Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

I don’t think it’s likely that at this point he will behave like an adult partner. If he’s been a ‘manchild’ since having DC and you’ve been swallowing the shit sandwich for those years.

If he wanted to be a good partner and father be would have and could have.

You sound guilty about wanting out of the marriage. It sounds like in your mind you have given him many chances already

Money on counselling, meals etc seems a waste.

When you eventually split, the manner of it happening isn’t likely to make a difference to how he treats you (and the DC) afterwards.

He's trying. Complaining about his efforts is very counterproductive.

Over the years we have been about 6-7 times it’s great for special family events, so a birthday or anniversary. it’s a beautiful historic building for visiting friends.

Just go and don’t say anything - it’s a fist step.

To be fair I haven’t dismissed anyone’s opinions I’ve taken them all on board and yours included is exactly how I’ll approach this. So I’m appreciative of everyone’s time, even the ones who tell me I’m a controlling arsehole.

he will do it for 3 months then just drops all the balls and I find out our house isn’t insured or the cars aren’t MOTd etc. It’s just non stop.

This is what the "poor DH, he's trying his best and it's still not good enough for her" contingent on this thread don't understand.
It's utterly exhausting when your partner leaves everything to you. It isn't you being controlling, it's you doing all of it because he just doesn't, and someone has to.

I very often take timeout alone and always have.

Im away in 2 weeks alone. I’ve never gone away in anger saying “I’m going to show you etc” I just go away for my headspace and to get away for the non stop decisions.

No way!! What will you do about your own situation, you must be reading this and thinking we are the same person.

In our case the insurance was the same situation if this place went up in flames we’d be so screwed and that level of incompetence is why I’m a controlling person sometimes its for everyone’s safety.

I think you should go and not say anything negative. He probably chose that because he thinks you like it and may well have considered others but is unsure whether you would enjoy it as much so has gone for the safe option.
There must be other reasons why your marriage isn't working though, as that doesn't seem like a reason in itself. Some people are indecisive - my son has always been like that and probably always will be - he's only a teenager but he doesn't like making decisions that include other people.

@Mudgarden thank you for understanding.

Jesus. I’d divorce you OP.

The funny part of that is I’d have to organise it for you!

The marriage is over. You’ve already bailed out. You just seem to want to humiliate him further before you finally leave.
Really does say a great deal about your character.

Why is that a problem though? That's the person he is, you must have known him when you married him. And you are the type of person that likes to take charge and choose where to go. You can't even let him book a restaurant without moaning you dont want to go there. Sounds like you actually complement each other well. You get the restaurants, holidays you want and he is laid back enough to follow. If you wanted a partner that took the lead on everything you should have married one. You can't just expect your current DH to change personality.

I think this is the problem @reversegear , it isn’t really about this reservation is it? It’s the feeling of being taken advantage of for years will all the pressure and effort on you and then he does one tiny thing requiring the bare minimum effort and he expects to be applauded. I think you’ve now reached the zone of contempt and frankly there is no way back from there.

OK fair enough, I was referring to some of your earlier responses where you mentioned all the other selfish crap he’s put you though and us not knowing half the story. FWIW, I don’t think you’re a controlling arsehole; bearing 100% of the mental load in a relationship is exhausting and everyone deserves a partner to help carry that. Just don’t let all your frustrations stop you from seeing any green shoots if you do want this marriage to work.

OP I do admire the way you've taken the feedback and criticism on this thread on board, it's not easy when you're starting from a fixed point of view.

From reading your posts, I wonder if you're subconsciously sabotaging the situation to protect yourself - because you expect the outcome to be separation and so you're looking for

On first reading, my reflection was that you'd shifted the goalposts/increased the level of difficulty without him knowing. Booking something became booking something that met your secret criteria for success, and you were setting him up to fail from the outset.

On reading your subsequent posts I don't think that's intentional at all but objectively, the success criteria for the task have changed without him knowing it. So I do wonder if your subconscious is trying to protect you from more pain/challenge/trouble down the track by ensuring that he'll fall short of your expectations every time.

I think you know you are being unreasonable, op- you can’t complain at him wanting you to decide everything and then grump when his decision isn’t the one you’d have made. But I suspect that this is because you’re fundamentally done with it all- for him to have made the decision and for it to have been something exciting and out there, he’d be a different person. He’s not going to change so maybe steer the counselling more towards “how to end things amicably”.

@JassyRadlett that’s an interesting take, and you could be right, I do set tests for him in my head and do focus on negatives.

I think that in healthy "equal" relationships, things like planning nights out can take different forms. Some couples have lots of shared tastes, have come to love specific places/experiences from doing them together, or are both so flexible and easygoing that there are always lots of mutually satisfying choices. In that case, it would be completely normal and uncontroversial for you to say "Oh, we had terrible service at Sergio's last time, remember? Do you think it's safe to chance it or shall we try somewhere else?" without his taking any offence.

Other couples may have more divergent and stronger and narrower tastes and fall into a pattern of basically taking turns choosing. When it's someplace you wouldn't have chosen your pleasure in being with him, wanting him to be happy, and knowing he'll reciprocate can still carry you through and make it an enjoyable experience (and vice versa). In that case, you could take his choice of Sergio's as "his turn" and reason that he's often done what you want and will again - but I'd still speak up if really unhappy, like if Sergio's has recently turned into a steakhouse and you're a vegetarian. Since he's been given an "assignment" this time, I think I'd go along with his choice (unless I really hate it) and see how it goes. I'd definitely keep track of my thought and feelings about it and discuss them in counseling, though.

OTOH - it sounds like there's a lot more going on here than "just" who initiates, chooses, and plans the days and evenings out and holidays. It sounds like he's been leaving pretty much everything regarding not just the relationship and shared social life but also the household, finances, and children up to you, expecting you to delegate him specific tasks (and then sometimes dropping or mishandling those). If that's the case it's no basis for a relationship; sounds more like he's your pleasant but scatterbrained teen son than an equal life partner and coparent! Give the therapy a fair chance, but don't beat yourself up about ending it if you really can't see it working. The fact that he sometimes makes an effort to change and then backslides in a few months is probably a bad sign.

Hi Well done OP for taking this on board and reflecting on your own thought patterns. It sounds like it is a fantastic restaurant - the nicest one in your area, so although safe, it should be a lovely evening and a well-deserved treat for both of you.

It also sounds like you are at an overwhelming stage of life with young kids, elderly parents and work. This would be difficult for anyone so no wonder you are overwhelmed. Even Michelle Obama said that there were many times when the kids were small that she couldn't stand her DH.

It's hard to change dynamics, but the starting point is unhappiness with the current dynamics and recognition of both your parts in that.

I'm afraid I immediately thought this too op.

This time I'd suck it up and go.

You can't blame him for being passive and not organising when half the problem is you are unable to step back and let him without overriding him.

I’ve read the OP updates so glad the advice is being taken on board. I do understand where the OP is coming from though. When I was in a relationship 12 years ago with the father of my sons we had a similar dynamic. I made all the decisions because if I didn’t nothing would happen and we’d not do anything or go anywhere. I remember booking a Eurocamp holiday to France in the March for August and asked his opinion on various things. I got nothing back other than, ‘It’s fine. I trust your judgement’. However when we got there it was constant nit picking. Why didn’t we get the bus into Paris rather than the train because for some reason he now thought the bus was easier. Why did I book a camp site so far from Paris, wasn’t there a closer airport etc etc. I finally flipped when we arrive at our final very rural train station and he asked me where the exit was bearing in mind I’d never been there before! It really was like dealing with an extra child.

We’re still good friends despite splitting and are going on a weekend break later in the year with our sons. I had to consciously sit on my hands not to take over when he seemed to be making absolutely no plans despite it being his original idea. It was made worse by one of our sons asking me what the plans were as he needed to sort out work. He did do it eventually (after I prompted son to ask him) and no way would I criticise his choices because I know what it feels like.

Unfortunately if you criticise his choice of restaurant then he probably wouldn’t make a decision again because ‘nothing he does is write’. Tge best thing tge OP can do is gently suggest that next time she’d love to try somewhere new and if he does book something not automatically find fault. Good luck!

You should go on don’t tell the bride

If you're burned out from having to do all the thinking and decision-making and want him to take more of the load, I don't understand why anyone would suggest him choosing and booking a restaurant as a good place to start. There's baby steps and then there's this... That said, if he can't even choose a restaurant 'correctly', I'm not sure there's a point in continuing, especially if you're already feeling more or less done with him.

It sounds like he's always been this way, and people rarely change who they are on such a basic level. He has to really want it for himself, and even then it's nearly impossible to make yourself something you aren't.