SIL sneakily causing trouble

[Shootinghoops]

My SIL seems to put on a front, but in the background is really causing divides. I do struggle a bit with people who seem fake, but want to try with her and don’t want to cause trouble between her and my brother. I’ve always been pleasant to her, try to find redeeming things about her etc. It’s hard as if I tell my brother things going on in my life, I understand he might tell her, but this is then used as a weapon. There’s something really off about her that’s become more apparent over time. It’s all done in a subtle way. I don’t want to have to put a wall up between me and my brother. I have tried grey rocking but it’s hard sometimes. Tips?

@Firefly100thank you. The amount of time our families meet won’t change, but I’ve sent my apologies for the next one that she’ll be at.

As I said, some of it is ridiculous but bearable, like going on excessively about what an amazing present [insert names of all family members from her side] bought, with a “say thank you” and let’s put some of these in the car if bought by someone not on her side - consistently. Some is more mean such as making kids miss out on an activity there’s ample time to get to because they wanted one more hug with Nana. It’s the bigger stuff that I’d normally share with family - I’ll have to ask them not to tell “Fred” in case his wife uses it against me. That feels disloyal and weird too. I’ll have to figure it out somehow.

We are a pretty close drama-free family. I’ve met her family many times over the years - and they seem close and drama-free too. I don’t get it. One of the first things I liked about her was her attitude towards her family. I don’t expect her to jump for joy every time she sees her in-laws, I try to get she has a huge need for control and that manifests itself in various ways, but the undeserved spitefulness is really hard to take.

Christ you’re judgmental!

I have had this for a long time with my husbands sister. The comments went unnoticed for years by anyone but me. I eventually withdrew more and more from talking to her and gave almost no information about me or my life. Luckily they moved overseas and I rarely see them now. Her and my husband have had various failings out (none of them to do with me) and I leave all the facilitation of their relationship to him. I would say things have improved a lot since I began to hold back as she simply has no ammunition. Sad as it is I think to protect your you will have to keep things very private from your brother and ask your family to do so too