Dd having a meltdown every night - help!

[liveforsummer]

Dd16 has recently decided she’s got an aversion to dd12 not wearing socks. Dd prefers to have bare feet after she gets home for the day and this has been going on on and off for a while now but the last week or so it’s been every night, screaming and shouting, crying, telling her little sister she’s disgusting. Im pretty sure she’s heard a friend saying they hate feet as usually these little quirks are copied from someone else and are forgetten about after a few months. It’s just started again and I’ve had to leave the house as am at the end of my tether with it I’m a single parent working 3 jobs to pay for their hobby, am exhausted and want to chill on the rare evenings I am at home. Last night it was just as we sat down to the tea dd16 had requested and I’d spent ages making and I ended up going to my room instead of eating. I’m going to have to go back as dd12 is messaging me begging and saying she’s throwing things at her and screaming but I just can’t cope with the meltdowns anymore and needed away from it as no amount of reasoning was working. I used to just tell dd to put her socks on but don’t feel she should get to dictate something like this so have stopped and this is why it’s escalated. Any advice. I’ve had no problem with her in 16 years apart from some bits of other nasty words towards her sister from time to time so minister of this is just an excuse. I highly doubt she’s truly triggered by her feet. No other issues. I’m stumped!

I have to be honest I would have momentarily calmed it by asking dd12 nicely to put socks on. I see no point in just watching it escalate.

I did say I used to do this, but never being allowed bare feet in your own home seems too much and I have calmly explained to her on a number of occasions lately that she can’t control this and it’s unreasonable to demand it. I can’t keep making dd12 be uncomfortable just to appease her

This only started 'recently' and out of the blue?
Please get her checked out medically. I've heard some awful stories of encephalitis and other conditions suddenly causing strange and extreme behaviour/emotions.

Exactly this and tell your older daughter to get a grip and grow up!

Like who? The NHS is so stretched, waiting lists for mental health support are so long. Not liking your sisters bare feet is not going to be something that she gets support for anytime soon. If she has a genuine phobia of her sisters feet then OP would need to go private

I think it’s unfair to cancel a competition especially for a young adult. Don’t agree with multiple punishments at the one time either. Seems a bit overkill stopping pocket money no phone grounding etc

I’ve not done any of those things apart from the competition because her behaviour toward her sister tonight was awful and on the back of this thread and for lack of any other ideas that’s all I could come up with. Will welcome any other suggestions.

I don’t think you should be made to feel guilty by other posters about punishment you’ve chosen for your daughter. You know her better than anyone on this thread and sometimes kids need to learn actions have consequences.
it’s amazing how invested some people get in how they would hypothetically parent other people’s children and assume they would handle situations so much more effectively.
It is a shame to cancel the competition and yes your daughter will probably be sad but maybe she will think about that before massively overreacting to her sister’s feet.
I’m sure you’re doing really well raising your 2 daughters without support from their dad.

Tell the dd16 to go eat her dinner in her room

I hate feet, can’t even look at my own. I can tolerate children’s feet though. I’m guessing your younger daughter’s feet have crossed the line into looking like adult feet.
Can’t you agree socks round the house but bare feet in her own room/bathroom?

Slightly changing angle here. Your dd12 knows about this extreme reaction the sight of her bare feet provokes in her sister.

Any chance she might now be doing it on purpose to wind her up?

Take a breath. Get some sleep and call a family meeting tomorrow. Backtrack on your decision to stop dd16 competing at the weekend as she sounds like she works hard at this and it may be letting others down too. And wasting money. But say you are NOT prepared for an almost-adult to carry on behaving in this way and get her to come up with some alternatives and suggestions for what she does instead. Why can’t she just leave the room for example? Try to ask her to consider why other people’s feet wouldn’t be an issue but her sisters are? Tell both dds that you guys need to be a team and that she you’re working you need their support not them falling out. Perhaps dd12 could consider wearing slipper socks sometimes also… is she the wind up type?
Just be honest and real with them but remind them their interactions need to be respectful too. And plan a chill evening or a treat after the meeting.

I’m the same with feet but would never and have never demanded other members of my family wear socks when they feel more comfortable in bare feet. My only rule is please try not to let your bare feet touch me. DD1 cannot go around demanding everyone wears socks because she doesn’t like feet. It’s not fair on everyone else.

This makes me said for your children, my sister assaulted me several times in our mid teens and my parents had the same view as you - minimal consequences in comparison to the event.

Mine and my sister’s relationship is terrible & I’m low contact with my parents.

I cannot believe that there are people on this thread suggesting that a 16-year-old who behaves like a tantrumming toddler should be pandered to by making her sister wear socks.

Pull up your big girl panties and read your 16 yo the riot act.

Do not abandon your younger child to the bullying and violence she is being subjected to.

If she isn't normally like this, why is your first assumption that DD1 is being "naughty" and to give a punishment, rather than thinking that her reaction is so off kilter that there must be something going on.

This

If she's thrown things, they must all be picked up and put away. If anything has been damaged, it must be replaced by DD16 using her own money or by docking her pocket money.

She needs to write a full and sincere apology to you and to her sister for the violence. Do not shirk from that word. The word must be used in the written apology, and the phrase 'unreasonable demand' must be used also.

If this girl was a 16 yo boy, I think many posters here would be singing from a very different song sheet

Tell DD that if there is one more word from her about her sister's bare feet, you will take away her phone, she will receive no more pocket money for six months, and you will end the participation in the hobby.

Do not put up with this nonsense. Make sure she understands that she answers to you, and that you will not let her inflict violence on anyone in the house.

Do not ask DD12 to wear socks or slippers or anything else on her feet. I guarantee if you do this the older girl will find something else to throw tantrums about - sister breathing too loudly, sister smelling of shampoo, sister sneezing more than once...

OP is there more to this?
has she got other stressors at the moment?
her focus on her hobby, meltdowns, selective phobias etc might be an indicator for autism- it often doesn’t become apparent until teens.

Where in the UK do you live?

And you’ll then end up like the poster who has the whole family walking on eggshells around a demanding controlling “d” d. Who gets to say who eats when and where, what tv programmes they can watch and what they can do at home to avoid ‘upsetting’ her…