Would you tell former friend or let bygones be bygones.

[Scruffysquirrels]

5 years ago when DH died I felt badly let down by our "couples" friendship group. I posted about it at the time if it sounds familiar.

This was a group of 4 couples, including us, who had done loads together, practically every weekend, over a period of c.10 years.

They'd been quite good to us during DH's illness, although it was lockdown so we didn't see that much of them. I subsequently found out they'd continued to meet up regularly without including me/us (group of 6 so difficult, but it still hurt)

Then when DH died they were full of "what can we do", then completely disappeared. No contact at all in the week before his funeral. I later found out that was because they'd gone on a secret holiday together. It was definitely secret because these are people who usually post loads on SM and didn't.

They did make the funeral but got back late the night before and didn't "have time" to make the cakes they'd promised. ETA they never told me the holiday was the reason for the lack of time. I only know because a mutual aquaintanmce told me where they were.

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't so bad, coming out of lockdown, everyone was doing what the needed to to stay sane, but at the time, realising the people I (and DH) thought would be there for me in my darkest times weren't going to be was very hard to take.

I probably withdrew a bit, but it wasnt only me, it's not like I was ignoring their attempts to get in touch.

We've had barely any contact since. I've built a new life, with new friends and am doing well. We're occasionally at the same events and I do my best to stay away from them. Will say a polite hello if the situation requires it, but no more. They don't make any effort either.

I bumped into the woman who was my "best" friend, and the one who hurt me most, at an exercise class this morning. Maybe because of the time elapsed or maybe because of the exercise high, I asked her if she had time for a coffee after. To give her her due, she said yes, even though she did have plans.

So we had 40 mins perfectly pleasant catch up on a very superficial level, a bit of (good natured) gossip about mutual aquaintances and what our adult DC are up to.

I don't suppose we'll ever be friends again, but it was good not to feel the need to avoid her.

Would you tell her how badly you were hurt?

We are useless around death in this country. Your new status as a widow unsettled them. I would give the opposite advice to others. I would express my feelings in a calm manner. They are no longer friends and what does it matter if they are made to squirm. It will eat away at you if you don’t.

@Scruffysquirrels If you got some sort of closure from it then it was worth it. But for what it's worth, I don't think they're worth your time.

They should have checked in on you, of course they should. I obviously don’t know why they didn’t mention the holiday, maybe they didn’t want to upset you, make you feel left out if you were unable to go, only they know that. It is hard when someone dies and maybe it changed the dynamics of the group but it is sad when that happens, it’s not like you had a fall out

I did just say of course they should have checked in on OP!
It’s not about trying to make Op doubt herself, it’s about having a conversation to try help find some reason as to why things went the way they did.

There's nothing like death or serious illness to rattle seemingly sound friendships.

I've seen people cross the street to avoid my, then ill, wife. Others who will skirt round a conversation.

Others are brilliant.

You probably did hide away somewhat - understandably.

Did they go away on holiday by themselves to so as not upset you, too embarrassed to ask you, felt you wouldn't fit in, didn't want a grieving widow, felt it was 'too soon'?

Who knows - they probably don't. Maybe aspects of all of these?

Would I mention it - probably not. It probably wouldn't serve any useful purpose.

Might I make a sarky comment - possibly if my tongue got the better of me in the wrong situation.

Will you learn from this - I suspect you won't treat a new widow like shit.

Hope you're ok.

ps DW ok now. 20years clear of BC.

She didn’t and doesn’t deserve your company for a pleasant chat with coffee.

It was 100% on them to make a connection with you and they didn’t. Too late now. And I hope she finds a new class elsewhere and leaves you in peace.

She/they behaved appallingly - she has shown herself to be more concerned with group dynamics than being a true friend, and you are well shot of them. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I don't buy this 'we don't know how to deal with grief here' excuse - it's a lie. It takes nothing more than kindness and a bit of common sense to know that you don't ditch your friends after they lose someone dear to them, and if you're really and truly stuck then we have a wonderful thing called Google now - you can type in 'how can I support my friend whose husband has recently passed away' and it will give you loads of really helpful advice.

Not necessarily. I'm an introvert, and when I'm grieving the last thing I have energy for is people checking in on me - it's a demand that drains me.

If dh died I would want to hear nothing of anyone other than the dc, and possibly my sister. I would get back in touch when I was good and ready.

Different people are different.

The OP hasn't said anything about not wanting to be contacted though - and presumably would be able to tell her close friends that, or they would know her well enough to know she just wanted to be left alone (which from her posts, she didn't). Good friends don't (or shouldn't) just take it upon themselves to ignore a friend during a major bereavement unless they are absolutely sure that's what the person wants.

I'm an introvert, yet I still appreciate knowing people are thinking of me if something bad happens (breast cancer and DM dying suddenly in my case). We're all different, so I ere on the side of a quick text being better than nothing.

@Scruffysquirrels i think you’ve done exactly the right thing in seeing her on a superficial level. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed or uncomfortable about, if you just park her in Acquaintance Zone, she’ll get the message somehow and you won’t feel uncomfortable if you bump into her again.

who knows, maybe she will have felt awkward today and may bugger off to another gym.

keep her deliberately at arms length, for your own sake, let go of all the resentment, you’ve done nothing wrong.

I wouldn't tell her. They took the easy road - they didn't want to deal with the difficulties of involving you so they've justified it to themselves in some crap way.

They were not good friends, it turns out. So incredibly hurtful, but i would be polite and nothing more

I know, I know. But I'd been close to these people individually and as a group for 10 years. They're not horrible people. I'd be interested to know what they think happened.

It’s incredibly hurtful. My brother died in a car accident. After the initial period of mourning people I thought were very good friends distanced themselves. My grief was boring and inconvenient. Not only that these ‘friends’ spread hurtful gossip about me. I did confront one of them and I’m glad I did. I wish I had confronted the other. I know our situations are different. Good luck to you. I wish you every happiness in the future. X

No

Totally understand as unfortunately in the same position. I have ruminated about why ‘friends’ and even family run for the hills when I became a widow. All the platitudes were made but never fulfilled. Unfortunately this is extremely common for widows.
Life is too short. You have new friends. Throw your energy into them and making the best of the things as they are.

I think when something terrible happens in your life, you find out who your friends are. When my sister died, some of my parents friends were incredible and supportive and some crossed the street to avoid them.

I don't see any benefit in confronting them - they know that they haven't been good friends to you and they would likely just be defensive. I would let it go and be proud of yourself that you've made new friends and are moving ahead with your own life. I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

Your grief and pain didnt matter. Doubt your words would tbh

Unless she wants to properly reconnect i wouldnt bother

Sorry for your loss

There’s absolutely no excuse.

I think the problem here is you’re judging them by your own standards.

The plain fact is that selfish people who can treat you so utterly shoddily at your darkest hour will never tell you the truth, out of shame. All you will get is some form of bullshit.

Keep this woman at arms length in future she doesn’t deserve your friendship and fairness.

Stick to people who are worthy of you 💐

Very sad and hurtful for you - you were very generous asking one to join you for coffee.
I wouldn’t have done although I would have told her how upsetting it was to be let down by them all - they should feel ashamed.

But you would supposedlly tell your friends this? OP didn't so they could have tried. I always ask if a friend prefers that I check in regularly or wants to be the one to reach out when she feels up to it when a friend is ill/grieving. That way I know how to behave in a way that will be supportive. OPs friends were shit- they didn't want to make an effort because now she was single so didn't match with the couple-friendships.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to say how they made you feel. I would be worried that it may bring up emotions and hurt all over again though. Are you prepared for that?

Have you always felt like you need answers, or has it brought it up again bumping into your former friend?

Who would you approach? Your former 'best' friend? The whole group? How would you contact them and what would you say (just wondering if you've planned what you would like to say)?

Poor behaviour on their part, but personally I wouldn't say anything. I doubt they have decency to feel bad about their behaviour

They all sound like total bastards. I'm surprised you wanted a coffee with her tbh

Unfortunately op not everyone can deal with death and the grief afterwards it could be anything but I think that you have moved on and these people were not good friends when it mattered most so just smile say hi then leave. Op you don’t owe them anything but you won’t get closure either. People just avoid sadness and losing your dh you lost a bit of yourself and these people didn’t care enough they will probably say there were giving you space to grieve then life moved on but they were already moving on without you. Op yes it hurts but nothing would be the same again with them.