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Original poster

Would you tell former friend or let bygones be bygones.

111 replies

Scruffysquirrels · 31/03/2026 13:22

5 years ago when DH died I felt badly let down by our "couples" friendship group. I posted about it at the time if it sounds familiar.

This was a group of 4 couples, including us, who had done loads together, practically every weekend, over a period of c.10 years.

They'd been quite good to us during DH's illness, although it was lockdown so we didn't see that much of them. I subsequently found out they'd continued to meet up regularly without including me/us (group of 6 so difficult, but it still hurt)

Then when DH died they were full of "what can we do", then completely disappeared. No contact at all in the week before his funeral. I later found out that was because they'd gone on a secret holiday together. It was definitely secret because these are people who usually post loads on SM and didn't.

They did make the funeral but got back late the night before and didn't "have time" to make the cakes they'd promised. ETA they never told me the holiday was the reason for the lack of time. I only know because a mutual aquaintanmce told me where they were.

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't so bad, coming out of lockdown, everyone was doing what the needed to to stay sane, but at the time, realising the people I (and DH) thought would be there for me in my darkest times weren't going to be was very hard to take.

I probably withdrew a bit, but it wasnt only me, it's not like I was ignoring their attempts to get in touch.

We've had barely any contact since. I've built a new life, with new friends and am doing well. We're occasionally at the same events and I do my best to stay away from them. Will say a polite hello if the situation requires it, but no more. They don't make any effort either.

I bumped into the woman who was my "best" friend, and the one who hurt me most, at an exercise class this morning. Maybe because of the time elapsed or maybe because of the exercise high, I asked her if she had time for a coffee after. To give her her due, she said yes, even though she did have plans.

So we had 40 mins perfectly pleasant catch up on a very superficial level, a bit of (good natured) gossip about mutual aquaintances and what our adult DC are up to.

I don't suppose we'll ever be friends again, but it was good not to feel the need to avoid her.

Would you tell her how badly you were hurt?

OP posts:
HoppityBun · 02/04/2026 20:42

TheNorns · 01/04/2026 23:38

Some of these responses are silly. Brits are dreadful around bereavement. The people claiming they would have behaved entirely differently are deluding themselves, in at least some cases.

Oh please stop with these tired national generalisations. You know that “the British“ means English, Welsh, Scottish and northern Irish? You really think that all those four nations behave in the way you’re suggesting? Or you do just generalise about the English?

Nobody I know would’ve behaved like this and we certainly aren’t awkward about death. My friends and I are nothing unusual; yet we talk quite openly about our own deaths and about the expected deaths of our parents, about friends who have died or are terminally ill and about how we’re going to deal with it all. In fact, assisted dying is something that we’re all very interested in. And I don’t just mean people who are getting older, it’s people of all ages. Nor do we all wear bowler hats, carry umbrellas and have a stiff upper lip.

SirChenjins · 02/04/2026 20:52

HoppityBun · 02/04/2026 20:42

Oh please stop with these tired national generalisations. You know that “the British“ means English, Welsh, Scottish and northern Irish? You really think that all those four nations behave in the way you’re suggesting? Or you do just generalise about the English?

Nobody I know would’ve behaved like this and we certainly aren’t awkward about death. My friends and I are nothing unusual; yet we talk quite openly about our own deaths and about the expected deaths of our parents, about friends who have died or are terminally ill and about how we’re going to deal with it all. In fact, assisted dying is something that we’re all very interested in. And I don’t just mean people who are getting older, it’s people of all ages. Nor do we all wear bowler hats, carry umbrellas and have a stiff upper lip.

Show quote history

Agree with those. Brits are not a homogeneous mass, and excusing these 'friends' appalling behaviour in this way is ridiculous.

gettingwhere · 02/04/2026 21:28

Eggandspoonrace2 · 02/04/2026 01:52

I wouldn't have asked her for a coffee at all given you still have such strong feelings about the situation.

People are allowed not to want to be around you, for any reason or none, even when we are experiencing grief and loss. We can guess why people do what they do, but mind reading is almost never accurate.

I suppose if you feel that you rose above something the coffee session had some value. I am sure from her point of view it was just "Oh, haven't seen you in years, nice to catch up", and I doubt any of them would think they did anything that you needed to rise above or have given it much thought over the years, but have simply gone on with their lives.

Going on holiday and not inviting people you don't want to go on holiday with is normal and fine. Not cancelling the holiday and choosing not to rub your face in it after you experienced such a loss, plus making sure they got back in time for the funeral was thoughtful.

They obviously didn't consider you to be as close a friend as you considered them to be and I can see you were hurt by them not acting like family. But they weren't and are not family. It's a mistake to expect the support of family from people who are unrelated to you.

Of course I wouldn't tell her - she didn't care much then and she will care less now and will probably think you're a bit batshit tbh going on about a holiday you weren't invited to five years ago and how you think they should have behaved (unclear but obviously you had expectations they weren't able to, or didn't want to, fulfil).

You might manage to guilt her into stammering some sort of confused explanation or insincere apology, or she might just look at you in a puzzled fashion and ask what you are talking about, or she might flatly tell you she didn't owe you whatever you thought she owed you. I don't think any such conversation will end well, but I do think it is time to stop ruminating about people making choices you were unhappy about, five years ago. And as they had arranged to go on a holiday without you anyway, obviously they weren't as close to you as you thought they were.

I would imagine she will chat to other people if you do take her to task over her fairly ordinary choices, and will tell other people that you are still fixated on not being invited to a holiday and that you had huge expectations of them, and that they feel a bit sorry for you, that will most likely be the only real outcome.

If you have not had grief counselling, I think you should organise that. Ordinary people going about their lives have neither the skills nor necessarily the desire to counsel you or support you in grief, and shouldn't be expected to unless they are immediate family. Some do make that choice, many do not and it is very standard for those who have lost loved ones to feel isolated as people peel away because they are not family and do not want to deal with the complexities and pain of grieving - and they don't have to. It might not be nice, but it is very normal.

It's probably just time to move on from ruminating upon the fact that some people you once knew chose to go on a holiday without you while you were grieving, made it to the funeral but didn't behave like family (because they're not) as I am quite sure they are simply living their lives and don't think about it much, if at all.

Edited

this is true, you gather people as ‘friends’ over the years, who are not really friends in any meaningful sense, just people you do things with. And it’s not until the shit hits the fan that you realise this.

I had similar when my child was ill for a few years. People I thought were my closest friends dropped me. I try to think of them now as ‘people I used to do stuff with, when we both wanted to do that stuff and were able.’ It was transactional. It is what it is, and I had to move on from it.

but in my experience puzzling over these things, as though you will one day have the revelation that moves you on- that wont happen. I tend to overthink and have had to become disciplined with that so that I don’t wallow and ruminate, trying to ‘solve’ things but really just making myself feel worse. So I would be trying to avoid both seeing and thinking about her/them. But that’s just me.

Sorry for everyone that’s had similar.

Ilmiocompleanno · 02/04/2026 22:34

I think there have been lots of very perceptive comments on this thread. I think most people are much more transactional about friendships than we like to acknowledge, and will move on pretty quickly from a friendship if they feel that the cost/benefit analysis of the friendship is no longer in their favour. Of course some people are very loyal to their friends and wouldn't dream of walking away when things get tough. When two people in the "loyal" category make friends with each other, it can result in a really strong friendship that can withstand tough times. The trouble is that when people in the "loyal" camp make friends with people in the "transactional" camp, it can lead to a huge amount of upset when loyal friend gets dropped like a stone by transactional friend when loyal friend is the one in need of more support, particularly if loyal friend has been very supportive during transactional friend's tough times.

OP, I'm sorry that you have been through such a tough time. I think that if you confront your former friends now, you are highly unlikely to get a response that you consider satisfactory, and it might end up causing more hurt to you.

TurnipsAndParsnips · 02/04/2026 22:45

Exactly the same thing happened to my Mum. One of the friends drifted back after her husband died, and she never heard from the rest again. These were such close friends - holidays together, weekend barbecues, off on someone’s boat for a week. One came to my Mum’s funeral 25 years later, and said “I don’t know why your Mum drifted away from us all, we never heard from her again after your Dad died.” I said “Because you never contacted her. No-one even asked her out for a coffee or over for a drink. It was like she ceased to exist for all of you.” (This woman lived three doors down from my Mum.)

Readytoescape · 02/04/2026 22:56

I guess by going for coffee you can politely chat in passing next time. I don’t think it was on you to bring up how you felt. If ex best friend was decent she would have apologised. Well done op for moving on and making new friends as that is not always easy.

canuckup · 03/04/2026 01:53

It's sad but people only care about themselves

T1Dmama · 03/04/2026 23:38

Scruffysquirrels · 31/03/2026 13:22

5 years ago when DH died I felt badly let down by our "couples" friendship group. I posted about it at the time if it sounds familiar.

This was a group of 4 couples, including us, who had done loads together, practically every weekend, over a period of c.10 years.

They'd been quite good to us during DH's illness, although it was lockdown so we didn't see that much of them. I subsequently found out they'd continued to meet up regularly without including me/us (group of 6 so difficult, but it still hurt)

Then when DH died they were full of "what can we do", then completely disappeared. No contact at all in the week before his funeral. I later found out that was because they'd gone on a secret holiday together. It was definitely secret because these are people who usually post loads on SM and didn't.

They did make the funeral but got back late the night before and didn't "have time" to make the cakes they'd promised. ETA they never told me the holiday was the reason for the lack of time. I only know because a mutual aquaintanmce told me where they were.

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't so bad, coming out of lockdown, everyone was doing what the needed to to stay sane, but at the time, realising the people I (and DH) thought would be there for me in my darkest times weren't going to be was very hard to take.

I probably withdrew a bit, but it wasnt only me, it's not like I was ignoring their attempts to get in touch.

We've had barely any contact since. I've built a new life, with new friends and am doing well. We're occasionally at the same events and I do my best to stay away from them. Will say a polite hello if the situation requires it, but no more. They don't make any effort either.

I bumped into the woman who was my "best" friend, and the one who hurt me most, at an exercise class this morning. Maybe because of the time elapsed or maybe because of the exercise high, I asked her if she had time for a coffee after. To give her her due, she said yes, even though she did have plans.

So we had 40 mins perfectly pleasant catch up on a very superficial level, a bit of (good natured) gossip about mutual aquaintances and what our adult DC are up to.

I don't suppose we'll ever be friends again, but it was good not to feel the need to avoid her.

Would you tell her how badly you were hurt?

I remember your post! You are a better person than me .. I wouldn’t have pissed on her if she was on fire. Going for a coffee with her - wow you’re a legend !

PussInBin20 · 04/04/2026 02:45

I think I would say it. I mean what have you got to lose? You already know they are shitty friends so I doubt they can say anything to hurt you more.

If it makes you feel better then I’d do it. I would ask how would they feel if it happened to them?

cornflakecrunchie · 08/04/2026 14:46

Being widowed changes your address book..

Chetchy · 08/04/2026 14:55

cornflakecrunchie · 08/04/2026 14:46

Being widowed changes your address book..

Agreed.
Thats why I see so many of my friends more interested in their girlfriends than couple friends in their 60's.

I don't cook for our couple friends, only my girlfriends!
We go out to eat with couple friends but I have a lovely bunch of girls and we invariably do special meals for each other because we all love our food and so appreciate the effort.

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