Would you date a bisexual man?

[Seymorbutts]

Just that really. A man who you believed to be genuinely bisexual, not a gay man on his way out of the closet. Someone who’d had long-term relationships with both men and women and who you’ve never known to sleep around with either men or women. If not, why would it bother you?

Yeah, but being friends with someone, and dating them with the idea of eventually marrying them and potentially having children with them is a bit different.

Although I would never date a Muslim man, because I wouldn't date anyone religious. Is that alright, or is that bigoted too?

I wouldn’t date someone who had been promiscuous as their ideas around sex wouldn’t align with mine. I don’t judge them and believe they should do what is right for them and what they enjoy, but a man like that isn’t a man for me. I don’t owe anyone a date, sex or a relationship.

There are many other things they may have done before they knew I existed that may mean I wouldn’t date them either once I know about them. There are specific questions I always asked on dates about things that were important to me.

Some people really don’t like being told NO!

A man could mention a lot of things that might make me break up with him - from being mildly Christian, to enjoying roleplay in the bedroom, to having dated a porn star, to believing in gender ideology, to being bisexual. All of these things would put me off going any further.

It's not about being phobic (a bit silly as I'm not straight), but about knowing what I want and need in a partner.

Same. I’d have asked about past relationships and sexuality because it’s important to me. I would expect them to be truthful, so if I later found out they lied I’d be angry and obviously the relationship would be over due to both issues, the sleeping with men and the lying.

You are saying that though.

You actually say in a post that it's judgemental for a woman and she's shaming a man to break up with him if he reveals he has had relationships with men in the past.

Saying that means you think even though the woman feels revulsion about his bisexuality she should continue the relationship in order not to be seen as a bigot.

Fuck that. Any woman can break up with a man for any reason. If a man revealed he'd been in prison or had been prosecuted for drunk driving or took drugs I would feel equally repulsed as if a man revealed he was bisexual. It would be part of him that would disgust me. And it is not bigoted to say that.

Well, quite. And to be clear, I deliberately chose not to use the word "race" in my last two posts. Because "othering" people is based on all sorts of characteristics. They just need to be different enough to feel somewhat alien to us.

The idea that our private sexual preferences are an expression of our ideological principles is ridiculous.

Gay men find the idea of sex with a woman abhorrent. Does that automatically make them all misogynist antifeminists?

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise! But yes, I notice quite often people talk about 'racism' when really it's just wariness of another culture, or a preference for their own culture.

And while I do think that attraction is influenced by our environments and society growing up, I don't think it dictates it - and I think often our preferences will override any societal influence.

Ultimately though, I just don't think it's 'problematic' to be very picky and particular in choosing a sexual and life partner. The idea of 'preferences' needing to be 'examined' is weird to me, because...why?? It sounds like a (much less extreme) version of conversion therapy.

It seems that we are permitted to refuse people, but not decide to refuse people as a group. Which I find ridiculous. Can I refuse people who belong to any political party for example? If so why? If not why do you come to that conclusion? Because political opinion would be one of the reasons I would say no, as well.

I suspect we are wired up differently at a biological level, and the insistence here that women must set aside their personal preferences in order to "understand the bigger picture" is just another of those #bekind pressures that MN is so partial to.

God no.

The push from some corners to accept everyone and everything in terms of a relationship and telling people boundaries and preferences are bigoted is really worrying. All this pressure to be sex positive which is just pressure to erode boundaries. I fear for young people dating, after conversations I’ve had with my teen and young adult children about this message they’re being given. It’s not healthy, it’s harmful. It’s grooming.

Can you quote the posts that explicitly say “she should continue the relationship so as not to be seen as a bigot”? No, because they don’t exist. Of course anyone can dump anyone for any reason, including prejudiced and bigoted reasons. Doesn’t stop the reasons being prejudiced and bigoted though. Feeling sudden revulsion towards someone you’d otherwise been happily dating because you find out they’re bisexual is absolutely prejudice. Nevertheless it is your right not to continue the relationship with them.

It is grooming, exactly. I said this 10 mins ago bit MNHQ removed my post.

Do you not understand that I might feel revulsion for a person based on lots of things they did in the past? What I find repulsive, another person might forgive or be OK with it. And that could well apply to how people see me. If I have a boundary, then that's my boundary. Telling me I should not have that, and should think differently is just not acceptable. And to say it's prejudice is also not acceptable. Perhaps the man should have disclosed his sexuality at the beginning, he took away my autonomy.

Why is it prejudiced?

You say that as though there is no non-prejudiced, acceptable reason for a woman to decide a man being bisexual makes him not the best option for her. People have given reasons on this thread, including myself, which seem non-prejudiced to me.

So: why is it blanket 'bigoted' to not want to continue dating a bisexual man?

That doesn't mean dating preferences like this don't arise from social and cultural bias.

We live in a culture where homosexuality is still mocked, still seen by many as a sin or shameful. That bisexual men are promiscuous, unfaithful, or unclean, or not manly, or really they're actually gay but lying about it. We've seen some of those prejudicial attitudes stated outright on this thread.

Those messages pervade and form unconscious, subliminal bias.

Even if you, personally, don't think bisexual men are promiscuous etc, you're still being affected by that biased messaging and that's what's putting you off.

It doesn't mean you're a bad person, or a bigot, or hateful.

We can acknowledge that biases in dating are based in harmful stereotypes AS WELL AS understanding that dating is not an equal opportunity.

Bits in italics. Unless you are now claiming that being influenced by prejudice and harmful stereotypes is not negative and not something which we should seek to change?

We should certainly seek to change it at a societal level, yes.

In no way does that mean an individual person has to date someone they're not comfortable with.

What you seem to be struggling with is that you say people’s reasons for not wanting to date bisexual men are based on prejudice. Many people, me for one, disagree with you.

Whether you then go on to say “you are entitled to date based on your prejudiced preferences” is neither here nor there. You have already been derogatory of other people’s sexual identity by characterising it as based on prejudice and bigotry, when it isn’t.

It seems pretty prejudiced to just wholesale dismiss and denigrate people's sexual preferences as prejudice, ironically.

Your questions were:

Where, exactly, did I say you should try and educate yourself out of it?

Where, exactly, did I categorise your sexual identity as negative?

So to clarify, your view is, yes I should be educated out of my sexual identity, on a societal level.

And yes, you think my sexual identity is negative and “we” as a society should seek to ensure people don’t have this identity,

Exactly

I'm starting to think you're deliberately misinterpreting my posts, so this will be my last reply to you.

No, I don't think you should be educated out of your sexual identity, nor that society should ensure people don't have that identity.

I do think we should address the prejudices in our society that e.g. mean people think bisexual people are cheaters and therefore less attractive partners, or that e.g. black people are less attractive because we're fed the message that western looks are the ideal.

I do think that many of our preferences when dating come from the wider societal messages we grow up with and live in. There is actually an awful lot of data that has been gathered on this in recent years as the advent of dating apps has meant obtaining such data on a huge scale has become easier.

I myself acknowledge I have preferences that are probably informed by racial stereotypes. It doesn't make me a bad person. I can acknowledge it without self-flagellating or trying to educate myself out of it. I am not wrong to have those preferences. The societal messages that influence them may be wrong, but my preferences are not.

I don't know how much clearer I can make it that the personal and the societal are two very different things and that acknowledgement of the latter does not put demands on the former.
Anyway, as I've said, I don't think you will take this in the manner it's meant but I hope it clarifies things for other posters.