Would you tell former friend or let bygones be bygones.

[Scruffysquirrels]

5 years ago when DH died I felt badly let down by our "couples" friendship group. I posted about it at the time if it sounds familiar.

This was a group of 4 couples, including us, who had done loads together, practically every weekend, over a period of c.10 years.

They'd been quite good to us during DH's illness, although it was lockdown so we didn't see that much of them. I subsequently found out they'd continued to meet up regularly without including me/us (group of 6 so difficult, but it still hurt)

Then when DH died they were full of "what can we do", then completely disappeared. No contact at all in the week before his funeral. I later found out that was because they'd gone on a secret holiday together. It was definitely secret because these are people who usually post loads on SM and didn't.

They did make the funeral but got back late the night before and didn't "have time" to make the cakes they'd promised. ETA they never told me the holiday was the reason for the lack of time. I only know because a mutual aquaintanmce told me where they were.

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't so bad, coming out of lockdown, everyone was doing what the needed to to stay sane, but at the time, realising the people I (and DH) thought would be there for me in my darkest times weren't going to be was very hard to take.

I probably withdrew a bit, but it wasnt only me, it's not like I was ignoring their attempts to get in touch.

We've had barely any contact since. I've built a new life, with new friends and am doing well. We're occasionally at the same events and I do my best to stay away from them. Will say a polite hello if the situation requires it, but no more. They don't make any effort either.

I bumped into the woman who was my "best" friend, and the one who hurt me most, at an exercise class this morning. Maybe because of the time elapsed or maybe because of the exercise high, I asked her if she had time for a coffee after. To give her her due, she said yes, even though she did have plans.

So we had 40 mins perfectly pleasant catch up on a very superficial level, a bit of (good natured) gossip about mutual aquaintances and what our adult DC are up to.

I don't suppose we'll ever be friends again, but it was good not to feel the need to avoid her.

Would you tell her how badly you were hurt?

I wouldn't bother saying anything but what awful people.
To be so close for 10 years and to collectively just leave you to it, is just shocking.

It must have been so hard.
Well done for moving on.
You were very generous to suggest coffee, i certainly wouldn't have.

Mind yourself.

I think you are being unduly hard on them. In lockdown they were allowed a group of 6. Your husband was ill so it was an obvious choice. They had a holiday booked. It turned out to be unfortunate timing. Your world had stopped but theirs hadn’t. Of course they didn’t want to tell you they were holidaying. You have had little to do with them so they withdrew from you.

Going away without us/me may have been unavoidable, but there was no need for radio silence while I was organising his funeral, or afterwards.

As @derxa said up thread this may just be British awkwardness around death. They may have also thought at the time you would want to be around your adult situation.
OP, of course I do not know the situation. My husband’s best friend died about 8 years ago. We have made quite a few attempts to see his wife. We are usually given an excuse, though we did meet up before Christmas. Another friend of mine lost her husband a few years ago and she really didn’t feel like meeting up for about a year after.

They behaved badly, I'm sorry you experienced that.

My thoughts ( and I could be wrong) is that they may enjoy being in a group of just couples. On your own it wouldn't be the same dynamic. For whatever reason, they felt you no longer fitted in. Also ( and I speak from experience) you may have been seen as a threat as a newly single woman.
Sorry if that sounds insensitive, but I believe there's truth in it, I've seen it play out.

Good you've got new friends. I think I would've made a comment about their behaviour too.

I am so so sorry that this happened to you OP. 💐 Totally despicable behaviour and there is no excuse for it. I completely understand your need for closure and to understand what happened. I’d be burning with curiosity if it were me. However as others have said, there’s likely little to be gained by asking; you would probably be seen as needy and you’re unlikely to get an honest answer. They’ve shown you who they are and you’ve acted with dignity. All the best for your future x

I am so so sorry that this happened to you OP. 💐 Totally despicable behaviour and there is no excuse for it. I completely understand your need for closure and to understand what happened. I’d be burning with curiosity if it were me. However as others have said, there’s likely little to be gained by asking; you would probably be seen as needy and you’re unlikely to get an honest answer. They’ve shown you who they are and you’ve acted with dignity. All the best for your future x

Karma… sod the idiots ❤️

Some of these responses are silly. Brits are dreadful around bereavement. The people claiming they would have behaved entirely differently are deluding themselves, in at least some cases.

Maybe this was a moment to “t tie up “ a loose end and you acted with dignity
good for you!

I really don’t understand anyone trying to defend them here. Collectively they have behaved appallingly imo.
When people die even neighbours check in, colleagues check in. People you had spent years of your life with and called friends, disappearing at a tough time is absolutely disgusting to me. A text , card or even bloody email or social media message even would be something . The fact she wasn’t absolutely mortified when she saw you today is even weirder . Are they the most emotionally unintelligent bunch of people ever? How mean and weird that they all behaved in the same way. I would not want these people anywhere near me , just due to the sheer lack of emotional intelligence. Let’s hope they never need support because what they are putting out in the world is selfish and bizarre. A good wake up call though, and sadly these big life events really show who your people are . When I got divorced people rallied around me, and my friends were like soldiers by my side. My friend got divorced and eve her own sister backed off. People are different, but there are also basic social graces and just plain manners. How could none of the wonder how you are? Like you id probably want some understanding of what they thought, but more from a psychological perspective, how can people be so cruel and cold. I don’t think you’ll get any semblance of anything useful. They sound like twats and please do not waste any more time on coffees with these fools.

I'm so sorry OP, but I don't agree with you, I think they are horrible people. What they did is unforgivable. You are well rid, onwards and upwards for you. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband.

Guilt and shame will be the real reasons why they didn’t get in contact (for being away on a secret holiday and not doing the right thing by being honest with you).

None of them are likely to admit to that though so it’s all better left unsaid.

so pleased you’re doing well x

It all sounds odd. All I can think is that maybe they never were good friends in the first place. Maybe because you hung out wiyh them for so msny yeaes, you asdumed they were good friends but really they were always like that ?

It is horribly hurtful, and yet terribly common behaviour around widows. For widowers, not so much, then the casseroles, etc, come out in force.

I think it's some primitive thing where they think it will upset the social balance of the couples group, and the wives also seem to worry you will make a play for their ghastly husband, or him for you (as they often do). Not that anyone would ever admit that.

So did none of them attend his funeral at all?

I would say (but only if I could do so calmly). This might make them think more carefully about how they treat people in the future.
Might not, true, but I do see that you have anything to lose.

I had a friend for years and years and initially thought the sun shone out of his ears. It was only after I'd known him about 20 years and had letters and emails from him talking about the things going on in his life that I realised he wasn't a nice person at all. Not at all who I thought he was. Point being, you can never really know people unlwss you actually live with them day in day out. And even then you can get nasty surprises.

The PPs who said we're crap at dealing with death are right - but also a surprising number of people are fair-weather friends. So as a couple, you were great to socialise with, but once one of you was ill, and once you were a widow, it changed the whole vibe of the group.
They liked the whole 'social' thing with you - until you brought home some inconvenient truths about illness or death to them. I don't think you should even take it personally - I expect if this had happened to one of the other couples, they would have acted exactly the same way to them.
They weren't real friends - and I'm glad to hear you have some great friends now. They treated you very badly and I'm sure they had a few 'soul-searching' conversations about it, and how really it was in your best interests that they kept the holiday from you etc etc - but it really is true what they say about people crossing the street to avoid a bereaved person... some people find it too difficult to cope with.

I’d say something if I saw her again - it doesn’t have to be some huge confrontation, simply a “you guys just vanished when DH died, what happened there?”. At best I’d want the truth, at worst I’d want them to know how upsetting it was. Her reaction would dictate mine.

I wouldn't have asked her for a coffee at all given you still have such strong feelings about the situation.

People are allowed not to want to be around you, for any reason or none, even when we are experiencing grief and loss. We can guess why people do what they do, but mind reading is almost never accurate.

I suppose if you feel that you rose above something the coffee session had some value. I am sure from her point of view it was just "Oh, haven't seen you in years, nice to catch up", and I doubt any of them would think they did anything that you needed to rise above or have given it much thought over the years, but have simply gone on with their lives.

Going on holiday and not inviting people you don't want to go on holiday with is normal and fine. Not cancelling the holiday and choosing not to rub your face in it after you experienced such a loss, plus making sure they got back in time for the funeral was thoughtful.

They obviously didn't consider you to be as close a friend as you considered them to be and I can see you were hurt by them not acting like family. But they weren't and are not family. It's a mistake to expect the support of family from people who are unrelated to you.

Of course I wouldn't tell her - she didn't care much then and she will care less now and will probably think you're a bit batshit tbh going on about a holiday you weren't invited to five years ago and how you think they should have behaved (unclear but obviously you had expectations they weren't able to, or didn't want to, fulfil).

You might manage to guilt her into stammering some sort of confused explanation or insincere apology, or she might just look at you in a puzzled fashion and ask what you are talking about, or she might flatly tell you she didn't owe you whatever you thought she owed you. I don't think any such conversation will end well, but I do think it is time to stop ruminating about people making choices you were unhappy about, five years ago. And as they had arranged to go on a holiday without you anyway, obviously they weren't as close to you as you thought they were.

I would imagine she will chat to other people if you do take her to task over her fairly ordinary choices, and will tell other people that you are still fixated on not being invited to a holiday and that you had huge expectations of them, and that they feel a bit sorry for you, that will most likely be the only real outcome.

If you have not had grief counselling, I think you should organise that. Ordinary people going about their lives have neither the skills nor necessarily the desire to counsel you or support you in grief, and shouldn't be expected to unless they are immediate family. Some do make that choice, many do not and it is very standard for those who have lost loved ones to feel isolated as people peel away because they are not family and do not want to deal with the complexities and pain of grieving - and they don't have to. It might not be nice, but it is very normal.

It's probably just time to move on from ruminating upon the fact that some people you once knew chose to go on a holiday without you while you were grieving, made it to the funeral but didn't behave like family (because they're not) as I am quite sure they are simply living their lives and don't think about it much, if at all.

My colleague’s husband died and they had been in a similar friends group (I was also aware of the group through a mutual friend from an evening class) The mutual friend said they all felt too awkward having a singleton in their group so decided to distance to keep the dynamic. It was so unfair on my colleague who had no interest in altering their dynamic or their husbands but that was the angle the couples took. The poor woman was demonised, albeit behind her back. It was so unfair of them but it eventually allowed her to see the real people they were and it made me see the kind of peoole they were too.

You did a brave and kind thing by offering a coffee OP but I’d walk away now. Their dynamic is stale and you have a whole new life.

If you really need to I’d send a text
I was sad that our friendship drifted lovely to catch up

lets her know how you feel but not particularly having a go

but in all honesty I’d leave it and as you say it’s taken the awkwardness out of it

people often get it wrong in situations like this not maliciously just the wrong call

They were fair weather friends, and your disappointment is rooted in your not having known that for 10 years. If one of the six of them were to fall gravely ill, or pass, what do you think the reaction of the other 5 would be?

Some people are like this because they don’t do complicated relationships, or have such complex lives already that all they can handle is good times from outsiders.

I don’t think their actions have anything to do with you, they’re all about these six people not being who you thought they were. I would focus on letting go of what you think you had, and reframing the ex-friendships. It might help you leave them in your past.

I'm going against the grain here, but I would tell them. It would make you feel better, if nothing else, watching her squirm.