Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

I understand you, OP.

you’ve fallen out of love with him, and was hoping that he might suddenly reverse the inevitable by becoming the person that you want and need.

his actions by this first ‘test’ could have potentially led to that, but they haven’t. you’re not feeling pissed off that he hasn’t magically picked the right restaurant - you’re feeling sad, hollow and disappointed at the realisation that your marriage might never be what you need it to be.

You have booked the same restaurant 6 or 7 times , so you are a creature of habit .

I seriously don't understand why you're annoyed that he has chosen the same one - he knows you like it and presumably that's why he chose it, he wrongly thought you'd be pleased .

This isn't a man that deserves sympathy, he has been using op to facilitate his own life at a cost to her in the form of burnout.
He is lazy and incompetent, he deserves a divorce not to labour dig op anymore.

Oh the poor man, poor him, fuck off with that shite makes me sick.

@Sensiblesal I think calling me abusive on the basis of a few paragraphs is a bit extreme tbh, if you’ve read my reply’s I’m open minded to take on board comments but that’s just taking it a bit far, so I’m afraid I totally disagree with you.

Over 10+ years!

@reversegear You might find it useful to start a new thread, with a broader range of issues, not just focused on the restaurant.

Are you going to do the 'homework' the counsellor has set? Is it something you can do by yourself, or are you supposed to do it together?
If it is something you do by yourself, it will be interesting to see if when you arrive at the next session you have done yours and he has failed to do his.

I have every sympathy. I am married ( for the moment) to a man like this.
it's not normal never to organise anything and leave it to someone else. It's not a partnership. It eats away at you. Does he recognise this? Does he want to change? If he does he should be going to individual counselling so that the emphasis isn't that he is doing it to please you. If he doesn't want help and understands that his marrriage will fail because of it , then you know it's over.
I could just imagine DH doing a half arse job if he was set a task like this - so that he wouldn't be asked to do it again but would be able to blame me.

Go back and read your posts as if your daughter or mother had written them about their partner/your dad & then come back and say that again.

I said borderline but based on your response I think I hit a nail on the head

It sounds like there are a lot of things wrong in your marriage, but this particular issue is not one to die in a ditch over.

He didnt renew the house insurance when he was supposed to doesn't Mot the car etc. Come on that is incredibly irresponsible for a fully functioning adult and I defy anyobe to not find that irritating.

Sorry, but in a world where many of us now struggle to afford a basic chippy tea, you just come across as a princessy taker.

Supposed to do it together, I’m on the relationship boards and did post a while ago and had some fab advice. I’m pretty use to the way threads go there will be a flurry of posters who haven’t read the whole thread along shortly to tell me I’m a mad crazy lady, and my poor DH - so I’ll just say thanks for all the amazing advice I’ve had, giving me a way to see things from all perspectives on this one event is helpful.

This. 100%.

That’s a you problem I’m afraid. This isn’t a flex on restaurants, and eating out and you have zero idea of my financial situation. And who said he was paying?

I don't really think you would want this. You would always be thinking you would have done something differently, gone somewhere else. I'm the same. I'm the planner in our marriage. I used to love it and then I decided that DH was having involvement so now, when I'm booking a holiday, for example, I ask him to come and sit and look at some hotels or locations I have shortlisted and the reviews etc. I run flight dates and times past him before I book and basically make him be involved in the process so it isn't all on me. I send him menus for restaurants and say 'What do you think?' etc. I feel so much better that it isn't all on me. He wouldn't necessarily take the initiative and just book something for us without checking but he knows I actively hate having things sprung on me so I'm glad he doesn't do that.

Fine I’ll take it onboard that I’m borderline abusive, thanks for that, really helpful to have a diagnosis.

But the first thing you do when he acts decisive like you asked, if want to tell him it’s wrong, even though it is someplace you both like, you’re angry as you feel it was the easy option.

had he booked a new place you easily could have decided that was also wrong, and if it was bad, that also would be wrong. You’re setting it up so he can’t win.

if you are done, then say you’re done, stop with the charade,

I wasn't even thinking about paying.
I was thinking of your deep annoyance at him planning "the wrong restaurant". Yes, that makes you princessy.

Oh, and his car is overdue a service and I'm not booking it in because it's his car. He is really frustrated that the car keeps telling him it is due but not frustrated enough to actually do anything about it 🤷 A few years back, I would have done it but not any more.

I don’t think she’s being a princess. I think she’s intolerant of him and looking for ways to have a go at him, I can see why he feels attacked and doesn’t want to make decisions, few would in the face of this.

But the first time he has given you that experience of having everything booked and organised for you, you don’t like his choices.

Do you want to make it work OP, if the love is gone, maybe it’s time for a clean break?

Op, I say this with kindness, I appreciate there is a backstory here, but there’s also two sides to a story. He’s done the homework from therapy, book somewhere/be decisive. I think you have to accept that people think differently and it doesn’t mean he’s put no thought into it just because it’s not exactly what you would have done. (I know lots of people aren’t like this but when I find somewhere I like I go all the time until I’m tired of it 🤦🏽‍♀️😂 - imagine living with me!) If you want to work on the marriage then work on it and don’t jump to criticism as your first reaction and have an open mind. I do also feel like you want to to be in complete control and you’re having difficulty with letting go of that.

I think if the menu has changed & there's not much you fancy you should be able to say that.

I often look online before I go somewhere to save indecision at the time!

If there's something you would like though that's OK!

In normal circumstances yes, but this is she’s complained he doesn’t make decisions, he says he feels attacked, so yes her saying she doesn’t want to go there will be perceived as a further attack and him being defensive. I’m also one hundred percent sure she’s just being difficult, she likes this restaurant, there will be things on the menu she enjoys. She just wants to tell him he’s made a mistake.

I can see where you’re coming from. He’s not a child, he must surely be capable of googling restaurants and booking it online, you shouldn’t have to be hand holding him through this. Going for the safe option seems very lazy. I wouldn’t say anything for this first outing, but he needs to be more creative next time or I would say something (after, not before the next time so you can see where his natural thought processes are heading).