SIL thinks I made her sick :(

[FlappingAboutTheFuture]

SIL and family came round after an activity on Saturday and had dinner with us.

SIL is strictly wheat and gluten free, awaiting testing but already knows she has a severe intolerance. I take that seriously but I know lots of family members don't and SIL is quite sensitised to the idea that someone isn't taking it seriously. Which I understand, so I do my absolute best and have successfully made meals for her in the past and she does, sort of, trust me with food now.

I made a meal of: jacket potatoes, grated cheese, baked beans, houmous, guacamole, and salad.

I checked the ingredients on the beans and houmous, no wheat or gluten. I made the guacamole myself so know what went in it (avocados, lime juice, fresh coriander, fresh chilli, fresh tomato). I even checked the ingredients on the mustard that went into the salad dressing to make sure that was GF (which it was!) - salad dressing was lemon juice, olive oil, fresh garlic, and mustard.

So as far as I could establish the meal was completely wheat and gluten free but apparently SIL spent all of Sunday and yesterday being sick and rang DP past night to quiz him about what was in the meal. Obviously our kitchen isn't really a 100% safe environment as we do eat wheat and I'm an ingredients cook so there could be all sorts of cross contamination, but I did my best and she was the one who said eating here would be fine so long as the actual meal itself didn't have wheat or gluten. I feel terrible now but I'm sure it wasn't my fault but I don't think SIL will ever trust me again...

This hits the nail on the head. It’s already hard enough having an allergy/autoimmune disease, it’s even tougher with one like gluten where so many people seem to believe that it’s not actually real or you’re just fussy.

OP you sound like you tried really hard and were very kind to do so. However you also sound like the cause of the problem here in that it’s all about your feelings rather than fact.

She felt symptoms and therefore is likely interrogating everything she ate the day before. One of those meals was at her brothers house so she ask him to double check everything was truly gluten free. She’s probably doing the same with everything else she ate. The fact that you feel like she doesn’t believe you is just you and you need to get over that. She’s not being rude or difficult or finger pointy, just trying to track down what the issue is so she can avoid it happening again. Let go of charged emotions and just stick to the facts and maybe Chuck in a ‘so sorry to hear you’re not well’.

I mean its great you cut her slack.. but she really shouldn't be doing this to you. Its a big deal and part of me thinks that she obviously does remember but thinks she knows best. You're a good dil to try and see the better in her. ❤️

Absolutely, she is responsible for what she eats, no one else. Not OPs fault at all.

She might have an allergy to something else. Send her the list of ingredients, as per your earlier post hete. This will help in two ways - she'll see that you're taking her situation seriosly, and it will give her information that she can use to try to ascertain whether there are other foods she reacts to.

Sorry but I have a dairy allergy - not life threatening but caused more than one skin condition. I would not go to someone's house who was decent enough to make me a dairy free meal and then kick off accusing someone of making me ill

Completely unfair and if anyone treated me like that - they wouldn't be getting cooked for again. Ever.

She sounds like a selfish ungrateful twit

I have coeliac. It sounds safe and you did everything you could.

My husband has food intolerances and that sounds like a GF meal to me, there is always a risk of cross-contamination but that cannot be reasonably avoided in most kitchens that also have gluten so if she's that sensitive she either needs to eat only at home or accept the risk if eating out.
Just a couple of points, many people with gluten intolerance are also intolerant to dairy and you mentioned that she waiting for tests, if they're testing for coeliac disease she needs to have been eating gluten for at least 6 weeks before the test otherwise she might get a false negative.

It could be cross contamination. Potatoes on a shelf in the oven that's touched gluten, wooden chopping boards and utensils or traces left in a blender that was used for gluten. My husband needs separate oven gloves. If gluten flour is used in the kitchen it could be that as it stays in the air for ages and settles on surfaces causing cross contamination. Using cheese you have used to make a sandwich or butter. It's a nightmare, even after doing it for years I've still accidentally made my husband ill as it only takes an invisible amount unfortunately

@FlappingAboutTheFuture I’d just reiterate by messaging her yourself telling her what you told us, you hope she feels better but your as certain as you can be that it’s an unfortunate coincidence and nothing you’ve done.

Just a thought

I have coeliac disease - what mustard did you use as I used Tesco Dijon mustard which does not include gluten as an ingredient, The only time apart after that that I've had that reaction was when I ate a piece of hot tiger bread a year after beign diagnosed because it smelt good and 'it can't be that bad' - news flash it was.

Anyway the mustard has since been binned as was the only new thing (and the reaction was about 2 hours after eating if that - started feeling unwell within an hour)

I'm assuming the jacket potatoes were 'fresh' rather than frozen ones as some get coated to make them crispy and then aren''t gluten free

English mustard contains gluten and sometimes so does wholegrain but that could be it?

I think often people do not realise the extent to which cross contamination of gluten can affect someone, unless they are living with it- so potentially the oven, baking trays, yes most likely the butter dish with old crumbs in, a board not cleaned properly, other condiments like mayo etc that has been double dipped with a knife previously from making a sarnie, even touching something with gluten then touching other food could transfer it.. and I hope she was only questioning you to find out as I think anyone would with intolerances to found out if there was an obvious culprit to work it out as it can drive you crazy that you sometimes you never know if it was contamination, you ate something wrong or a bug,

it is great you went to all that effort- however in my opinion if you go to that effort to make sure someone can eat safely you need to cover all aspects- saying it’s her own fault for eating from a contaminated butter dish is a cop out when you have told her what you have provided is safe- it was not safe, because of this butter dish, so she either trusts you and eats everything that everyone else does, or she learns that even with the best well meaning intentions she will not be safe to eat at your house due to this oversight on your part as your comment about the butter dish shows that you actually don’t get it.

I prefer people to not go to any effort as it’s such a minefield and bring my own food, and still end up offending because of that!

YANBU

She sounds rude and if she's that worried then she should bring her own food.

A jar of mustard that wasn’t freshly opened and had a trace of contamination, a pot or spoon with a micro scratch, a crumb that you missed in cleaning. If she has celiac, it can be brutal for cross contamination. It is one where I would really prefer to cook in the celiac's kitchen as impractical as that would be, because I don’t think I could get my kitchen safe enough, but I still want to be a good host.

This. How can she be sure it wasn’t from eating out beforehand?

As a pp said she should probably bring her own food in future.

Perhaps SIL was made ill by the unwashed butter dish (yuk) - regardless of possible crumbs .

DS is coeliac. I'd always ask about butter/the butter dish, I wouldn't expect the host to be aware.

If in any doubt I'd ask for a new packet from the fridge. not your responsibility.

This. You did your utmost to accommodate her. She has not been diagnosed yet so she doesn’t know what’s causing the problem. She should absolutely not be blaming you.

You sound very kind. So please stop stressing over this.

You couldn't have done more.

Like others have suggested, I'd write out everything you made for her and send it asap. With a suggestion that in the future she must bring all her own food. As you resent the implication that you made her ill? Especially as you went out of your way to cater to her specific needs.

Hi OP. I feel for you, but try not to take it to personally.

I imagine your SIL is just panicking, trying to deal with a change in circumstances and just trying to find out what might have set it off. Not having a go at you personally.
As pps have said, supply all the information about the food you've given here, if not all of it was on the first missive and wish her well.

She's learning to deal with it.. and you tried your best on the information you were given at the time.

For goodness sake. Stop nitpicking

Did she drink cordial with barley in it?

Try not to take it personally. We’ve been to family gatherings where people have made stuff that should have been gluten free but wasn’t and so I can understand her desire to work out where things went wrong. We’ve eaten at many family gatherings many times since without issue.

It sounds like she hasn’t formally been diagnosed yet so she’s also probably still working things out. As someone else mentioned, if she’s seeking a coeliac diagnosis she won’t be able to get one without continuing to eat gluten.

Yes I thought mustard straight away
I’m coeliac and I know that mustard can have wheat in it which is often not listed I read somewhere that mustard powder is ok as wheat hasn’t been added yet so I use that in sauces and all is well but it might have been the cause of her reaction.
You did try your best but gluten can sneak in to things we don’t consider like mustard malt vinegar etc so it can be tricky, just learn from it and move on.

If she’s not been confirmed coeliac and only at the point of having the gluten testing then she should be eating the gluten anyway otherwise the test is pointless. Don’t feel bad it’s most likely her eating outside that’s done it, I have food intolerances and I find outside catering awful.

The mustard i use has flour in so this thread has helped me! Sister is gluten free