Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

@stomachamelon My ex husband has no legal obligations to me financially.
How do I make my husband put money in the pot?

You have the occasional coffee while he has an EV that his parents fund????

I'm starting to think you're winding us up @BestBefore2000 because I'm getting the rage!

@stomachamelon Unfortunately my current job doesn't allow for work in the school holidays as it's with young people and the service doesn't run outside of school hours.

@Slightyamusedandsilly Absolute truth. I can't complain about struggling if I'm affording luxuries.

No, but it'd be interesting to see his response to how much his half would be.

I have a teacher friend who does out of hours (and holiday) work at a children's home. They're always hard up for staff. NOT that I think you should do it. But I think he's under estimating how much all that extra childcare would cost.

Edited to say a coffee and a fully-funded EV are NOT the same thing. One costs £4, the other 50K plus.

@Slightyamusedandsilly He says we'd just have to use our AL but at separate times 😆

How do you feel about him?

In our family the older generations have always been very kind and generous with their money. If an emergency comes up they often pay or loan for it. My mum just helped me with a $10k loan to pay off my credit cards so I can avoid the high interest. Our cell phones are still paid for by my husbands parents and we are 45. We pay for our kids who are grown’s phones and emergencies and extras.

it’s nice to have family that all see money as a blessing to share rather than hoard away. I will happily give up my own money before my time comes you have fewer needs when you are old or else it all goes on care etc.

Sound like a controlling relationship and somewhere I wouldn’t want to be. Sounds like it’s all about him and what he wants. Good luck, sounds like you need it.

When you are in a partnership, all the money goes in the pot and you pay bills and everything else out of that. He sounds like someone in a relationship playing single. Bet he thinks you should do all the drops offs, pick ups, childcare, cleaning and housework too.

Nope I haven’t took money or asked for money off my mum since I started working at 17. My siblings however are a whole other story. My brother even got gifted a car from my dad which he then sold and kept the money. Tbh I didn’t really care, my mum was more pissed than me and even had a go at my brother because she said it wasn’t fair. I told her too chill it wasn’t a big deal but she still goes on about it too this day and it was about 10 years ago. My sister borrows money all the time left right and centre. Granted she does pay it back at payday but it’s a vicious circle of borrowing, paying back then having to borrow again. My brother borrowed money from my mum years ago which he still hasn’t paid back. She hasn’t leant him nothing since.

Nope I haven’t took money or asked for money off my mum since I started working at 17. My siblings however are a whole other story. My brother even got gifted a car from my dad which he then sold and kept the money. Tbh I didn’t really care, my mum was more pissed than me and even had a go at my brother because she said it wasn’t fair. I told her too chill it wasn’t a big deal but she still goes on about it too this day and it was about 10 years ago. My sister borrows money all the time left right and centre. Granted she does pay it back at payday but it’s a vicious circle of borrowing, paying back then having to borrow again. My brother borrowed money from my mum years ago which he still hasn’t paid back. She hasn’t leant him nothing since.

@BestBefore2000 your ex husband surely has obligations to your joint children though?
With regard to your current issue if he won’t pay more in could you give him more responsibility or things to pay from his account? Tip the balance that way? Council tax? Car maintenance? Gas and electric? Get another job in the holidays?

There’s nothing wrong with parents helping their adult children financially if they can afford it. Better that than wait until they die and have to hand over 40% to the govt.

My parents still give us an allowance every month and I am 46. It’s only £500 but it does make a difference (we live in a big house as I had inheritance which allowed us to buy a £1m house with only a £150k mortgage). My parents are multi millionaires though and we earn middle income professional wages (about £80k between the 2 of us). They gifted my sibling a house and pay for our holidays too. If I was in their position I would want to share my wealth with my children.

I don't know.

Why does he not share their largesse with you? I think that's the question you should be asking yourself. Ultimately his parents don't owe you anything. But he's your husband. You're married. He's supposed to love you. But he doesn't share anything with you. None of his income. None of the money they give him. Nothing. He's happy to let you struggle.

I think you're focusing on the wrong issue.

My father in law pays his kids (in their 40’s) £100 a month ‘pocket money’. Says he’d rather give with a warm hand than a cold.

@stomachamelon We only have one child together whom I receive the CB for.

Update...he says he wants to go to an independent advisor who can suggest a "fair" way of sharing our finances. Is there such a person?
I am so up for that it's untrue!!!! 😄

Sorry I meant your older Children. One still at school? One at uni? Who is supporting them?

You need to push back. Why is all the thinking, juggling, doing all being left to you? You need to start making other peoples (men’s) lives awkward!

Changing work might be better to reflect your commitments. Even if you worked term time only as a TA you would be paid pro rata and given sick pay. It’s that sort of stuff that tips the balance.

Keep rattling his cage :)

My parents and DH's continue to gift money through our lives. Generally larger amounts for a 'reason' - eg marriage, house purchase, but also on my side just because they don't need it so are passing it on regularly, on DHs they offer to pay for things like our new drive. One set of my grandparents did the same although to a much lesser monetary amount.

I intend to do the same for my kids, aswell as spend money doing nice things with them like days out and holidays.

My parents were always really decent with me and my siblings financially. My Mother’s saying was ‘there’s no pockets in a shroud’. I lived in a house that they owned for a long time. They gave us all deposits for our own properties. They paid all the school fees for the grandchildren (mine were home educated - but they paid for a lot of travel instead). They could so they did … 🤷🏼‍♀️ I didn’t feel guilty, I also never asked them for anything…

I do this with my children. We can afford it. They will inherit the money when we die. I would rather help now when they need it. It is not a regular payment ,but I will pay fof the vrandchildrens'school trips and contribute to their holidays.
We take them out fkr meals and help with unexpected bills.
They nevet ask. They are gfateful. They are hardworking. The more they get now,the less they will be tadked when we die.

@stomachamelon One at uni, one A-Levels and living with us just under half the time. They are both in the enviable position of being able to attend uni with no loans and are well looked after financially when with dad (my ex-husband is not far off millionaire status). No maintenance has ever been payable of course.
I was a ft TA for a number of years when my daughter was small, but the pay was so horrifically low it just wasn't fiancially viable.

My parent's don't give me anything and haven't since the odd £50 in uni. Didn't help with house or any costs since I left home (didn't have the money originally and now I just wouldn't ask unless I was desperate). They did give me and my siblings £10k eaxh when they sold some of their property about 5 years ago (they live in NZ), but that's it. My other half used to get things paid for when she lived at home until about 30, and then help with a house deposit, free rent and a bit for some furniture, but that was 10 years ago and it's not ongoing. I'm grateful for that initial support though - we wouldn't have got a house if she hadn't had years of living at home rent free and the £10k or something that helped for the deposit.

I'd think it was a bit weird in our 40s now though and if it was regular.