Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

Does seem it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't here, because you've got him in therapy saying you want him to take the lead. We (rightly) complain about the fact men have been allowed to lead relationships throughout most of history, so men are now told to let women choose, yet then criticised for not taking the lead.
So now, they get taken to therapy and told to choose, then that's still not ok?

I would simply have said, as in all relationships, we take in in turns to choose where to go, and if the chooser picks a place the other really doesn't like, that person gives 3 other options. Seems to work for every couple I know and costs nowt in therapy bills.

So when my LTR ended, one of the things my ex said was 'it's your way or the highway' and that's really stayed with me as he was 100% right.

I am very decisive and have particular ideas of what I want at the time, and honestly I don't like 'wasting' my time on things/places/activities I don't enjoy.

I suspect I am the lead in every dynamic (relationships, family etc) because they secretly feel they can never please me. They all praise me for putting together perfect itineraries and making amazing plans, but secretly I wonder whether they just go with whatever I say as they aren't that precious, and know that I am quite precious and picky.

If you want him to plan things (do you really though?) you need to let him. It's like teaching a child a skill, praise their thought and effort, positive reinforcement, and their confidence will grow.

Another question though is, do you love and respect him?

Ultimately a person who I don't love and respect can 'never do anything right' in my eyes in a reltionship context, they can't win.

And thus I am single.

True. I was more veering toward the attitude of this was nice, let's make it a regular thing and change it up every month or so.

But agree that he'll probably take offense to pretty much anything

My dad used to do this. It was a full on power play.

Dm: Where shall we go for dinner?
Df: I don't mind, where ever you want, you know me, I'm easy to please.
Dm: I've booked X, we really liked it last time.
Df: Oh don't let's go there, let's go to Y. I think that's better.

It was entirely so.

1. He could say that he'd given dm the option
2. He controlled where they went

He only stopped it when dm called him out on it every time. They then agreed that they would take it in turns and he would choose straight off when it was his choice rather than pretend he didn't gave a preference

Is part of the problem that you're controlling because he's done his homework for the week now I suggest you do yours and stop being so grumpy

I am a bit shocked by how low so many people's standards are on here. I am also unsure about the value of this "homework".

He has done a task, when instructed. Not through any initiative, or concern to make things better or because he believes he needs to, but becasue the therapist told him to. What does that tell us and what that achieve? He can follow instructions when he wants to? He hasn't really taken any responsibility, used any particular care or initiative or imagination in his choice. He has done the absolute minmum, when told to. This doesn't change anything for the OP.

Part of taking responsibility is anticipating needs, thinking about implications and impact and considering your own intentions and what they signify. His "choice" (when instructed to make one) is the most obvious, and laziest option - it's like giving someone the same cat-themed present every year becasue they once, long ago said they liked cats. No wonder the OP feels meh about it. This is not what she does when she takes responsibility for the last however many years. After years of not even doing the tasks she has indicated he needs to do as a functioning adult in a family, fulfilling this task and in this way is pretty meaningless. Surely the more meaningful response would be to say: I would like you to trust me to chose somewhere interesting and fun, where we could share a new experience together. I am going to do some research, make a selection and we can try it and can talk about whether we like/rate it or not.

I think the therapist is misguided here or he didn't understand the instruction. It's not about him performing making a single decision, it's about genuinely taking responsibility in a long term consistent way as an adult, as a parent and as a partner.

People don't change their whole personality overnight its done in steps him picking and booking a restaurant is a step. Plus it shows he is trying.

Exactly, one step at a time.
By this time next year he'll be able to tie his own shoe laces.

"but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive"

"Omg he's booked a restaurant we've been to lots and like, but I don't fancy going there."

Seems you need to find a man who is decisive and psychic, poor bloke. I imagine he doesn't decide anything because when he does you are awkward and change whatever he's picked, so he just saves himself the bother and let's you pick. The reason he functions without you is because you are awkward.

Sounds like you have checked out anyway, it all just sounds hard work, well you do anyway.

@youalright
Very trying.

But it isn't his whole personality it's how he shows up in his marriage. And largely he doesn't. He is perfectly capable of making decisions that benefit him and meet his needs.

Goodness this is a lot of hyperbole. She said he’s indecisive. Hes decided they ar going out and booked an expensive restaurant she likes and they’ve been to a handful of times over a decade. It’s a treat to her aa they don’t often go to expensive restaurants. He also likely likes it. It isn’t lazy. If anything it’s quite thoughtful

Just go with his flow. 🤷‍♀️

Yes - in healthy, balanced relationships, couples easily negotiate everyday chores, responsibilities and choices. Couples in healthy, balanced relationships don't go to counselling on the verge of divorce.

OP says I’m met with defensive behaviour if I so much as raise a point or opinion that’s not in line with his.

So "I'm not so keen on Sergio's, how about we try this, that or the other place?" isn't going to go down too well, is it?

This, you can’t really have it both ways. This really resonates with me. My DH and I used to have the exact same dynamic, I would complain that he didn’t organise things or take me out, but over time I realised a big part of it was that I’m an absolute control freak! If he did plan something, I’d often find faults with it anyway or I will have been him on filling that weekend months ago!

It’s taken me years to recognise that about myself. Now I tend to be the one who books and organises things, and we’re both just happier with that arrangement.

That said, the rest of our marriage is good, so I imagine there’s probably more being explored in counselling than just this one issue? If not I think you maybe just need to understand the role you play in the marriage more. Your situation does remind me a lot of how I used to think, though.

Hardly surprising if op controls everything and whinges about anything he does as it's not good enough in her eyes.

In other words, let me continue in my self defined role of 'carrying the load', it seems he is only allowed to make decisions when they suit her! I wonder how many times she has taken decisions in her role as load-carrier that he hasn't been keen on?

I think ultimately you are heading for divorce. I think when you get to the stage of disengaging in the marriage/give you the ick or just feel like the switch has been turned off, it is the end.

I think you giving it one last ditch attempt at trying to save a marriage you have in truth walked away from is why his choice is wrong. Whatever he booked would have still set you on edge.

Go and enjoy the evening as much as you can but I don’t believe he will book anything again as he only booked this because it came up in your sessions and marriage counsellor told him to.
If MC hadn’t said anything do you think he would have booked and without the prompting do you think he will book again.

I think you can do the work and go through the motions but ultimately this isn’t the person you can rely on for anything. You might have grown up and realised you need to be a functioning adult but whilst you took on more and more responsibility he remained the same laid back guy which is lovely but not practical
You can be laid back and still have house insurance and a car with an mot and be able to plan and function

Be more decisive! (But only if you do what I want) sorry OP - YABU.

This is a two way process, doing everything (to some extent) has served your purposes as much as his (you get what you want, he doesn’t have to bother to do anything). The downside of him ‘taking responsibility’ is that you don’t get to decide everything.

I bet she chose the counsellor!

You sound like you really don’t like him at all, if that is the case just split up now, what is the point of the marriage counselling?

Utter rubbish! He certainly doesn't deserve to by stuck with the OP, hope he choses his own divorce lawyer or will she have to approve that decision too?

That would involve him doing something

If he hadn't done what was suggested in therapy you'd be complaining he couldn't even do that

He isn't going to change overnight. He's gone to therapy and is doing what is asked of him. It's been one flipping session.

I am really surprised with all of the backlash for this post! My partner is also passive, are we supposed to look grateful when they do the bare minimum? With prompting (from the therapist that OP booked) he makes a lame arse effort. Well done

Replied to wrong comment. Apologies