Would you date someone who’d been in prison?

[Fearlesssloth]

Sorry for keeping this vague but don’t want it to be too identifying. I’ve been very casually seeing a guy who I met recently through friends. Although I’ve only known him a few months, a number of my friends have know him since school. He got out of prison not that long ago. He was in for quite a few years. Without going into too much detail, his crime has to do with drugs and associating with some dodgy people. There was no violence involved and he was barely an adult when he was convicted. He’s genuinely a lovely guy and it’s clear he has some trauma from his time in prison. It’s clear he’s done his best to get his life back on track, doesn’t do drugs or drink anymore, and is working full-time. I feel a little conflicted about the prison thing though for various reasons. Would you date someone who’d done a long sentence if the crime wasn’t directly violent? And before anyone says this - yes I know he probably indirectly caused a lot of violence through what he was doing at the time but I’m talking about his specific crime

@Fearlesssloth Your posts appear to show you've a closed mindset on this.

You asked for opinions but your own is made up.

All your posts- with respect- are bit 'arsey'.
You're defending your choice.

Fair enough but why did you post?

Yeah, I'm also grown enough to know that despite the fact that you might be attracted and falling for someone, you can still make sensible decisions about your future.

You don't have to go out with someone just because you fancy them.

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up anyway.

I wouldn't say "definitely not" but I would be really cautious. Firstly, his own account of the crime he was convicted for will definitely have been minimised and whitewashed by him AND HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY to be shown to you as "not too bad" but will definitely be worse than how you have been told it, even where you have been told it by someone other than him. Secondly, he will only have been actually convicted of what the prosecution could prove beyond reasonable doubt that he definitely did. He absolutely definitely did more things that weren't on the charge sheet but couldn't be proven.

However, I do believe in the power of redemption and it is possible for people to come out of prison determined to live life differently from now on. If he was convicted before the age of 25 then the bad decisions that put his life on the wrong track were made before his brain finished maturing. So I think I would date him, but I wouldn't be taking any risk at all of getting pregnant by him (no contraception is 100% effective) and wouldn't enter any kind of commitment with him until much much longer than I would with a man without such a history, as you need to see evidence that his decision to be a reformed character actually survives the ups and downs of life, or whether it's just a mask that will be discarded when the going gets tough.

If you’re that grown up, you’ll know that just because you fall for someone doesn’t mean you have to act on it.

The person you’re quoting didn’t say it was bad that you have feelings for this guy. Just asked why you would act on them. The fact that you don’t recognise that suggests you’re one of those people who thinks they’re powerless to resist their feelings and life just happens to them, so you probably won’t listen to anyone anyway.

No. I have my own reasons too.

Has he been able to find employment?

I dated a guy who'd been in prison. Reformed character, nice home, decent job, single Dad to his son, didn't drink or use drugs anymore.

An absolute monster behind closed doors.

Prison doesn't just take your liberty. The environment itself is like nothing we experience out here. I won't go into detail but they learn and do things in there they'd never otherwise have done and sometimes they get a liking for it.

I don't care how lovely a man presents himself. If he's been in prison, I'd run a mile. They've experienced things outside the norm and it changes how they see everything. OP this bloke spent the first years of adulthood inside. He has no frame of reference for normality. He is a criminal. It doesn't matter how much you minimise it by saying what he didn't do (no violence). He'd probably still be doing it if he hadn't got caught.

I get the feeling you want someone to say you should go for it but it won't be me. If you do, then be very careful ❤

A major challenge for people leaving prison in terms of sustainable rehabilitation is that they're often released back into the same support network that existed before they went in, in the first place. Presumably all those friends/ family were still there for him when he was at his worst, it also means all the negative influences will be seeking him out over the next while if he's not even out a full year yet.

I understand what you're saying about attraction being a powerful thing but if you let that make all your decisions for you then you're giving all your power away. You can recognise that you have chemistry with someone while simultaneously recognising that you're not in the same place/ on the same path/ they aren't the best person to champion your goals and future plans. And then you make a choice. Have you actually sat down and thought about what you want for the future in terms of lifestyle, family dynamics, income, core values, etc? If he's not aligned with those then he might be hot and charismatic but he's not your person.

Would like to start off by saying most of the people on this forum are vile bullies. The way some ""women"" on here speak to others is disgusting and borderline bullying. 10 pages of mostly vile and unnecessarily condescending comments on this thread alone. Hope youre okay.

With regards to your question, it is entirely down to you whether or not you start a relationship with this person. I would advise to proceed with caution, however. My sister dated someone who did 5 years in prison for drug related offences, and went to prison as someone he sold MDMA who died (18yo). I hated him for this. As a mother, if this happened to my child/ren I would be out for blood. The guy himself was lovely, at first. Really nice, friendly, polite, always bought my sisters flowers, helped her move house, fitted her oven for her, took her out all the time - all of it. Then after a while, came his true side. He went back to smoking weed and started heavily drinking.
Causing arguments, breaking her stuff 'by accident', stalking her, eventually dressing like her. It was terrifying.

As others have pointed out, prison has a horrific impact on these individuals that we simply cannot comprehend without experiencing it firsthand.

He told my sister he would see other inmates hanging / dead in their cells on a regular occassion. The prison guards would joke about it. Much more said than this but won't go into it as its truly horrific.

If you have children, I wouldnt date him. I also wouldnt live with him for a long time if you do choose to date him. Really take it slow.

Just because that happened to my sister doesnt mean it'll happen to you with this guy, everyone is different. But its a hell of a lot more likely given his time inside.

Whatever you decide, just be really careful. Just because hes been to prison doesnt make him a monster, and people can and do change, with the right help and support.

Choose wisely OP, really take time to think about it. I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

No

I don't know. If I liked them enough and they told me then it wouldn't make me definitely split up with them. I mean if it was violent, murder, anything to do with abusing women or kids then I would definitely chuck.

If something like drugs and it was many years ago then I'd probably not be that fussed.

If they came out about a week ago it would put me off though. Just because it's a turbulent period in their life. Adjusting to not being a criminal.

You could at least have done @Fearlesssloth the courtesy of reading her first post where she clearly states he is working full time.
Good luck @Fearlesssloth

Alexa, play “But Daddy I Love Him” by Taylor Swift.

I wouldn’t but I know those that would.

No

This sums up feelings very succinctly.

Dating is the one time I think you should discriminate.

Do I care if any of my friends have disastrous employment history, live at home, take drugs recreationally, did time previously, are alcoholics, have complicated relationships with their families? Not remotely.

But potentially heading into a committed intimate monogamous relationship where - if we get really close - our lives could be permanently intertwined; I don't see why you should risk doing it.

Nobody said anything otherwise, nobody's asking you to be a rehabilitator for goodness sake.

It's not about the preference, it's about the anger in the post.

I wouldn’t date a guy who had been in prison. It sounds like he and you are minimising what he did. Was he dealing drugs, what class drugs was he involved with, was it organized crime?
Getting a jail sentence isn’t easy.

I suspect if you had said the actual crime then the replies would have been less forgiving.

In your case OP, no because of the crime (there could be so much more to it than just using/selling drugs if in for a stretch.) Also the association with “dodgy people “. Not what I want coming to my door.
However, my partner has a criminal record from over 25 years ago. Didn’t go to prison but that was luck more than judgement.

People can change, people do stupid things, but a history of certain crimes would be a no from me. My partner is also female, no bearing on the crime, it was still a crime, but I have no fear of trouble coming to my door because of the nature and how far in the past the crime was. A mistake in her youth. It’s in the distant past, long before we met. So not a blanket no from me for anyone with a record but in your case, definitely no.

For drugs? no, he’s very unlikely not to be a user, that will just come with a ton of extra shite you don’t need. Doing and supplying drugs are not victimless crimes, it’s just the victims are often so down the food chain they’re forgotten about.

Be interesting to know the length of his sentence, any 'early release' and exactly how long he's been out.

Same x