Nine months pregnant and doing everything while DH relaxes at home

[Doineed]

I can’t and won’t explain the ins and outs of my entire relationship with DH.. but this particular issue has hurt me to the core.

I’m 9 months pregnant and about to give birth. We have 2 wonderful young daughters (under 4yo) so it’s very full on. He was very excited about baby number 3 and initially reassured me that he would be on hand to help. However… has he lifted a finger this pregnancy? Not really, no.

I’m absolutely huge - baby is measuring big and I genuinely look like I’m carrying twins. DH does work full time, long hours 5 days a week but when it comes to being at home he simply thinks his job is done and that he doesn’t need to do anything to help me. He just sits and watches me struggle. An example is today.. we got home from being out for the afternoon and he is now lying in bed scrolling on his phone whilst the girls are non stop asking me for things. I now have to bath the two of them, I’ve already spent over an hour making their dinner / our separate dinner and cleaning up. I need to sit.

There is just no help and I’m sick of it. I honestly haven’t noticed it until this pregnancy-I was happy being the domestic housewife/stay at home mum but watching me struggle is making me so so hurt.

Tell him, don’t ask. Ignore any “atmosphere” just flat out pretend it isn’t there. His behaviour is atrocious, don’t fall for his manipulation.

I'd go and lie down on the bed and tell him the DC need to be fed and bathed and you aren't doing it. Leave him to go and sort them out.

@Doineed
Why are you happy to do all of it?
What are your children learning about relationships and life skills if their father lies scrolling on his phone while their mother is treated like a skivvy? Is this the life you want for your girls?

Don’t be a martyr. Tell him you’re done for the day. He should be looking after all of you anyway. I never understand women who have children with domestically useless men. Imagine how you’ll feel after another few years of this crap..

You are not a 24/7 domestic servant. You should have equal amounts of leisure time. When you are not pregnant or caring for a newborn he has home responsibilities as well as work responsibilities.

While you are growing a human both inside and outside of your body, he needs to take on some of your normal tasks because the general workload has increased.

this isn’t just a problem because you are pregnant. It is setting a horrible example for your children. This isn’t how good father’s behave. Do you want them to have this kind of marriage? The kind where men come home and do nothing? This needs to change.

"he makes it known that my request is inconvenient to him or he somehow makes the atmosphere feel off without even having to say anything"

So you're married to a passive-aggressive bully. He punishes you when you dare to ask for help. This is a version of abuse that's insidious.

Name it. Stamp on it.

e.g. You are being passive-aggressive and creating an atmosphere because I've asked you to step up and parent your children for a few brief moments. I'm knackered. Just because you go out to work doesn't make you the king of the fucking universe around here. I'm not your skivvy. Put your phone down, get up and be an adult.

That is exactly what I was going to write, but take the tray with a pot of tea and a packet of chocolate biscuits with you. We get what we accept. just stop. this is the perfect time.

100% this!

Oh yes and thanks for the reminder re Mothers Day - easy to forget in the absence of a card/flowers! So that’s great.

@AmandaHoldensLips you are right in that he essentially punishes me for asking for help. Not physically, but mentally. He creates an atmosphere or he will make me feel as though I need to ‘make up for it’ by giving him extra space then, etc.

To be honest, it’s a huge issue that has suddenly blown up during this pregnancy. It’s an issue that needs addressing asap, I’m just so tired and want to get the birth out of the way first.

I have to be honest, I’m feeling so incredibly lonely and down about it all. I feel like a bloody slave at the moment and I’m in no fit state to be slaving around doing everything by myself. My tummy muscles (or what is left of them) ache, my hips ache. I’m going to take advice from here and go up to bed with my tea and biscuits.

You need to tell him tea just needs to be placed in oven/cooked, and you're going to bed as you're feeling so bad (and stay there), and he can bring your meal up to you when it's ready. In the meantime, have a nap, or just crash out on the bed with your fit up on your phone or reading.

Then he can do the deal with bathtime and bedtime.

He sounds like a complete shit, But has he always been like this? Have you always done all the childcare, cooking, etc? Have you ever said to him that he needs to do his share at weekends?? If not, why do you suddenly expect him to?

You should be doing equal work at weekends and have equal time off. But his reaction to being asked for help is to be passive-aggressive. That’s totally unacceptable. You should be able to talk to him, tell him how you feel. If not, your resentment is just going to grow and grow.

i can’t imagine anyone just sitting and watching you run around and do everything while he just sits on his arse. Good luck with changing this.

This.

I know you're tired but you really need to deal with this before you come home with your third child.

💯 this will be even more untenable with a newborn in tow

You are actually NINE months pregnant??
Like about to pop??
Im gobsmacked and upset for you love i really am that he is such a selfish arse of a human.
Honest tk god this is the measure of a man. He should be doing everything. Absolutley everything at this stage.
Not 'helping'. Absolutley running the show.

Go to bed and if he comes in tell him you are exhausted and he has to take over or you will keel over.
Atmosphere? There would be an atmosphere alright and not because of him.
What a lazy feckless man.

Book a hotel locally and go and get in your car and drive to it and turn your phone off as soon as you’ve ordered a nice take away . Bring bubble bath with you .

Sounds like you already have 3 children and number 4 is imminent.
good luck

I’m not sure why you even wanted to have sex with such a lazy arse 9 months ago. Even when not pregnant on days he is not working he should be doing 50% of the house and child stuff.

If he loved you and respected you as an equal he would not huff and puff about doing basic parenting. Does he even like you?

I hope you have requested a hospital stay with dc 3?

OP, you are 9 months, you really need to be milking this a bit better! Even if you were feeling amazing, this is your time to have many episodes of feeling faint, weak, not sure if you've weed yourself or if its your waters broken. Stop spending an hour cooking unless it is for yourself, buy ready meals and let him heat it up himself. Time to get his arse in gear, put the willies up him a bit - he is too comfortable.

@NerrSnerr just burst into tears reading that final question - I ask myself the same sometimes. I don’t know why I deserve so little from him. Sometimes the only answer in my head is just that he simply can’t love or respect me.

@Easterbunnygettingawrapping Already feeling the pressure and baby isn’t even here yet, so that speaks volumes in itself!

Honestly? Tell your midwife what’s going on. You need a few days in hospital or in a maternity unit when #3 arrives, and right now your midwife can support you in telling your husband that he needs to step up. He’s being an absolute arse. When he can grow and birth an entire human then he can sit around playing with his phone. Until then, he has to help while you grow and birth an entire human for him.