New mum friend criticised me in group setting, should I pull back?

[ttc2023AH]

I wondered if anyone had advice. I am a chronic overthinker as a caveat.

I've made a new mum friend since having my baby (11weeks) we met at nursery and since then I've introduced her to a few other mum friends on the development and I think been nothing but supportive.

We recently went to a stay and play at the nursery we both attend and in front of the staff and new mums she bought up that it was good to be at a group we can talk at unlike another group we attended last week where she believed that I (rudely) talked over the group instructor and she felt bad for her and was wishing me to stop talking.

I don't disagree with her being that up if that's how she felt but it was in the context of being in front of the staff and new mums.

I mumbled something about not realising and I felt bad if I'd made the instructor feel that way but even the nursery workers commented saying 'its all coming out now'

I'm embarrassed and upset but we aren't close friends, we aren't even really close enough for me to cause an awkward situation by bringing it up. It would just probably end the friendship because I think she'd feel defensive. I don't know whether to just massively pull back or get over it (I think they are the two options I'd rather go for)

Fwiw I think the nursery worker comment was them feeling the awkwardness, and trying to diffuse the situation a bit. If I were the nursery worker I’d think your ‘friend’ was a bit of a twat.

Take a step back from this woman, be polite if you see her in groups that you mutually attend, don’t let her stop you going out with your other friends from your development if she’s there too - but stop inviting her into your already established social life.

Is the development your housing estate? Are the other mums in the same area and already your friends? You’ve introduced her to a few other mums which was a very kind thing to do. Take a step back now and be polite but rather distant.

Ive had people (including group facilitators )say "I noticed how you immediately took charge of the group and began to delegate roles". Ive quickly answered "When you come from a professional management background its a skill that comes naturally. So thanks for the complement."

That usually shuts them up even when they didnt mean it as a complement. But then I can be a bitch.

seems to me she's just using your "friendship" as a "step-up" to the people she really wants to be friends with....

They certainly didn’t mean it as a compliment. And, if you have actually said this ridiculous ‘quip’ back to people who were remarking on you telling other people what to do outside a work environment, it will simply confirm them in their view that you’re dictatorial and have zero social awareness.

Of course you can stop yourself telling people what to do! We all do things at work because our roles require it that we know not to do in non-work settings.

OP, this sounds like a complete non-event. If your baby is 11 weeks, this woman not even at the acquaintance stage, she’s just someone you’ve seen at different baby things. She didn’t like something you did, and you didn’t like the way she criticised you for it. You barely know her. It’s hardly surprising you don’t get on. Just focus on other people at these baby groups.

I wouldn't be happy about a comment like that in a group setting from someone I'd only known a few months. I don't think it is anything to do with how you behaved previously, if she'd had a genuine issue there's far better ways to address it than a mean comment in a group setting.

I'd be taking a big step back from her, polite if we happen to be in the same setting but nothing else.

Oh, god, that's the sort of thing my mum would say. She is socially very awkward and largely disliked because of the bizarre things she says to people.

If this is true and you do say this, please stop. It doesn't come across how you think it does!

OP, you haven't made a new mum friend. You have recently met someone who also has a baby. That's it. This woman is not your friend.

Withdraw from her, don't make any more arrangements with her and don't introduce her to any more groups/friends. Never have her in your home.

She's a bitch and bully and probably manipulative to boot.

Wow!
You have a few choices:
a) talk to her privately and say i would have appreciated it if you had discussed that you thought i spoke over someone privately rather than publicly.
b) realise she isnt a friend and distance yourself.
c) let it go this time but if anything similar occurs distance yourself.
What you do depends on how you feel and on wether you thing this friend has redeeming qualities.

Firstly congratulations! As for Angelica Pickles, she’s not your friend and there are better mum friends out there, I promise you! They don’t need to be on the same development. Once your DC is in school you’ll meet loads!

I’d argue real friends also call you out when you’re wrong so I can see both sides if OP really did do it.

Ditch her. Not a nice person.

Seems an odd way to bring up a gripe- in front of a group of other people when she didn’t raise it with you first?
Did she actually use the word ‘rude’? I’m wondering if it was just a clumsy way of saying that the group facilitator doesn’t like it when people talk over her and she felt uncomfortable that you were still talking? Whereas in this group it’s more relaxed. More of a dig at the facilitator than you?
I sing in a choir and at weekly rehearsals everyone likes to chat before it starts and during break. When she’s ready to begin some people don’t stop talking right away and it makes me uncomfortable when they continue, especially if it’s the group I’m talking with.
If it’s a friendship I wanted to keep I would just ask her ‘see what you said at nursery the other day about me talking when the group leader was talking? I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that had bothered you, you could have talked to me about it’. She’ll either agree and you can move on, or she’ll say something like ‘oh no, I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant that Jess is so much more relaxed that Liz’.

Eugh, that's ugly from both sides.

You shouldn't be taking charge and delegating unless that's your role. Speak to the person in charge (privately) if you're not happy with how a group is being run.
The person in charge should have just said "I'm running this group, please allow me to do so. Come and have a chat later about things if you like".

I wouldn't be impressed buy your 'natural skill' if you barrelled in and took over.

She's showing you who she is early on, believe her. Her next party trick is: She will Run off with your Husband ( these TOXIC bitches usually do)..you have been warned...

This is nuanced.
If she said "it's great we're able to talk at this group. The last one TTC and I went to, the leader wasn't very happy when TTC was talking"
it means something very different from "Its a good job we're in a group where we can talk today, as last time TTC kept talking when we shouldn't and it was awkward for the leader".
Similar content, different message and motivation.

You probably shut them up because they didn't want to offend you by pointing out that most people from a professional management background understand the importance of leaving space for other people to come forward so you don't dominate things.
Its an easy trap to fall into when it's your day job, but not conducive to a positive dynamic in a non hierarchical group setting. With experience good managers tend to learn to rein themselves in and appreciate what others can offer and control their ego to let the facilitator do their job.

I laughed at this and then wondered if you hadn’t intended it as a satirical imitation of some of the more obviously batshit responses on these kinds of threads…

Please tell me you were joking.

I think the comment of ‘it’s all coming out now' was probably aimed at the other woman not you, who was bringing this up in public and probably making others feel awkward. At the time she could’ve just said ‘let’s listen to the instructor for a minute’ or something as you didn’t realise they were talking, instead of being silent and then bringing it up in front of other people. I’d feel embarrassed and probably wouldn’t want to carry on being friends with this woman if she deals with things in this way

Not infront of others you don't

Bah Ha ha ha ha. I’m assuming you are jesting with us.

This

One of the best things my DH ever said to me when I was trying (and failing) to make mum friends in mum groups; 'Just because we all had sex at roughly the same time as each other then had a baby does not mean we have anything else in common'.

A person who shits all over you and tries to humilate and embarrass you in front o others is not a friend. And you should just dump them and block without a second extra thought about it.

And I BET 100% everyone else there clocked her as a nasty little bitch as well.

You've been a Stepping Stone introducing this woman into your various groups which is quite a big favour really. I think her remarks show signs of trying to establish that she is the more relevant person to the group by putting you down in public. She's not bothered about friendship, she's more bothered about her status in the group.

The nursery person's comment was saying more about her outburst "It's all coming out now" than you, and was said to close it down a bit because she was bringing out her resentment and not very pleasantly.

I've seen this before in school situations and I can't understand why people return a favour with that behaviour.. There's just no need for it.

I sounds like she has the makings of a Wendy or Queen B by next term.

I agree with pps who suggested, maintain a civil but distant approach. Don't let her oust you from your groups, but essentially keep at arms length (with v long arms)

this is so blatant its likely she has social communication deficits so in theory likely to happen again