Dd having a meltdown every night - help!

[liveforsummer]

Dd16 has recently decided she’s got an aversion to dd12 not wearing socks. Dd prefers to have bare feet after she gets home for the day and this has been going on on and off for a while now but the last week or so it’s been every night, screaming and shouting, crying, telling her little sister she’s disgusting. Im pretty sure she’s heard a friend saying they hate feet as usually these little quirks are copied from someone else and are forgetten about after a few months. It’s just started again and I’ve had to leave the house as am at the end of my tether with it I’m a single parent working 3 jobs to pay for their hobby, am exhausted and want to chill on the rare evenings I am at home. Last night it was just as we sat down to the tea dd16 had requested and I’d spent ages making and I ended up going to my room instead of eating. I’m going to have to go back as dd12 is messaging me begging and saying she’s throwing things at her and screaming but I just can’t cope with the meltdowns anymore and needed away from it as no amount of reasoning was working. I used to just tell dd to put her socks on but don’t feel she should get to dictate something like this so have stopped and this is why it’s escalated. Any advice. I’ve had no problem with her in 16 years apart from some bits of other nasty words towards her sister from time to time so minister of this is just an excuse. I highly doubt she’s truly triggered by her feet. No other issues. I’m stumped!

I think the punishment you chose was fine, op, people get so dramatic.

How has she reacted to it?

I think you need to tell her that disliking bare feet is one thing, but her reactions are totally out of line and unacceptable and that at age 16 she needs to learn how to control herself.

If she can compete, she's clearly capable of self-discipline.

As others have said, worth finding out if this is displacement.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Lots of contradictory advice 😅. Dd appeared back in the living room later last night as she needed to charge her iPad while she worked (school iPad for homework) she sat with her back to dd so she couldn’t see her feet. Something she claimed earlier she was unable to do as she could still ‘feel they were there’. A short while ago she came to talk to me while I was changing after work and didn’t bat an eye lid when I removed my socks. I guess she could me more stressed than she’s letting on about exams. It’s the only thing I can think of . To the person concerned about her not having friends, she’s got a fab group at school and her hobby is more of a lifestyle than a hobby and comes with its own social life. For context it’s horse riding so obviously more involved than ones where you can turn up at a venue when you have a horse to prepare, turn out and transport. She’s hugely out going and socialable. In high demand for babysitting as known to be responsible and kids always take to her. Can take sole charge at the yard etc and is trusted to do so by other owners. She’s always bickered with her sister to the point it drives me mad but obviously this was a big escalation this week. I’m aware they spend more time together than some siblings due to a shared hobby. We do only own one pony but both are good riders and never short of others to ride. We have a fair schedule of who is riding ours when so that doesn’t really cause any issues. I’ll see if it happens again now it’s come to a head before making any decisions regarding considering counselling etc.

Scotland - not sure if that’s relevant?

I don’t think it’s that dd2 has ramped up the bare feet it’s that dd1 now spends more time on the living room as is enjoying watching series on tv. Maybe there is an element of that even though dd2 generally does get hot and take them off. She still can’t dictate whether others in the house wear socks even if indeed her little sister is a bit on the wind up. She should know better than to play into it. The thing is the arguments/bickering isn’t at all out of character and usually it is things she should be mature enough not to make a fuss about. Others are understandable like when she uses her make up or wears an item
of clothing - general little sister stuff. It’s just the level of it, I didn’t react the best I could either though as was so tired and dealing with it so many nights is a row. I just lost it a bit. She hasn’t mentioned the punishment yet. Last night she just said she was trying to ignore the feet etc but couldn’t. I’ve not had a chance to properly speak to her today. Still trying to make tea and earlier speak a lot course choices for next year/final year of high school which is proving tricky so perhaps more support needed there. Her guidance teacher is apparently not being too helpful

I rode and competed and would stick with the punishment of no comp this weekend. Her behaviour was atrocious and there are consequences. Unless she was working towards qualifying for a large comp or show, it's got no impact to her riding.

Im honestly not sure. Something to keep an eye on

OP, your latest update makes it sound like DD1 is expected to put up with her sister being a pain in the arse. Is it possible that DD2 is perhaps allowed to get away with being selfish / doing things wrong because she’s younger and DD1 has to just suck it up and be ‘mature’?

Maybe she just doesn’t show it.

It is a qualifier 😬 although one that is a big ask for the pony and definitely not a given there will be a place let alone a first or second needed. There is an alternative for her to ride in in the championship so won’t miss out. Will just have to do a slightly smaller class (that is much more in pony’s comfort range) and wouldnt be part of her ponyclub team and its a non qual class

it maybe came across like this. Tbf they take each others clothes etc. it’s not one sided. They both fight over who sits in the front but dd2 accepts the decision far easier (and only gets say one out of 3 or 4 times in the front anyway ) silly things that shouldn’t matter

Tell her to grow up, lock out her phone until she does

I knew a man who hated the sight of bare feet the closest ive seen him stressed is when the children were running around the house barefoot and he looked very uncomfortable and asked if these children had shoes they laughed and put their shoes back on