Would you date a bisexual man?

[Seymorbutts]

Just that really. A man who you believed to be genuinely bisexual, not a gay man on his way out of the closet. Someone who’d had long-term relationships with both men and women and who you’ve never known to sleep around with either men or women. If not, why would it bother you?

Not again, no.

It wasn't a good experience for me. People thinking there would be less 'toxic masculinity'? That was absolutely not my experience.

People can have whatever preferences they like without others trying to make them feel they are wrong. It's no different from preferring blond men to dark hair, tall to short or straight to bisexual. Not everything is phobic.

I think people often have a liking for a particular 'look'. To clarify I'll give you mine. I like men who are dark haired, dark eyed and olive skinned, to put it simply you might call it the Latin look. I don't find blond haired men attractive, I just don't find myself physically attracted to them. It doesn't mean I dislike them. It just means that I don't want to force myself into a relationship where I have zero sexual attraction for that person. Other people might well feel different and that's fine. It's not a prejudice, it's a preference. I'm not going through life abusing people who don't tick those boxes for me. I'm not discriminating against them. I'm deciding whether that relationship will work for me. Why should I be forced into a relationship, especially a sexual relationship, where I just don't feel the attraction for them?
In the same way, I wouldn't want a relationship with a very religious person. It would complicate my life and would, quite probably influence my feelings for them.
If you can't understand that, then I despair.

I think calling it “biphobia” is ridiculous. I’m so tired of people labelling people phobic for not wanting to date a person because of their body/sexuality/gender identity. It’s a preference and you literally can’t help it. It’s not a choice you’ve made not to like someone because they’re different and it’s not a judgement on their lifestyle. It may be something about their lifestyle that turns you off but that is not something that can be helped. Do you also agree that lesbians are transphobic for not wanting to date trans women? I’m a lesbian and I wouldn’t date a trans woman but I’m also not sold on gender ideology. However I have lesbian friends who are absolute trans allies, have fully swallowed the GI pill, and even they wouldn’t sleep with a trans woman. They wouldn’t admit it though, because they’re terrified of being labelled transphobic, which is really sad.

I also am very unlikely to date a bi woman, although this is probably for different reasons than a straight woman not wanting to date a bi man. It wouldn’t be that I’d find her any less attractive, I’d just be worried that she’d run off and leave me for a man, or that she wasn’t 100% secure in her sexuality, I’d also feel that I had more in common with a lesbian and that they’d ’get me’ more. However I’d never say never. It would depend on the person, but it would be a drawback for sure. I don’t think that makes me bi-phobic. I do not dislike bi people because they’re bi. Isn’t that the definition of phobic?

I also wouldn’t date an obese person. I just don’t find very fat people physically attractive. That is just the way my brain (and most other people’s brains) is wired. Calling someone fat phobic for that is more than just inaccurate, it’s helped to grow the body positivity movement and normalise obesity, which has had some devastating consequences (eg. All the body positivity influencers who have died from obesity-related diseases recently).

As a bi woman, this makes perfect sense to me.

I am bi and of course it would not bother me.

It is sad to have to read comments from people who have so many preconceived ideas about bisexuality...

So again:

• Being bi does not mean you are not monogamous and cannot be happy with one partner
• Being bi does not mean you are a closet gay
• Being bi is not "baggage" it is simply someone's sexual orientation
• Being bi is not a "kink" and also does not automatically mean you are into BDSM.

People are perfectly entitled not to want to date a bisexual but it is not OK to come up with the above nonsense.

That's so weird. I don't find South Asian men attractive, and I wouldn't date someone from a different culture because I think it's just easier to have the same cultural background. Is that somehow 'phobic' and based on bias?

I'm sure there are many demographics you wouldn't date. Are you also phobic for having preferences?

Not that I make a habit of it, but one can swoon over two gay men or two lesbians in love, without wanting to date them!

Yes, I can read. Your post says that the reasons someone doesn’t want to date bisexuals are negative and rooted in prejudice and bias. You can tack on the end “that doesn’t make you a bigot etc” but you have just characterised my sexual identity as negative and something to ideally not exist. Saying I’m not a bigot but that my sexual identity is something which I should educate myself out of is still judgemental bollocks and wrong.

Drawing equivalence between same-sex attraction and "kinky sexual practices" is homophobic.

I didn't.

What????

I can and have happily watched series/films involving people in a same sex relationship, or bisexual people, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with them. I’m not attracted to them. I watched a Korean romcom not long ago, loved the characters, but I’m not attracted to Korean men. I love Our Girl but would never date someone in the army. I watched All Creatures Great and small which has a lot of farming in it but wouldn’t date a farmer.

It’s ridiculous that we’ve got to a place these days where people are so terrified of offending anyone that you’re not even ‘allowed’ to have dating preferences anymore. It’s perfectly natural, sometimes I feel like we’ve come so far from the animals we are that we’ve forgotten that we’re animals at all! (With desires, urges and preferences we can’t control). At the extreme it’s resulted in some people being coerced into being in relationships with people they don’t want to be with. For example, I know of young lesbians who have gone on dates with trans women, despite not being at all attracted to them, because they’re so terrified of being labelled transphobic if they turn them down. This is not ok. We need to be able to have preferences and teach our young people that its ok to express them and that you should never ever feel pressure to date someone for the sake of looking “progressive” or through fear of being labelled a bigot.

I’ve never been attracted to a Chinese person, when I was on dating apps and a Chinese person came up I’d almost always swipe ‘no’ on them (after checking out their profile). This sounds uncomfortable to say because we’ve got so used to everything being racist, even sexual preferences. I even feel uncomfortable about it, but then I check myself and realise it’s because we’re so hyper aware of racism now and it is, in fact, totally normal to not find someone who looks/speaks/acts very culturally different from you attractive. Even to feel wary of them is normal. It’s how we protected ourselves from strangers raiding our caves in the days of early humans. I’m not racist, I just know that I’d be unlikely to be able to form a connection with someone who comes from a culture so vastly different to my own. I wouldn’t be offended if I heard a Chinese person say “I’m not attracted to white people, they’re too tall and their hair is too blonde” or whatever. In a few years straight people will start to be called homophobic for not fancying people of the same sex! 🙄

I wouldn’t date a bisexual man. There are many things that would put me off a man and one would be certain past sexual experiences.

Yes, like many posters am bi myself and therefore have a slight preference for bi partners, be they make or female, as they are more likely to "get it".

My previous and current relationships have been with bi men, and they aren't hugely different from the straight men I have been with - certainly no less masculine, no less attracted to me as a woman (in fact, I would say they have been more into sex in general than the straight men I have dated, tho that could just be them as individuals).

The main positive is that they are less judgemental about my own sexuality.

I don’t get what this has to do with anything??

They have no real argument so are just throwing random things out there. It’s quite funny.

Where, exactly, did I say you should try and educate yourself out of it?

Where, exactly, did I categorise your sexual identity as negative?

I think we live in a very sad world if people imagine they’ll have no connection with someone who has had different life experiences or a different skin colour to you. I would hope people were less shallow, but that seems not to be the case on MN. So I take it if your wife gets fat, it’s ok to just leave her? Because your physical type is slim women?

I do have friends who have expressed similar to what many posters are saying on here - that they aren't homophobic but just couldn't date a guy who would also potentially be with men....

And I do believe they aren't homophobic in the sense that they are friends with me and have no problem with me being bi.....

But equally, nobody has ever fully explained the reason for this preference. And I would, I suppose, like to understand it.....

Someone upthread (sorry, I meant to quote it but now can't find it) suggested that they wouldn't feel comfortable if their partner had a whole area of attraction/preference that they couldn't fulfil....

I suppose I sort of understand that. But it also sounds a little dangerous to me.....

Human sexuality is fluctuating and multi-faceted. I think the aspiratuon to COMPLETELY fulfil your partner sexually, every single aspect of their preferences and desires, is an ambitious one, and likely to lead to failure and consequently distress ....

There are all kinds of, sometimes contradictory, sexual scenarios I find enticing. I don't think a single human could fulfil them all..... But nor do they need to? I would be absurd if I felt I couldn't survive unless every single aspect of my sexual desires was being regularly met....

(Our briefly, we all like lots of different things sexually. Whether that's blondes and brunettes, young guys and silver foxes, dominant and submissive, men and women..... We all have to accept that, if we want monogamy, we won't have all of these met, but that's ok. That's what masturbatory fantasy is for, if you really can't live without thinking about it.... )

My partner has enjoyed sex with men in the past before. He assures me he can live without it, and I find this just as plausible as a man who also likes curvy women but falls in love with a thin one, being perfectly able to cope..
. What's the difference, really?

It is absolutely not normal to feel wary of people from different races. That is the very definition of racism. You are racist.

But it is normal to not feel sexually attracted to a person based on their looks.

No connection? I could connect with many people as friends, but very few people as a partner. Sexual attraction and connection is a very unique thing.

I wouldn’t date a bisexual man, men of certain races, people with certain disabilities, trans people, people in certain jobs, people with certain diets, religious people, people with children etc. I wouldn’t be attracted enough to them due to things they’ve done/do/have in their life//can’t do/physical characteristics/views/morals etc.

People have explained it to you. You are just refusing to accept THEIR preferences. It’s creepy.

Oh don't be silly. Wariness of the unknown is recognised universally as human nature, deeply rooted in survival instincts. Racism is judging and discrimination based on unfair assumptions. It's a cultural layer that turns difference into hierarchy.

Wariness sounds like it’s based on unfair assumptions too and the idea that all people from a particular culture are a homogenous community. How can you possibly know what someone is like, regardless of culture, unless you get to know them?

It’s important to me so I would ask about dating history early on if it was someone I didn’t already know.