Would you date someone who’d been in prison?

[Fearlesssloth]

Sorry for keeping this vague but don’t want it to be too identifying. I’ve been very casually seeing a guy who I met recently through friends. Although I’ve only known him a few months, a number of my friends have know him since school. He got out of prison not that long ago. He was in for quite a few years. Without going into too much detail, his crime has to do with drugs and associating with some dodgy people. There was no violence involved and he was barely an adult when he was convicted. He’s genuinely a lovely guy and it’s clear he has some trauma from his time in prison. It’s clear he’s done his best to get his life back on track, doesn’t do drugs or drink anymore, and is working full-time. I feel a little conflicted about the prison thing though for various reasons. Would you date someone who’d done a long sentence if the crime wasn’t directly violent? And before anyone says this - yes I know he probably indirectly caused a lot of violence through what he was doing at the time but I’m talking about his specific crime

No.

Set your bar higher.

No one goes to prison for the odd little minor offence - there isn’t the room in prisons for that. This guy has either done something very bad or was a persistent offender.

No. I used to teach literacy in prisons, and I feel strongly about rehabilitation and second chances, but I don’t need to date that person.

No. No I wouldn’t.

nobody goes away for a long stretch because they’re a poor little victim and nobody suffered for their crimes.

Nope. It means life will never be straightforward - from him getting decent work / money (legally) to buying a house (credit check damaged) to going on holiday (he can’t get visa waivers and if it’s drugs there are dozens of countries he can’t go to. If he moves in with you you’ll have to tell your house insurance and it will go up. And on and on and on.

Why get involved if I don’t have to? I’d find a simpler man with more options open.

No. It was always a deal-breaker for me.

Too many variables. They've been out of society and you'll be supporting them in that return. You'd also have continuous road blocks. No travel, difficulty finding jobs (his entire life) no finances built up. It'll always be a struggle.

My friend's DH is in prison & tbh I've started keeping her visits low key & I even decided to skip one of my DC birthday parties while he was awaiting trial as she insists on coming & talks about it. It would make our DC pariahs at school so they don't even know he's in prison so they don't blab to friends. I still see my friend (who moved away, closer to prison), but have distanced just to protect my family from the judgement.

No , the angst that would come with it is not worth it . Unless it’s casual and noting serious but as far as long terms relationships no . You can’t even get a visa some places without having to disclose jail time , same with jobs etc . You would be restricting yourself for life

No. It's not that I don't think that people can't change, it's just that I don't feel obliged to spin the wheel on my life to test the principle.

Hard no.

Possibly. It would depend on the specific case.

That's not true - some people have been imprisoned for many years and were actually innocent.

People don’t get sentenced for several years of prison time unless it is serious.

A good friend of mine was seeing someone who had been to prison as a 19 year old. Ten years on, he had graduated/good job etc, seemingly nice guy, but mentally he was really messed up. I was very, very glad when she decided to end things with him.

I wouldn't want to be intimately tied to someone who was only recently out of prison. For a start there's the trauma he needs to deal with. But also - he made choices not that long ago that were very poor. He's had little opportunity to demonstrate that he would no longer make poor choices if the right circumstances put him in a similar position. Recidivism rates are pretty high, especially for younger people (which it sounds like he is if he was only just an adult when he offended).

I don't agree with people who think he should be shunned. We can't keep everyone who commits a crime in jail for ever and if ex-cons just get shunned they will have little choice but to continue in that lifestyle. People need an opportunity to turn things around. But he doesn't need a girlfriend to do that and for you getting involved romantically with him is a heck of a risk.

No.

Maybe - if he had been out of prison for 10-15 years and had proven that he had changed but not if he had been released more recently than that.

You’re obviously quite young from the way you speak. I wouldn’t risk it to be honest. Young people will say these things to friends, “oh he was a really nice guy, oh he just got mixed up with something” all the while thinking he was actually a right prick. They’re not going to be the one to say it out loud. They’ll tell you the actual truth once they hit their 40s and don’t give a shit anymore 🤣

If you really must pursue it, ask for a quick look over his pre-sentence report, licence conditions and risk assessment first.

Depends. I would probably take things very slowly and see how it went - if I trusted the friends that had know him since school and they could vouch for the person. Some people do shitty things and turn their life around some never do.

Plenty of men who are a danger to women have never been convicted of a crime nor are they people that anyone would suspect of being capable of that behaviour.

It's clear that some people can be rehabilitated and some cannot. If we just write everyone off, why would anyone try to change.

I'm genuinely surprised by how many people are just saying no, without much to go on. Some people are shit people, absolutely - but some people aren't, make bad choices and pay a price for it. The deciding factor between good person and bad person is not a prison sentence alone.

By writing off anyone who's served prison time then any sentence surely is a life one. I don't agree with that.

If he’s not been out of prison that long, how can you know he’s changed?? I would feel on edge all the time. If it’s for drugs, and he was in prison a long time, he wasn’t just a middle man. I would put things on hold for at least 6 months and see where his life goes.

Absolutely not. I could never trust them with nice guy persona or not. The trauma in prison makes me laugh, what about the trauma he’s probably caused to others being involved in drugs by supplying etc? Throw it back and raise your standards.

Not a fucking chance.

I really do want rehabilitation for people but honestly no. I wouldn’t consider it.

No, even if it was for a 'lesser' crime.

Even if you thought it unreasonable that they got a prison sentence, going forward it could well affect other areas of life like unable to get certain jobs, and travel/holidays in countries where you have to declare such and can prove to be a barrier.

No I wouldn't date him.

And what does this mean? - "it’s clear he has some trauma from his time in prison."

Why do you want to date someone who's clearly traumatised?

Do you like your men to be a 'project'?

You can date them then, but most of us don’t want you. It’s not our problem that they made bad choices and we don’t have to be support humans for anyone.