They don’t deserve any sugar coating.

Nope. And I wouldn’t be having coffee with her again either. She was a shit friend. She doesn’t deserve the precious time

I wouldn’t say anything now but if it was me I would probably have said something at the time. When I am grieving I can be extremely volatile.

I understand you being hurt by the change in treatment by friends after your DH died,i have experienced it too.
I think it happens for many complex reasons eg: Awkwardness,fear,mortality reflection,social imbalance issues,misunderstanding grief.
It does impact you and can make you feel awful. It made me question wether those friendships were ever real at all .
Do you think there is anything to be gained by telling her how you feel?

Dont.

I remember your previous thread and I think it was incredibly gracious of you to give that "friend" the time of day, let alone invite her for a coffee. I know there's a school of thought that you should just let it go but they let you down so badly as a group. They just abandoned you at your lowest point. If it were me, I think I'd have to say something for the sake of my DH's memory, even if it's just that the anodyne version that I was a bit disappointed contact fizzled out.

People don’t know what to do. Some people do though, and it sounds like you have surrounded yourself with those people now, which is what you need.

My son died at a similar time and some friends were amazing and some were not. Most of the ones who were not were the people who defined me by him (I don’t mean that in a bad way). Mainly they were the mothers of his friends. They just didn’t know how to have a relationship with me and didn’t want to put themselves in my position and so distanced themselves.

That’s not an excuse, but I imagine that they struggled to know where to put you now you weren’t a cosy group of couples.

You don’t need to tell them though, I’m sure they are well aware.

I’m so sorry all of this happened, and people let you down.

They won't care, they didn't care then and they won't care now. She will make herself an object of gossip for a brief time, and then they will go back to not caring.

And it's just not that dramatic. They weren't family, just friends. They went on a holiday without her because they wanted to. There's nothing wrong with that, such is life. They didn't rub her nose in it and they respectfully attended the funeral. Then they didn't contact her, which is sad and hurtful but incredibly common after a death.

There is no real story to tell, and nothing to actually be gracious about.

You can't make people care about you, or feel what you want them to feel, you can only choose to keep on walking.

They would only bullshit their way out of it all.

Stay silent and strong.

I remember your post, times of crisis really can show us who are true friends. I've seen time & time again that during periods of ill health or bereavement those friends you felt closest to will not be seen for dust & others you thought of as a passing acquaintance will come forward & provide the greatest support.
We had a similar experience when DH was critically ill just after 1st coving lock down. The 1st time parents group who we had been close to ever since, 12 families, knew & not 1 person messaged or asked how he or I & kids were doing. 2 ladies I worked with occasionally are now our closest friends after they stepped up to support us all. I've reciprocated as they have had tough times & we laugh our way daily through life & all it's ups & downs. The others I have seen in the street a few times & exchanged pleasantries. I didn't say anything, wasn't worth my energy to deal with the drama it would have likely caused & wouldn't have changed anything because I couldn't think of their friendship in the same way regardless.
You sound like you have a lovely group of new friends & life has moved on.

I mean this in the kindest way, but you really need to give your head a good wobble.

She had the opportunity when YOU asked her if she wanted to join you for a coffee, but she didn't say anything did she. Why? Because what could she actually say about such appalling behaviour?

I bet she was quietly cringing and she bloody well should have been.

I wouldn't be surprised if you don't see her at that exercise class ever again.

They sound like a shower of uncaring bastards and you're better off without them!

If you say anything to her, you'll end up feeling like you need to avoid her in future again. If she wasn't ok with her behaviour, she wouldn't have done it. So confronting her isn't going to go down well. As it stands, you've pressed the reset button and you're back to being on friendly terms, albeit not close friends any more. I'd leave it there. It's dignified, it's polite and there's no awkwardness. It's the best you can hope for in the circumstances.

The one thing I've realised in life - nobody is ever really there for you. Except family, if you're lucky. Your friends did more than most. So many disappear at the first sign of trouble. Yes they met up without you, but I expect they wanted some time without the elephant in the room of your husband's illness or his absence. Some time to be fun and carefree like they usually would, without fear of upsetting you.

Same with the holiday. They came back for the funeral, they helped in the run up except that week, they didn't splash it all over social media rubbing your nose in it. They should have gone to the shop and bought cakes if they couldn't fulfil their promises to make some though.

It's a shame they haven't included you in the friendship group since. That's lousy. I guess it's the dynamics, it's a couples thing in their eyes, same would have happened if you'd got divorced. I think they could have tried though. If it didn't really work with you as a single, I expect you'd have phased yourself out of the group of your own accord anyway.

They probably didn't want to deal with your grief, which is selfish - but people generally are, deep down. Grief doesn't last forever, not everyone is needy with it and they wouldn't want to be abandoned if it was them.

It's the way of the world though. We live in an individualistic society, this type of thing is just a sign of that.

Three times in my life, when going through life changing circumstances, I've lost my friends. Same as you, I can't reach out and they don't, although if they had I'd have responded. Time passes and I never do bother getting back in touch, there's really no point. Just start again, as you have. It's made me realise though, that there's really no point in ever putting yourself out for someone in the name of friendship, because when the chips are down they'll be nowhere to be seen. As much as I might care about someone, I don't treat friends as if they're going to be around forever, I put myself first and only remain in touch with people where it's convenient to do so. It does go against my nature, I naturally consider friends as important as family and wish society was a little less individualistic, but if everyone else is easy-come-easy-go about it then all you can do is try to fit in.

I think it's why so many people can't bear to be single, it's only by having a partner that you can have the illusion that someone will always be there for you. I say illusion because many don't marry and have a partner who is easy-come-easy-go about it all and doesn't really respect or love them, they just don't realise until their partner cheats or they split up for whatever reason. Even marriage doesn't last in a lot of cases.

It depends what you mean by “let bygones be bygones”. Your friends let you down badly, no question, and it’s understandable that you feel hurt by that. It seems to me, though, that’s saying anything at all to her about this won’t help you feel better nor will it reconstitute the friendship.

You can’t return to the way things used to be and it very much reads as though she’s not interested in it anyway. That friendship has gone and it isn’t what you and your husband thought it was. I don’t think you can get that back.

It’s really sad to think that all those years together didn’t mean enough for them to help you when you needed it most.