Would you date someone who’d been in prison?

[Fearlesssloth]

Sorry for keeping this vague but don’t want it to be too identifying. I’ve been very casually seeing a guy who I met recently through friends. Although I’ve only known him a few months, a number of my friends have know him since school. He got out of prison not that long ago. He was in for quite a few years. Without going into too much detail, his crime has to do with drugs and associating with some dodgy people. There was no violence involved and he was barely an adult when he was convicted. He’s genuinely a lovely guy and it’s clear he has some trauma from his time in prison. It’s clear he’s done his best to get his life back on track, doesn’t do drugs or drink anymore, and is working full-time. I feel a little conflicted about the prison thing though for various reasons. Would you date someone who’d done a long sentence if the crime wasn’t directly violent? And before anyone says this - yes I know he probably indirectly caused a lot of violence through what he was doing at the time but I’m talking about his specific crime

In for a long time, not long out and understandably has some trauma....

No, not now. I think he needs time to deal with all that before starting a relationship. At least a couple of years.

No because I'm not stupid.

If he has recently been in prison, I think he probably needs time to adjust to normal life again before getting into relationships. It is possible for people to change, but only time will tell whether he will reoffend and as self preservation I probably wouldn't get involved if in your situation.

I once met someone on a dating site who seemed nice enough. Second date, staying at her flat (lesbians, very normal) she told me 'if you want to see me again, I need to tell you something' and proceeded to tell me that she'd done life for killing someone (manslaughter).

In her 20s she'd drank driven, crashed the car and killed her friend who were her passenger. She'd been barely bruised in the incident.

I did continue to date her. She was late 40s at this point, full of regret still and had a lot of trauma. We split for different, unrelated reasons.

So yes, depending on circumstances, I might. But I am not saying I would advise anyone else to do so.

It’s obviously not the same but the principal is, surely? It’s about redemption and whether we believe people should be given a second chance whether that’s a second chance to earn an honest living or a second chance to share their life with someone.

It wouldn’t be a blanket no from me but obviously it’d be something to consider carefully. If he was barely an adult when he’s was convicted then presumably he got involved with criminality when he was a teenage child?

i think you want to, so do it, but do it all really really slow.

I absolutely believe that people can turn their lives around, so overall, possibly. But this was recent, and there's a difference between shoplifting in your late teens and a drugs charge.

However, I have a job with advanced security clearance (with partner interviews to get that clearance, including renewals), so it's a no. Also consider travel - he would not be eligible for most visa waivers, and possibly not many visas either. Which again would be a massive no from me as travel is a big part of my life. He also wouldn't be able to relocate if that is a goal of yours (e.g. Australia, NZ, US) as he wouldn't be accepted.

I believe in second chances and that people can turn their lives around however, no, I wouldn't. I'd be worried about being a target of dodgy people from his past, dodgy prison friends, employment prospects, risk of relapse. It hasn't been that long.

I agree. I think people tend to think criminals are like a different breed of people. In reality they are just like you and I but in most cases have had difficult starts in life and made poor decisions which have (rightly) carried serious consequences. As an example (because there’s good stats on this - Something like 1/3 of the prison population have been in care whereas they account for less than 2% of the population. Kids who have been in care are about 10x more likely to have been in prison by the time they are 24. these kids are not born different - they were dealt a shitty hand in life. There but for the grace of god go I (or my kids).

A prison sentence will affect you for life, rightly or wrongly. It will forever limit your work options and will come up any time an employer does a police check.

@Fearlesssloth

It is interesting that the majority of replies have been a “no” but you have written long paragraphs and justifications in support of this man.

You do not get to a criminal conviction and long jail sentence easily.

Think about this.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for broken men.

Your posts read like you are trying to make a square a circle.

Hard no from me. Largely because I have DC and also because I might never fully relax.

Just interested to know what baggage one is carrying if one prefers not to date ex-cons?

It seems to me to be a normal and common preference for your average law-abiding citizen who has never been at any risk of doing time, rather than a form of baggage.

No, definitely not. I'd rather date someone without a criminal past.

This is true and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to choose not to date someone because they’ve been in prison. However, lots of comments on this thread are far more judgemental than “ I’d worry about his job prospects”.

No plus I couldn’t stand the shame of people finding out.

I’d do this too. People can turn their lives around, he sounds like he’s made a decent start at it so far from what you have said. One diff of a strike and he’s gone though I’d suggest x

Without being Pollyannerish, he’s been sentenced, he’s paid for his mistakes ,and who knows what he is truly capable of making of his life if no-one is willing to give him a chance. You say he was very young when his crimes were committed. He’s no doubt older, yes he will have been affected and influenced I dare say by his time in prison, but if he is now showing genuine signs of remorse and wanting to live a decent life, let him show you.

If you enjoy his company, you see he is trying to find his way to a better way of living, if he is respectful of and to you, then yes spend time with him. But, and I say but again….take it slowly.

Nope. Never. It would be a dealbreaker for me, whatever it was.

‘Would you date a convicted drug dealer?’

Nope.

He wouldn’t survive long as a drug dealer without being a menacing bastard.

absolutely no way: have some common sense and standards.

Personally no, as I have children and i’d never want to risk bringing any trouble to my door. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in second chances, as I do, but my DC come first and I wouldn’t date someone with a criminal record. Even if he is a changed person, other ex cons may still hold a grudge. You could be out having a quiet drink when someone recognises him etc. I just wouldn’t want that kind of trouble.

Nope, but I’d wish him well. Just not with me.

No because remember it's highly unlikely he got a custodial sentence first offence

Every crime has a victim. If you were a victim how would you feel?