Would you date someone who’d been in prison?

[Fearlesssloth]

Sorry for keeping this vague but don’t want it to be too identifying. I’ve been very casually seeing a guy who I met recently through friends. Although I’ve only known him a few months, a number of my friends have know him since school. He got out of prison not that long ago. He was in for quite a few years. Without going into too much detail, his crime has to do with drugs and associating with some dodgy people. There was no violence involved and he was barely an adult when he was convicted. He’s genuinely a lovely guy and it’s clear he has some trauma from his time in prison. It’s clear he’s done his best to get his life back on track, doesn’t do drugs or drink anymore, and is working full-time. I feel a little conflicted about the prison thing though for various reasons. Would you date someone who’d done a long sentence if the crime wasn’t directly violent? And before anyone says this - yes I know he probably indirectly caused a lot of violence through what he was doing at the time but I’m talking about his specific crime

I wouldn't but there are several types of people I wouldn't date. Unconvicted drug dealers are another.

One of my relatives is a criminal solicitor, I'd rather not have someone who could be a client of theirs at family functions!

Women are not rehabilitation centres for hapless men.

I wouldn't date someone who'd recently been released after a long sentence for dealing drugs, no.

I think you're going to go ahead anyway so... Good luck with that.

Yes, there’s a remote possibility for drugs offences but not for any other .
However, if he was young and it was his first offence and he got a long sentence then he will have been involved in the supply of large quantities of Class A drugs and hung out with some very shady people which isn’t great.

If you like him and he is managing to hold down a job then go for it but keep yourself alert, at least for a while.

No. I'd rather die alone or surrounded by cats than date someone who had been in prison.

I worked in prison medical for 7 years and my answer would be a flat no. I don't take on "projects". Only well rounded, emotionally adult men. You can't change people.

It's very difficult to say yes or no. I wouldn't say a blanket no, as some have done, without knowing the full circumstances. People are given second chances all the time, very often with positive results. Sounds like he is making a concerted effort to rehabilitate since his release and is trying to get his life back on track.
What are those around you saying? You have friends who knew him before prison and have maintained that friendship. They seem to have welcomed him back into the friendship grou
What supports are in place for him going forward?
Only you can decide how things will develop going forward. You are developing feelings for him. Talk to.him, talk to those around you who have known him in the past and know him now. Perhaps talk to support services. I think in this instance a group of strangers with very limited knowledge is not the way forward in determining how you proceed.
I wish you luck and really hope that everything works out well for you in the future.

Maybe. I wouldn’t want to say a blanket no. But there is a difference between someone who committed a crime when they were very young and didn’t know any better, as opposed to someone who has done it quite recently. (Assuming you both are older than like 21 or 22, because if you were that young it would be possible for him to have been young when it happened and for it to have been recent.)

What I think does go in his favour here is that you have mutual friends. Those people probably know the truth about what happened and what he’s like, so you’re not just dependent on what he is telling you.

I’m assuming you don’t have kids. If kids were involved then it might be a definite no.

Since it seems you’re already in a relationship with him I’m not sure why you’re asking.

If this man was sentenced to a long stretch in prison, then the crime must have been significant. I would Google his name or search online on your local newspaper, as it's likely it ended up in the Courts section. If he was under 18 at the time, then may be not but if he was an adult, then you may find more information.

Yes, people can turn their life around. However, if he's recently out of prison, you haven't seen evidence of that over a longer period. If he'd been out of prison 10 years, then I may not dismiss a relationship. Someone who's been out weeks/months or even only a year or so, isn't long enough to prove anything.

If I had children, there's no way I'd entertain the idea of bringing a man who's been in prison into their life.

i don’t think ultimately I’d be able to trust them, I’d always have doubts. You can’t build a relationship without trust, so I’d not get over that part

Give him a chance …people can change 😊

I don’t really think most people are good or bad most people, like 75% + of people are just a mix of both, however that is not what you are asking here.

I would not consider someone who served a long stretch for drug dealing as a suitable life partner no. He might be on that 75% category but he has been massively damaged by dealing drugs, spending chunks of his life around similar people, being in jail and the genuine bad things he would have to at best witness, at worst participate in those phases of his life. Those experiences change people for the worse even if they are not bad people as such. To recover from that would take at least 5-10 years of solid work and getting to know and understand himself and you have said he is out a short time.

I would definitely wonder why you are so lacking in boundaries for yourself here too. This is the one life you get and as you can see for most on here this past is a big red flag yet you are trying to find ways to ignore that.

No, I’d stay well clear. You don’t get a long sentence for nothing.

This, exactly.

And how is it a “life sentence” if they can’t find a partner? @Uptownfonk

There are plenty of lovely smart law abiding women with no prison record on here who are not able to find a partner! Same for men too. No-one is entitled to a partner.

His life isn’t over if he can’t find a partner and realistically there will be someone who wants to date a man like his - even if it’s a woman with a questionable past herself.

But no, there shouldn’t be any expectation on women to give these men a chance. If something goes wrong - as it often does- people would blame the women for a lack of good judgment.

I very much believe in second chances. From personal experience people can change their lives around. A very close relative went to prison on three separate occasions in the 80’s. Turned their life around completely after the third stint. Devoted husband, dad and friend. Also held down a very good and high respected job, whilst being totally honest about his past and also helped a few people to change their lives around.
However, please look in to Clare’s Law, and be cautious of any red flags and protect yourself.

NO and I have worked in forensic units.

That doesn't mean I dont believe in second chances but it does mean its not going to be me or my children that provide it I'm afraid.

Too much risk, and I have seen and heard too many things in my job to ever willingly go into such a relationship.

Of course she can

I probably wouldn’t but I wouldn’t judge anyone else for dating someone that had been in prison. A friend went to prison for similar, got a degree inside, has turned their life around and has a great job now and a new girlfriend who knows about his past.

Absolutely No . Set yourself some standards.

No.

No. Too much baggage.

My husband was in prison 7 years ago for five weeks for a driving offence. He had a suspended sentence originally but missed a day of community service (I was having a miscarriage) and so was sent to prison. Rightly, may I add. His actions had been stupid and put people at risk.

However, he has completely turned his life around.

If someone got out 10 years ago from a minor drug charge and has their life together, I wouldn't mind. Some violent crime? Nope.

Someone who just got out from prison, has trauma and is trying to figure themselves out. I wouldn't. I could be a supportive friend but I don't think I would want to date them.

Well, the most obvious answer is because the writing-off of people who have been to prison doesn't just extend to having a partner, does it? I'm sure you can use your imagination to apply it to almost any other area of their lives.

No, not for me. When I was young, I would have thought this sort of thing was exciting.

As you reach your 20s though, you realise it's bad news. It's not just him, he'll have dodgy mates who you'll soon find in your living room one day, feet up on the table, watching your TV, eating your food, while your boyfriend tells you he's let him stay for a few weeks.

He was in for quite a few years. Without going into too much detail, his crime has to do with drugs and associating with some dodgy people. There was no violence involved and he was barely an adult when he was convicted. He’s genuinely a lovely guy

Sorry, but that to me does not make for a "lovely guy". The "not an adult" thing has never washed with me.