New mum friend criticised me in group setting, should I pull back?

[ttc2023AH]

I wondered if anyone had advice. I am a chronic overthinker as a caveat.

I've made a new mum friend since having my baby (11weeks) we met at nursery and since then I've introduced her to a few other mum friends on the development and I think been nothing but supportive.

We recently went to a stay and play at the nursery we both attend and in front of the staff and new mums she bought up that it was good to be at a group we can talk at unlike another group we attended last week where she believed that I (rudely) talked over the group instructor and she felt bad for her and was wishing me to stop talking.

I don't disagree with her being that up if that's how she felt but it was in the context of being in front of the staff and new mums.

I mumbled something about not realising and I felt bad if I'd made the instructor feel that way but even the nursery workers commented saying 'its all coming out now'

I'm embarrassed and upset but we aren't close friends, we aren't even really close enough for me to cause an awkward situation by bringing it up. It would just probably end the friendship because I think she'd feel defensive. I don't know whether to just massively pull back or get over it (I think they are the two options I'd rather go for)

If she's showing red flags at this early stage, that's a sign not to continue to develop a friendship

I never understand why so many women here, presumably all adults, get so upset at the slightest negativity.
Wish you would have said: I'm so surprised, and so sorry - I wish you would have spoken up at the time.

You don’t have to be friends with someone just because they happened to give birth around the same time.

I’m absolutely cringing on your behalf… 🙈🙈🙈 I hope you are joking because if not.. wow!

‘Taking charge of the group and delegating roles’ 🙈🙈🙈

I know people who do this and it’s excruciating. You are not THEIR manager. You know full well they are telling you that you have overstepped. You aren’t at work in that situation and your PA response will just confirm that you are someone you avoid in future.

Still I’m sure they have had fun coming up with nicknames for you 🤣

She doesn't sound very nice. I'd leave her be. You sound lovely and kind. Have faith in yourself.

I would avoid, as far as possible, in future.

I understand where she's coming from as I would have felt you was rude and I'd have felt bad for the instructor too. However how she's gone about it was rude and unkind. She should have addressed this with you privately, not infront of the other mums and staff. I'd ditch her as a mate.

Not in front of other people they don’t.

OP, she’s a twat. And the others in the group who heard that will also think she’s a twat. She deliberately tried to put you down and embarrass you in public, that’s not nice. I would distance myself from her, but not from the group. They will be on your side, believe me.

I’m here for the drip feed.

Ditch her now. Not a friend. She’s nasty and showing her mean bitch behaviour. tell her just to fuck off, simples.

No they don't. Friends I've had for 30 or 40 years I've never needed to say anything like that to and certainly not in a group setting.

Exactly. Pulling you aside in private is very different to mocking you in public.

Because being called out on your shortcomings in front of others is humiliating.
Unless you're doing something criminal or immoral that needs addressing urgently then you can easily take that person aside. They are less likely to feel defensive and embarrassed.

Definitely pull back.

The adults in the group presumably have the ability to say no if they don’t want to be delegated. In most group situations there is a benefit to someone taking charge where tasks are to be allocated. I’m happy if someone takes that role, but equally will step forward if no-one is doing it and nothing is being achieved. Like PP, this comes from many years of experience at work. If people want to make up nicknames for me because I do that, they are welcome to. Maybe next time I find myself in that situation, I will make up nicknames for the wet lettuces who sit back, do nothing and don’t speak up if they think it’s a problem.

I’ve also been in situations where I am leading these sorts of group settings and it is real pain in the arse when groups spend far too much time just talking about a task and nobody takes charge to get the thing done. I usually end up going round each group and asking them to designate a leader.

🙈🙈🙈🙈 Oh dear… ‘go round and ask the, to designate a leader’? What sort of groups are these? Social ones? Committees?

Agree. I know someone who ran off with another woman’s husband and she is TOXIC as hell.

What she just did was ruder than what she was complaining about. Definitely pull back.

Wow, you must hurt from a leap that big!

The person thought the OP behaved badly. She pulled her in public, that was actually all she seems to have done wrong.

Plus I can’t see an indication that (a) the OP had a partner and (b) the friend would be interested.

All the hyperbole about her being a bitch, toxic etc is a bit pathetic.

I talk over people sometimes...I don't mean to and I feel awful about doing it. I also can't take any form of criticism. She sounds like a horrible judgemental cow bringing this up in a separate group. Don't bother with her any longer

But the person whose job it is to lead the group and delegate roles is the group facilitator, not you or any other person who has come to the group. If they’re doing a rubbish job of it you go to a different group, you do not start taking over and trying to “do a better job” than them. I agree with @LiviaDrusillaAugusta it’s absolutely cringe when people try and do this and it makes everyone extremely uncomfortable. Yes, “the adults in the group presumably have the ability to say no if they don’t want to be delegated to” but they’re not going to are they. Because the person trying to takeover has just made the whole situation incredibly awkward and uncomfortable and they likely don’t want to make it worse by publicly disagreeing with the random stranger who’s trying to take over the group! Doesn’t make them wet lettuces. Just normal people who know their place!

At best it’s tactless at worst it’s bloody rude. I’d drop this ‘friend’ like a ton of bricks. Not nice at all.

If you and the ‘friend’ are going back to the first group, at the start raise your hand to speak

Say to the instructor and the whole group of mums

‘my apologies for speaking over you (the instructor) and all of you mums at the group last time , I didn’t even realise I was doing it until …. …? pointed it out at another group last week…. Sorry ladies’. Then carry on in your normal friendly way. Leave it at that and don’t say another word.

It’s a a good way to call her out without falling out. Then gradually steer away from her without falling out.

Maybe it wouldn't be humiliaiting if you didn't call it that. What if you just termed it embarrassing?

My long standing friend does this, and even more annoyingly, adds little made up bits on too. I tend to just say ‘if you say so, dear’, or ‘oh, another Becky story’ because no observers want to listen to a back and forth between us.