Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

After reading all.your posts, I dont think YABU. Just in need of proper rest and a H who takes proper ownership.

It's a start, it's not perfect, but it's a start. I'd go, find something palatable, don't complain about it, find something nice to say. I'd even thank him for booking somewhere, then when you're home just say I had a really lovely time tonight, I'd like to do this more often, why don't we have a look for new places to try? Seems simple, but when you're stuck in a rut it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

If he knows you liked it there before and he has booked it based on that fact - its a reasonable first step. He may be worried he will get it wrong - which will also cause you to respond. I would go, find something on the menu you like and have a good night.

Let him do this!

If you’re already checked out, why bother going at all? You’re wasting money on therapy (and food)

This is probably why he never books anything because if he does you complain about it! Honestly if you were my wife after this the only thing I'd be booking is an appointment with a divorce lawyer

It’s published online, and I’m far from fussy just not a fan of duck or venison.

I am I’ve been told, and I’m going to enjoy everything for what it is, aside for eating duck 🦆

Thank God I posted in chat and not AIBU, can you imagine.

@Waterbaby41 to be fair I don’t moan or complain and maybe that’s also a bit part of the issues we have as I very much just get on with it. But behind the smiles the resentment has built up.

They’ve changed the entire menu since you were last there to duck and venison only?

Have you actually read the op to know what the context is?

She suggested he took the lead more and for starters involved me in conversations, so the example was holidays, to say look I’ve done all this research down to 3 options which would you prefer, which takes the work away from me but means we decide as a team. And then he goes ahead and books it all with confidence.

Without getting caught up in details its seasonal and the menus change, there is fish on the menu as well, but some months pork belly, chicken, others it’s steak and duck etc.. so the meaty dishes switch up.

I get it OP. I am the organiser in my relationship and like you, if I didn’t do it, we wouldn’t do anything or go anywhere.

However, I simply don’t trust my DH to do it either. He just wouldn’t think of the essentials or think about what our DD would like/need. (Yes I think he is a bit selfish), but he has other qualities that he brings to the relationship so it’s all about compromise.

I do genuinely think that women are better at this stuff as we care about it more but it is frustrating.

I guess the question for you is does he bring other qualities to the relationship? Everyone has their strengths/weaknesses.

I think that he has let you down too many times in lots of ways that have caused you to just instantly find the negative in anything he does. This is a consequence of his own appalling behaviour, I don't feel sorry for him at all and agree his latest effort is low and poor, I'm unsurprised at your reaction.

Despire what you've been told you also have to want to make it work.
It sounds pretty much that you're just going through the motions inorder to say you tried.

Stop wasting money and your DH's time and just call it a day.

If I needed to book a restaurant for a difficult interpersonal occasion (a business dinner, lunch with in-laws whose company I didn't enjoy, a meal to attempt to save a failing marriage) there isn't a chance I'd book a new place. Too many unknowns, too much worry over what it'd be like, and if it's bad then the whole meal is sunk. A tried and tested old favourite is the obvious choice for this kind of dinner. And somewhere I'd chosen myself 6-7 times is surely not a place that's suddenly offensive if someone else chooses it.

The only way to guarantee your number one choice is to book it yourself. If someone else takes the lead you may have to be happy with maybe your sixth or seventh choice, but that's not something to take as an insult.

But this is his decision op. You can’t say he more decisive as long as you read my mind and the decision you make is something I wish to do. Otherwise I’m going to say you’ve gpt it wrong.

if you want him to be decisive then part of thay is accepting his decisions.

be careful what you wish for.

Stop putting the poor man through the mill & end the relationship for gods sake.

he has gone to the counselling, engaged, tried to carry out the action & yes he picked somewhere you have been a lot (so he had the safety of knowing it would be a good pick & you would like it). Yet here you are absolutely shitting on him making an effort & he is still in the wrong.

not because he is wrong, but because you don’t like him. This is a really appalling way to treat someone. I don’t even want to know more details because from what you are saying you are borderline abusive to this man & I think anything else will confirm that.

you have taken the lead cos he laid back & you are controlling, then when he does try its still not good enough

poor man

"For context we are in marriage counselling" - stop right there. Life is short, find someone who doesn't bring you to this point. Sounds like you've deserved better from the beginning.

Oh that’s harsh and really uncalled for. I’m not sure I’d be bang up for making decisions if when I did I was told it was wrong.

generally when a marriage breaks down it is both parties fault, no matter how much we like to pretend it’s always the man’s on here.

and the op is proving that.

I agree it is very frustrating, and exhausting, to be the only organiser, but I do think the reason that so often falls to women is becuase we like to have things our way.

After DH died I started going on trips with friends and it was lovely not to be the organiser sometimes, to be able to just turn up with my passport, but on those trips I very much went with the flow, ate where the group wanted to, did the activities someone else had organised, even when they were things I really didn't fancy. It was fun to try something I might not have chosen. It did strike me that it was completely different to my relationship with DH, where I'd complain that he didn't organise anything, but I'd also complain if he organised something I didn't fancy.

I think on this occasion OP, you need to be honest about whether you wanted DH to "succeed" or whether, subconsciously at least, you're glad to be able to think "see I told you it wouldn't work/he couldn't do it".

So Op there are at least two things you have identified in this thread which you can work on - and I say this not to pick at you, but because actually our mistakes in relationships are the easiest for us to fix.

First: don't do everything yourself because you like it how you like it, then blame him for not taking the lead. (I, too, am guilty of this with household chores. I like them done a certain way, so keep leaping in and saying "here give it to me." then feel resentful they are all sitting on the sofa while I do it.)

Second: you need to learn a way of communicating that doesn't ignite an argument but at least lets him know what you are really feeling behind the smiles. Bad communication is usually at the heart of a poor relationship, and it does sound as though you are communicating poorly.

@Calliopespai agree but I’m met with defensive behaviour if I so much as raise a point or opinion that’s not in line with his, so I gave up trying to express how I’m feeling he takes it as an attack.

I tend to agree.