Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

I would say parents occasionally giving some money or them contributing towards a fainily holiday if they have extra cash is normal. But having parents credit card that you use regularly is less normal.

If you can afford to help your children, why not, it's a great thing to do and they will pay less inheritance tax.

My parents have helped out my Brother and I appropriately as adults and it's been a wonderful blessing. I've never expected it and have always appreciated it. Only today my Mum has given me £500 towards a car I have purchased. It's only an old banger by most people's standards, but if you know anything about the pd engine unit it older Skodas, you know. But then I have helped my parents save a good few thousand in recent years by shopping around for utilities and insurance surance on the Internet. In my opinion if you parents want to and can without conditions it's lovely. I have a friend who us nc with her abusive family and would give her eye for the compassion within my family. I know that I am blessed.

My parents have never given us a penny. They are comfortable but not rich. We earn good money and I would be mortified if they tried to give me anything. I’m aware that’s a reflection on me and a weird self-sufficient issue I have though.

@croydon15 To my mind, you have to have to have pretty wealthy parents in the first place to be hit by any IHT, no?

Dd2's pils are tax exiles so they are only allowed to visit the UK so many days a year. I wouldn't be surprised if my dm and df (fairly comfortable but not wealthy) end up paying more IHT than them as rich people have it all sorted out.

My parents both gifted me their £3000 tax free amount every year to reduce inheritance tax. They never paid for anything else. I used use this to support two of my children through masters degrees and the other to help in their first job.

My mum and dad recently passed away , in their 80s always tried to give me money and pay for things for me , hubby and kids I always refused , now that they’re gone I wish I’d let them pay for extra holidays , days out ect , as I’ve inherited everything, looking back the memories of doing those things with them would have been lovely

Again, IHT won't be an issue for either set of parents handing down.

After a very poverty-marked upbringing and a scrimping adulthood, I'm now in a relatively "comfortable" old age, due having my own good-ish pension & to downsizing after being widowed.
I took deeply to heart a remark from an advisor:

"it's better to give with a warm hand"
So, I help / have helped my only DC whenever I can.
I won't be around to enjoy the pleasure of helping my DC when I'm reduced to ashes.

I think your DILs are in the right space. Good for them.

Don’t get why your parents haven’t helped you. I help my adults kids all the time.

Normal for me at 44. And I hope I can afford to do the same when my children are older. At the end of the day if I can afford it why wouldn’t I help my adult children.

We give our kids and grandchildren lots of money, why not we can afford it.

You see, I think mature adults should be helping themselves? My husband is 50.

My DP are mid 80s with health problems. I am 49, married with 2 dc and we have had a rough time of late for various reasons (partly helping to look after both sets of elderly parents). My DP give me money every so often to make our lives easier - eg £1000 for our annual holiday which otherwise wouldn't happen, and some money towards DC hobbies and trips. DH's parents would never do this and he doesn't like to accept it. For me, I am grateful and no problem accepting it. They became grandparents later in life and never helped with the dc as they felt too old and tired, but what they can do is chuck us some money every now and then. Sadly they can't travel as DM has dementia and their main expense is carers, so they are happy to help when they can. I would do the same with my kids, I'm sure.

Both of my parents were very generous to me right up until their deaths when I was in my 60s.

My parents have never given me money since I had a full time job.
The occasional £100 cheque for birthdays, a dishwasher, a pram for my first born and they paid for the majority of my very modest wedding (25 years ago!).
My mum sadly died last year quite suddenly and I feel they could have enjoyed themselves a little more with their finances - but mum was never driven by material things tbh.
They had a mortgage once in 1967- they paid it off a year later! Before they had children.

You don’t seem to realise or acknowledge that by your husband receiving financial help you are receiving financial help.
The reality is if your DH didn’t take the help when he had spaffed all his money he would have less to put into the family pot.
You can feel like it’s separate all you want but when you are married and have a child the finances of one spouse inevitably impact the finances of the other.

That isn’t “normal “ to me .
My parents didn’t even give me a few £ when I was at university for the train fare home or as a top up when I was running low on funds ( and believe you me , I was no spendthrift )
I used my small grant and topped up funds by working in the holidays .
No house deposits , no money towards driving lessons , nothing at all .
They paid towards part of our wedding though ( I funded the rest which was a fair bit ) but that’s because they wanted it to be a larger gathering than I would have liked and they also wanted it to be near where they lived .
They always gave me birthday and Christmas gifts , same for my husband and my children.
I hear of quite ordinary grandparents funding extras like swimming lessons or music lessons but we never got that .
Also they didn’t really take my children on days out ( which costs ! ) or have them to stay over

Also, my DP have bought me a Macbook Air for my 50th. My old one is on is last legs and it is so nice to have a new one for work and study. I feel v lucky - absolutely couldn't afford to buy a laptop this good myself.

Ddad gave me his old car when he got a motability car, but admittedly it was a bit of a heap! He also gave us each a cheque for £100 every Christmas. Otherwise, we've not had anything. We lost him last year, but I know he wouldn't have seen either of us stuck if we needed help with money. Same with DM. We've very much been encouraged to earn our own money and be independent. DM is in her 70s and we'd both rather she kept her money for herself rather than give any to us, so she can have a comfortable old age. It won't go on care fees though, she wouldn't entertain the idea! 😂

Yes my parents are incredibly generous . They are retired and their mortgage is paid off . They pay for my petrol, car tax plus car and house insurance. They gift me at least another £100 per month too and if I have any unexpected bills, they pay those too. They want to spend their money now whilst I have a young family and they enjoy seeing the benefits of that. They often buy my children clothes and treat us to meals. I am beyond grateful.
My dh family have never given us a penny and that is fine too.

You have a dh problem not a problem with his parents.

i inherited small amounts from my grandparents.

aside from that I have always been self sufficient, but I invite you to consider my situation and see whether this is a good thing.

i went to uni. I got seriously ill with an auto immune disease. I needed an operation but the nhs wouldn’t even put me on the waiting list. My grandma (still alive at the time) paid for me to have it privately. I was and remain endlessly grateful. I was in and out of hospital for the third year of my degree (Cambridge) and my parents never visited, offered advice or helped pay for any of the private care that I got after grandma offered.

i have worked all my life ever since. Fourteen years ago I was in an accident which left me in constant pain and using a wheelchair. My parents did not visit and did not offer any money or other support. I needed ongoing hydro and physio for two years to relearn to walk which I had to fit around working part time because the mortgage needed to be paid.

would you see that as being strong and self sufficient or do you think that maybe, just maybe sometimes there are circumstances where families should support each other?

I’ve worked for years in a wheelchair and in constant pain. Covid made things so much worse in education as I had to cope with freezing classrooms, my then H started drinking and was violent to my daughter meaning that I left our house under police protection with my daughter and went to a hotel and went to work the next day because I fucking had to because no-one in my family was going to help me.

that’s what self sufficiency is. It’s the knowledge that when it comes down to it no-one cares enough about you to help you.

my dad is dead - covid. In the pandemic. My mum is rich. They have both always been well off.

I will never, ever, stand by while my kids endure the level of suffering and pain and getting up in the morning and vomiting with the pain but going to work because I need the fucking money because me and my daughter are trying to survive a pandemic on only my income.

fuck self sufficiency. Fuck it.

I would reset the holiday thing. I would call his bluff and say that you are considering holiday arrangements for your (joint) daughter and will need him to pay half. Same for breakfast and after school club. Perhaps the stark reality of actual responsibility will make him rethink. Maximise your earning potential if he won’t/ doesn’t want to maximise his.
It’s not all your responsibility.
He may be nice in other respects but he isn’t pulling his weight.
It took me to read through the full thread to make me realise you are married and don’t live separately.

So although he earns more, he refuses to pay in more for the weeks you're at home/earn even less, forcing you to struggle financially, AND utilises the bank of mum and dad for extras for himself.

So while you struggle financially, he's actually pretty well off. You drive an old banger while he has an EV that his parents mostly fund.

Doesn't all of this affect how you feel about him @BestBefore2000? It would give me the ick. He sounds very self-centred and selfish.