Ds is five and can’t use cutlery

[toohotwiththeheatingon]

He uses his fingers generally; it’s awful when you see him grabbing fistfuls of food 🤢

I’ve just lost it with him after half his dinner ended up on the floor. Seriously feel like I’ve got a weaning baby.

Not sure what to do tbh.

Can he physically not do it or just opt not to?

Can he just use a fork or a spoon? Or a spork?
He’s still a bit young to be cutting up his own food tbh.

what have you done to teach him? And what are the repercussions if he doesn’t even try to use cutlery?

Sounds like a motor control issue. Or a parenting one. Either way, falling out with him is the wrong way to go.

Not sure @BippityBopper

I cut his food up. He will sometimes use a spoon but generally uses fingers.

There aren’t any repercussions. I struggle to find any suitable sanction at the best of times and this didn’t seem like a hill worth hanging on if you like but this last dinner was pretty bad, I’m not sure he was even aiming for his mouth

Does he have other issues? Maybe he is dyspraxic.

Does he use a spoon for yoghurt or ice cream?
can he cut and spike for knife and fork?
I f he’s physically able tohe bottom line is you need to make it really convenient to use the cutlery and really inconvenient not to.

What about the meals he can’t really use his hands for, like spaghetti bolognese, chilli, lasagne, stews, soup? How does he eat those?

Look into dyspraxia. My DD is 8 and still can’t use a knife competently. She was diagnosed (privately through an OT assessment) at 7.

Have you bought him good ergonomic cutlery?

Well the obvious answer is if he doesn’t use cutlery there is no pudding and no sweet snacks and then bribery so every meal he uses cutlery with no arguing he gets a sticker , 10 stickers gets you X , 20 stickers gets you bigger X , stars get removed if he plays up . This is assuming he hasn’t got a motor skill issue , if he has then GP for help .

As for repercussions, I would take the food away if he deliberately uses his fingers (as long as you’re sure there’s nothing else going on) and would replace it with something boring like bread and butter.

What have you done to train him to use his cutlery. You've said you cut up his food but what else. Have you sat with him when he's eating and shown him how to hold the cutlery?

We used to have ‘good manners competitions’ at the table. Dc had to judge DH and try and beat him. We spoke in silly push voices and did everything very correctly.

It helped.

Please Don’t punish a kid who cannot use cutlery.

all behaviour is communication. Even if you don’t like it.

speak to your HV. See an OT. Get him assessed and support in place.

sounds more like he needs extra support developing motor skills &/or sensory differences.

Best of luck. It is challenging to deal with something everyone else’s kid seems to have no trouble with (this is a myth tho!!)

my kids did not use cutlery consistently until at least Y4. So age 8/9. And that was outside the home. At home they took longer.

They are not dyspraxic as far as we are aware. A touch of ND for sure. Still very sporty and very bright. Just no good with cutlery. 1 of them is hopeless at writing. 1 of them amazing. Altho takes a lot of effort. Which is very tiring in itself.

they all get there. And quicker with the right support. We found OT absolutely amazing. Very thorough 2 hour assessment which identified loads of interesting things which may have explained certain behaviours. Best 2h with the nhs in my lifetime so far!!!

Junior caring cutlery is good.

Do lots of fine motor activities. Scooping activities to help with spoon movements.

Practise using a fork (and later the knife) in playdough.

and of course eat together and model it yourself.

Let's go back a step, how much had he actually been encouraged or taught to use cutlery?. Do adults eat at the same time as him to model good cutlery use?. Too many parents want to spoon feed too long because it is less messy and is quicker and are then surprised that their child had not mastered the skill. Like do many things, children need the practice at things. I also see many threads where young children do not eat with parents or carer so have little example of good eating habits.

Have you actually taught him how to use cutlery?

Are you actually modelling the behaviour?

I loaded a spoon or fork for my children 12m-2 and they put it in their own mouths (with misses) .
I would sit next to them with food demonstrate how to do it and help them "spear" cut up food with a fork. This progressed through easy food to tricky stuff like pasta with sauce which is slippy.

My just 2 yo can eat with a fork confidently
He sometimes uses his hands if just too hungry.

Both my 2 and 4 yo are good at chopping and cutting we have plastic kitchen knives and they do melon apples etc
Just 4 yo is now moving on to cutting easier food on a plate again. This is modelled / supported.

I must have done this close to a thousand times (literally) and eaten more cold meals than i care to recall and my 4 yo still cant perfectly use cutlery because you are teaching them a skill.
You cant just eat next to them and be annoyed they arent doing it and you are embarassed by their bad manners.

Before you go looking for an external solution ask yourself if you are actually modelling the behaviour and spending the tens of hours of time required to teachi your child life skills

Good manners competition is a good idea. I can try that. I think with meals like chilli etc he uses a combination of spoon and fingers.

At 5 he really isn't too young to cut up his own food assuming there are no underlying issues like dyspraxia etc. Even then he will need to learn the skill in some form. Obviously some foods like meat will always be harder than others but he should at least be able to attempt it and succeed with softer foods. You need to work up to that though.

I assume he sees you using cutlery and you have shown him how, held his hands on the knife and fork while cutting up his food etc. In that case, working on his fine motor skills should help. Also giving him fewer messy foods (pasta can be tricky if he doesn't have the skills to scoop it up with a fork). Point out when he uses hands without even trying to use the cutlery provided, and taking the food away if he persists, only giving it back if he agrees to try. Provide one thing on the plate which can reasonably be eaten without cutlery so the whole meal isn't a battleground and he does get something to eat. If he eats potatoes etc by just sticking a fork in and holding it up to his mouth "that is not a lollipop" and expect him to put it down and at least try to cut it up.

This might sound tough, but he should be using cutlery and if he isn't even trying you need to push him to get to where he should be.

My dyspraxic DS used these, and found the little grooves where you put your fingers really helpful.

www.essentialaids.com/kitchen-aids-feeding-aids/adapted-cutlery/caring-cutlery-set-of-3-knife-fork-spoon.html?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20600117746&gbraid=0AAAAACz6PnGuLqFau9qKD_6XKgLw7Uyij&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvduu8ayOkwMVAZZQBh0qnA8eEAQYCSABEgLT6PD_BwE

You havent mentioned once if you have taught your child how to use a knife and fork. You just keep mentioning a spoon. Why is that?

If you're not sure whether he has the dexterity to actually use cutlery, that's something to identify first. Do you eat together, so he can see you use a knife and fork? If you cut up his food, do you give him a fork so he has the choice to use it? How does he eat hot food? Does he just wait for it to cool down?

In all honesty, DS is 10 and still uses his fingers. He can use a knife and fork, however, and knows that if he's eating at someone else's house, or we're eating out, he has to use cutlery.

If you eat on the sofa, or your child struggles with the plate slipping if he tries to cut things, you can buy non stick mats to help hold the plate in place. You can also buy specialist cutlery, which has finger grooves to help him hold the knife/fork/spoon in the right place.

https://www.essentialaids.com/kitchen-aids-feeding-aids/adapted-cutlery-for-children/kura-care-childrens-cutlery-knife-pack-of-3.html

Sorry, I guess it depends what you mean by ‘taught’; I don’t know that I’ve ever sat down and said this is a dork and this is a knife etc but it’s been modelled to him and he has a sibling who uses cutlery fine with the same upbringing. So maybe I should have been more explicit. It used to be very hard to get him to sit at the table but a small table
helped; maybe that wasn’t for the best as I can’t sit with him. Not sure; I’m sure I’ve made a lot of mistakes.

Thank you for the link, I will order some.