Reasonable consequences for teen losing expensive door key twice?

[Zoo2tropolis]

This may be a mix of AIBU and WWYD

My DC is early teens. Usually very responsible, well behaved, very few problems at any age. At the start of the school year they were given a door key. In a pouch, to go inside their school bag and stay there. Told to keep it safe, we have a special door and lock so it's really expensive. It would only be needed every now and then when noone gets home in time to let them in.

Around Xmas time, they lost the key. Then eventually found it, but we were mad they hadn't looked after it. They had taken it out of the pouch, left it loose. The responsibility and importance of keeping it safe, and consequences of not doing that were impressed on them. We helped them devise a means to keep it safe - put it in a zipped pouch, again within school bag and it should stay there.

Today they said it's lost again, this time the zip on the pouch apparently broke, they put the key tucked just inside their phone case and it's gone. The phone has been taken multiple places and they have no idea when it went or whether in or outside the house.

I'm saying the consequences for this should be:

1. Grounded for 1 month, due to seriousness of the issue and it being lost despite previous conversations (but they can still go to clubs)
2. Loss of phone except for travel to and from school for communicating
3. They should use their laptop to come up with a way to earn money to cover cost of a new key, as this is about taking responsibility

So AIBU, or what would you do in the same position?

Wow. That's harsh. Have you never lost anything yourself?

You're going to punish a child who you describe as normally responsible cos they made a mistake?

Way to make the teen years hell.

Your teen is a person. Whatever you would do to your husband if he lost a key, you do to them. Yes yes, they did it twice. What would you say to dh if he did it? Give teen a lanyard / clippy key chain thing and give them grace.

I think your punishments are disproportionate for the "crime".
Some people are just hopeless at keeping things safe - my dh is forever tracing his steps looking for his wallet, keys or phone whereas I rarely misplace anything.

My dd has lost 2 house keys, at £30 a pop to replace, it's annoying. But she didn't deliberately lose them so we replace and ask her to be more careful. I certainly wouldn't be dishing out your punishments!

They buy a replacement key from their pocket money/birthday/christmas money (or you buy it initially and they pay you back incrementally if they dont currently have enough).

Then - Get a key safe which they help to install.

They have accidentally lost it, twice, not deliberately or carelessly, but due to inexperience. Certainly second time they tried really hard to find another way to keep it safe!

They are 13 and are still very much learning how to take responsibility for so many things, alongside puberty!

So many people on here talk about how peri-menopause makes US scatty, yet seem to forget teenagers with similar hormone changes are likely to be struggling too and could do with support and empowering, rather than just bollocking and told to do better without actually equipping them with the necessary skills or confidence to do so!

As he cant manage to keep it safe presently, then find a way that allows him to access it safely and not have that responsibility until they have potentially matured a bit more.

I am very much an advocate of "natural consequences" and problem solving , rather than arbitrary punishments. And yes, I have 2 teenaged DS!

This is all a bit dramatic. Your punishments are draconian. Just replace the key and get a key safe. Teenagers are not known for their responsible behaviour. Have another firm chat with them instead of creating a stressful fight.

The consequences suggested are in my view much too severe, but I would make them pay/do chores to cover some or all of it. What I would do for the future is go to Screwfix or somewhere and buy a decent key safe, fix it somewhere it can't be easily seen from the road, and keep the spare key in there. We did that when our DCs got to secondary school and needed to get in the house after school (finished ridiculously early so often no one was in) because I didn't trust them not to lose the key. They are both now in their 20s and the key safe is still in use regularly, usually by DH who is always forgetting his keys 🤷‍♀️

Punishments are far too harsh, I think. The lost keys will probably turn up anyway.

When DS lost his keys, I replaced them the first time. The second time he had to pay for the replacement out of his pocket money, and had no key until he did. The inconvenience of not being able to come and go as he pleased for 4 weeks was an additional punishment.

I think it's understandable to be really annoyed but I don't think punishing kids and teenagers for genuine mistakes is good in the long run

Massive massive overreaction your part

get them to pay for a key lock box and replacement key. They are unlikely to do it again

So the OP has flounced off because she didn’t like being told her proposed punishments were unreasonable.

OP you need to unclench. You are ABU and need to take the intensity down a bit or else your child won't come to you when something actually important happens. It's a key, give them a list of chores worth £1 or £2 and let them work off the cost.

Too many punishments

Get them to do chores like washing the car to “earn” money to pay for a new key. Being grounded is too harsh but no money for fun is fair until you have bought a new key

Worse consequences than for an adult who would simply have to pay for a new key or for a locksmith.

I think your punishments are way ott. I'd make them buy a new key, the same way as I'd have to buy a new key if I'd lost it.

Wow. This is really harsh. I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to bite you op. You want your dcs on side so that you can stay connected to keep them safe as they get older.

OP has flounced but hopefully realises their idea of punishment is disproportionate.

This is why we got a key safe…

I don’t have to worry about lost keys

All of your punishments are unfair and out of proportion

@Zoo2tropolis Loss of phone except for travel to and from school for communicating

... So not a loss of phone then...?

They should use their laptop to come up with a way to earn money to cover cost of a new key, as this is about taking responsibility

A young teenager who has their own computer, instead of having to use school computers or the family's desktop. It doesn't exactly sound like he's enduring punishment, does it?

Either change to a more standard key or get a keysafe but make sure they put it back once the door has been opened.
No consequences as that seems harsh.

I had my front door replaced about 18 months ago, its composite and cost about £2k. It was done for very good reason (abusive ex). The keys need a special security card to get spares (that lives in a safe in a trusted persons house) and they cost about £50 a pop too so I suspect that the OP has the same set up.

So yes I would be fucking fuming if a key got lost. Not just the money but the faff.

I would go for one hour of chores per day for the month rather than grounding, as that drives home the reality of what it costs rather than them being angry for the punishment.

As for the "he is only 13" comments.

DD is my youngest at 14 and has had a key for 2 years. The other 5 all had keys from 12 ish, mix of boys and girls. Never had a lost key.

He is only being careless because he thinks that there are no consequences, time for him to learn differently.

The punishment is not reflective of the crime

My god these are awful consequences. It's been lost just once- the first time it was just misplaced as it later turned up... Speaking as a parent of an only child went off to secondary where they didn't know anyone in Y7 and has been a latchkey kid ever since, if you can't get over the fact that keys -even to very expensive doors- do get lost, maybe make sure there's always someone at home.

I'd be interested what Social Services would say to this- genuinely- they might not give a fuck but it seems very workhouse. Kids lose stuff, get over it.