SIL thinks I made her sick :(

[FlappingAboutTheFuture]

SIL and family came round after an activity on Saturday and had dinner with us.

SIL is strictly wheat and gluten free, awaiting testing but already knows she has a severe intolerance. I take that seriously but I know lots of family members don't and SIL is quite sensitised to the idea that someone isn't taking it seriously. Which I understand, so I do my absolute best and have successfully made meals for her in the past and she does, sort of, trust me with food now.

I made a meal of: jacket potatoes, grated cheese, baked beans, houmous, guacamole, and salad.

I checked the ingredients on the beans and houmous, no wheat or gluten. I made the guacamole myself so know what went in it (avocados, lime juice, fresh coriander, fresh chilli, fresh tomato). I even checked the ingredients on the mustard that went into the salad dressing to make sure that was GF (which it was!) - salad dressing was lemon juice, olive oil, fresh garlic, and mustard.

So as far as I could establish the meal was completely wheat and gluten free but apparently SIL spent all of Sunday and yesterday being sick and rang DP past night to quiz him about what was in the meal. Obviously our kitchen isn't really a 100% safe environment as we do eat wheat and I'm an ingredients cook so there could be all sorts of cross contamination, but I did my best and she was the one who said eating here would be fine so long as the actual meal itself didn't have wheat or gluten. I feel terrible now but I'm sure it wasn't my fault but I don't think SIL will ever trust me again...

But it could be a sickness bug.

It sounds like you were really careful and considerate OP so don’t beat yourself up. My MIL is Coeliac and has never been ill from eating food at my house (that she’s told me anyway!) but she likes eating out and is often ill after having supposed gluten free meals at pubs or restaurants. It’s much more likely to be that than anything you provided.
When she come we always make sure we have a separate and new tub of butter for her as well as making sure any bread is cut on separate chopping boards/toasted on a clean tray on the grill rather than in the crumby toaster. We always store any gluten free food and snacks on a separate work surface as well, all that has worked for us to eliminate cross contamination. If your SIL is more sensitive to gluten than reasonable adjustments allow, better she brings her own food

It seems like you tried really hard and it’s really kind of you to do so. Eating out and eating at friend’s houses is a massive risk when you are sensitive and really she needs to take some responsibility. Even a friend cooking with a wooden spoon that was insufficiently rinsed can be an issue.

She shouldn’t have used the butter from a contaminated dish.
She should be aware of barley, oats, rye and spelt as well as wheat.
She should have asked where the jacket potatoes were cooked as if they were directly on the shelf where pizzas are cooked or in a pan that wasn’t totally cleaned out then cross contamination could have easily happened.
She should have checked ingredients on packaging herself where possible including drinks. Different cola’s or lemonades can often have barley in.

She could have been affected from anywhere if she had already eaten out that day too.

Hopefully she is just trying to figure out what happened and so she can be more wary in the future.

I thinkthat you were very kind and considerate and went to some trouble to accomodate her. i also think that she needs to check herself - if she acts like this again shes going to find her world and experience gets very small and confined, because no one is going to want to invite her over or host her if she gets accusatory and starts interrogating her hosts. You may get to the point where you either dont invite her for meals, or ask her to bring her own in a container. That would be a shame as meals are so convivial , but thats how its going to end up if she doesnt stop and think, hang on, am I dealing with this the right way, or am I alienating my family and friends??

It sounds more like a stomach bug or virus tbh

My MIL is coeliac, only diagnosed at 60. She would constantly go on about being 100% coeliac and cross contamination. We always catered to her needs and everytime she would ring the next day and say she was really ill and we must have fed her gluten. No MIL, the four wispas and tub of pringles you ate after you left our house made you unwell (Thank you FIL)

It couldn't be a sickness bug or contamination from anything else? Its not your fault she got ill. If things are really that bad for her she should either be making it herself or just not eating anywhere but home. Its really not your fault, it sounds like you made everything correctly.

No, asked SIL to bring her own. That way she is assured no reaction (apart from mysterious flare ups you sometimes can´t explain).

It was probably cross contamination unfortunately. Just a knife that had been used to cut bread or some flour in the air from baking settling on her plate, could do it.
I have a good friend with coeliac disease and she doesn't let anyone else cook for her. It's just too hard to guarantee a safe outcome in a normal kitchen, however hard you work at it. Maybe SIL needs to bring her own meal in containers in future. What a pain for you all especially after you tried so hard.

I'm confused on a couple of fronts here. When I was suspected of being coeliac, I was told by my GP and Hospital to continue eating normally until the tests were completed and the results known because the tests only work properly if gluten is still in your system. So I think she maybe telling you porkies!

Secondly, as particular as you were, and its very clear you were more than accommodating and completely took onboard her issues, cross contamination can occur if gluten is frequently used in your home or indeed in the manufacturing process at the factories which produced items you purchased. You went above and beyond and to be honest its unlikely it was as a result of anything you did, I'm with the others that say its probably a bug.

I'd send her a message setting boundaries along the lines of

"Hi [Name], I’m really sorry to hear you were unwell afterwards — that must have been horrible. I just wanted to reassure you that I took your dietary needs seriously and was really careful when I made the meal as per the details I sent you. I double‑checked every ingredient and kept things separate as best as I could.

That said, because our home isn’t fully gluten‑free, there’s always a small chance of cross‑contamination even when I’m being very cautious. It’s also possible you picked up a bug or reacted to something unrelated — I know things can be unpredictable while you’re waiting for your tests.

I really want you to feel comfortable at family gatherings, and I’d love for you to keep coming. If it helps you feel safer, you’re absolutely welcome to bring your own food next time. Whatever makes things easiest for you.

I care about you and just want us all to enjoy time together.

or if you want to be a bit firmer

Hi [Name], I’m sorry you felt so unwell — that sounds awful.

I want you to know I took a lot of care preparing the meal and checked everything to make sure it didn’t contain gluten. Because our kitchen isn’t a gluten‑free environment, there’s always a small risk of cross‑contamination even when I’m being very careful, and of course it could also have been a bug or something unrelated.

I really want you to feel comfortable at family events, so if it gives you more peace of mind, you’re more than welcome to bring your own food in future. I’d much rather you come and enjoy yourself without worrying.

So insensitive. the woman is clearly trying to understand what is triggering a long term and horrible illness in her and you accuse her if rudeness for wanting to know exactly what she ate. shame on you.

OP, cut her some slack. she needs to ask these questions it doesn’t mean you are being targeted. For all you know this might help unearth some other intolerance she has. Just be crystal clear on what you did, if all the chopping boards, knives etc were cleaned before use this will be useful information to her because it means it’s less likely to be cross contamination. send photos of the mustard ingredients etc because maybe they have “may contain wheat”. it will also help with peace of mind for both of you.

She shouldnt have to keep quiet and not investigate what her trigger could have been for fear of offending people.

Tell her to bring her own food in future that she's bought or cooked herself. It's the only way to ensure it doesn't happen again.

I would have thought the beans were the culprit. I always imagined that the sauce thickener would contain gluten

You did your best. If she's that sensitive, she probably shouldn't risk trusting anyone's kitchen but her own. That's what I'd do in her position. Expecting someone to completely change everything about the way they run their kitchen for just one meal is too big an ask.

As the parent of a child with a food allergy - I’ve not yet found a way to do the tracing back without people feeling like it’s finger pointing.

Generally I’m looking for where I’ve dropped the ball, as it’s on me to control what goes into my mouth / her mouth. But working that out means poking deeper than the initial discussion about the meal does and that poking always seems to land badly.

If you can, try and take the positive that she’s comfortable eating at yours, and also asking clarifications later. If might also be worth asking gently for an update if ever pins down what it was so that you can learn for future. It may well be that the restaurant comes out as the likely culprit, or that trace crumbs are an issue for her but didn’t realise previously.

I love tapas too so I feel the same. Prawns in chili and garlic oil are sorely missed. Never liked olives so that's OK!.
I haven't had issues with onions... I hope that isn't in my future. But actually i rarely eat raw onion. The garlic thing only started about 7 or 8 yrs ago.

My garlic thing started in maybe 15 years ago, has got worse as I have got older, and had a step change when I had children.

Think she's possibly using this incident to make a point about how serious her intolerances are, seeing as she's sensitive about not being taken seriously.
Shame she had to focus on the one person who does.

Don't think your meal made her ill. Sense you have been scapegoated to create interest.

No you don’t! That test isn’t accurate and also has a high percentage of false negatives! It’s still used as it’s far cheaper than the genetic blood test which is a yes or no answer and you don’t need to eat gluten with it! With a yes to genetic then you go on to have endoscopy and colonoscopy to do the further diagnosis

Lots of people who have issues with gluten also have dairy intolerances too - sounds like it could be the cheese 🤷‍♀️ OR sil just has picked up a 24 hour bug!! Has she even considered that?!?!

Refuse to feed her anymore as you don’t want her blaming you whenever she gets a tummy bug or whatever

These replies are not it! Do you guys know how terrifying and uncomfortable it is to trust other people to make food for you with an allergy? Bring your own food everywhere you go - yes lots of people do that all the time but it can often be pretty miserable and if someone cares for you enough to try and make you safe food that is invaluable and appreciated!
OP, I would expect she appreciates your effort and just wants to figure out what happened. It is also VERY awkward to question people that you know are really trying for you but there really is no other option unless she’s never going to eat with you again. It’s not personal, just health. You and she are both learning and for her to have you learn with her will be so precious in the long run.
Crumbs in the butter is a very likely reason. Or another cross contamination. Or as others have said barley in anything?
Also, if she’s testing for coeliac, removing gluten before will invalidate the test.
Good luck to you all.

I would say it’s carelessness rather than deliberate and coming from a culture with no tolerance for food allergies/intolerances. It’ll be things like a splash of soy sauce, non gf stock cubes etc. DH gets very angry with her.

Ok phew lol. I was worried she was being nasty!

She minimises my autoimmune disease and cardio illness but even I’ll admit she doesn’t deliberately poison me! Although I would have thought after 17 years with DH she’d remember I can’t have gluten.