New mum friend criticised me in group setting, should I pull back?

[ttc2023AH]

I wondered if anyone had advice. I am a chronic overthinker as a caveat.

I've made a new mum friend since having my baby (11weeks) we met at nursery and since then I've introduced her to a few other mum friends on the development and I think been nothing but supportive.

We recently went to a stay and play at the nursery we both attend and in front of the staff and new mums she bought up that it was good to be at a group we can talk at unlike another group we attended last week where she believed that I (rudely) talked over the group instructor and she felt bad for her and was wishing me to stop talking.

I don't disagree with her being that up if that's how she felt but it was in the context of being in front of the staff and new mums.

I mumbled something about not realising and I felt bad if I'd made the instructor feel that way but even the nursery workers commented saying 'its all coming out now'

I'm embarrassed and upset but we aren't close friends, we aren't even really close enough for me to cause an awkward situation by bringing it up. It would just probably end the friendship because I think she'd feel defensive. I don't know whether to just massively pull back or get over it (I think they are the two options I'd rather go for)

You met at nursery? So you both have older DC but have connected over having newborns at the same time?

Other than this one comment do you enjoy spending time with her? If yes then I’d let it go just this once, she might have thought she was making a joke (poorly landed) obviously if she continues to behave like this, then end the friendship.

Neither of you know how the instructor felt, it was likely a non event.
It’s one thing to say it after the fact to make you aware but it’s another to say it in a group scenario with people you don’t really know. Was there any context or did she just blurt it out? At best she was being awkward and said something without thinking At worst she deliberately made you feel uncomfortable.

if she’s otherwise been great I’d maybe let it go for now and see how things go. You could tell her it embarrassed you when she said that and see how she responds. Or you could draw back from the friendship a little and make her more an acquaintance you chat to when you see her.

If anyone I know criticised me in front of other people I would not call them a friend and I would have little to do with them

She obviously feels threatened by you in some way that she felt she needed to do that.

I don't think you're a friendship match. At least, I wouldn't say something like that in a group setting if I was interested in developing a friendship with you. Sounds mean.

This.
And there'll be more to come in the future I expect, so step away.

Just don't return her messages anymore. If you see her in public, polite social engagement. No more friendship. Just cut her out. You tried to do a nice thing and she wasn't appreciative.

No need to do in public. Unkind. Also, her view not necessarily everyone's view and even if you did over talk not crime of the century! We all have our moments. I bet others felt uncomfortable with what she did as well.
I think I would step back from her a bit to protect myself.

That's the sort of jokey banter you could safely have with a friend you've known a long time and you regularly joke about each other, but not someone you haven't known for long.

Was it said in a jokey way? If not I wouldn't consider her friendship material really. Still be friendly but that's it.

She felt a need to put you down in front of others, which is a problem with her not you. And that comment the nursery made about “ it all coming out now” is them humouring your “friend” because they could see it days more about her than you. That was a nasty thing to do.

She isn’t your friend, she’s making out you’re a mouthy cow so people will be wary of approaching you or getting to know you. She wants to be the one who is popular so is throwing you under the bus.

I personally would pull away. She's either not very socially aware (in which case there are probably more similar incidents to come) or she is and still felt it important to make the comment (in which case I'd assume she's not that bothered about being friends). Either way, not someone where the relationship is going to be all that fulfilling.

Separately, I remember most of our baby classes (at least the baby sensory ones) being pretty relaxed in terms of talking. They encouraged us to do whatever we needed to do and dip in and out as needed, so as long as others could still hear what was going on. They get that most people are there to get out of the house/have some friendly interaction. So I wouldn't feel bad!

Friends don’t embarrass their friends in front of other people. So I wouldn’t bother reaching out anymore.

So you have known her less than three months?

I don’t know what a ‘development’ is but presumably it isn’t an issue if you pull away?

She is NOT a friend. Raise your bar you are better than this. Congrats on your new baby💐

Did she say it in a jokey way? Neither is ok - if she was “joking around” she was clearly using you to make fun of to get a laugh out of the others there, which is a pathetic thing to do (and it’s clearly cos she feels threatened by you in some way.) If she was being completely serious, that’s just really nasty and says everything about the type of person she is. I wouldn’t want anything more to do with her regardless. I’d also drop into conversation to the mums you introduced her to that she’s a bit of a dick

She would be excised from my life without a second thought. That was not kind. Hopefully, the other people present would have just thought her unbearably rude. This woman does not mean you well.

She's a bitch. You don't need a friend like that.

It sounds like a really odd thing to do - are you sure she wasn't joking around and it fell a bit flat?

She went with you, probably because she didn't have the courage to go on her own. But once there tried to create distance with one-upmanship and critical bonding.
So I'd guess she wanted to be friends with the people there more than with you.

So no. She's not going to become a good friend , she's using you to bolster her into situations she can make friends she wants in.
She however managed to make herself look like a "mean girl" so she's not going to achieve that. If she stays friends with you I suspect it would be by resentfully reluctant default.

Step away.

Obviously none of us know how you behaved with the instructor or if this criticism was valid but I think your friends behaviour is a red flag. It sounds like it could be manipulative negging and I'd be wary of her intentions.

You’re not friends, you’re acquaintances, was she correct? She could have handled it better, sounds like it annoyed her and it tumbled out at the wrong time.

How very very nasty of her.
I would drop her like a hot potato.
Nobody needs a ‘friend’ like that.

I’m thinking she must have read your reaction and see that you were taken aback and therefore if she didn’t try to reassure afterwards what she meant or that it was a joke, I would be a bit wary. I’d had said to her ( on her own) ‘ Why did you say that? Made me feel a bit embarrassed.”

I would pull back without a qualm.