Why am I still so bad at driving?

[Ihatedriving]

I've held a driving licence for more than 30 years and have driven regularly for most of that time but unlike most people have never progressed into a confident driver who will drive anywhere and now I'm in my 50s know I probably never will. For example, DD is at uni 2 hours away but I can't/won't drive there. If she needs dropping/picking up I have to wait until DH or DS are available to drive or she goes on the train. DS has only been driving 3 years and is already an excellent, confident driver.

I definitely wasn't a natural (don't have great spacial awareness) and took a while to pass my test. I've never mastered parallel parking so will only park in spaces I can drive into. I do drive everyday but only very local, familiar routes such as to work/shops/gym. When my kids were younger I did drive further afield for days out, even doing short stints on the motorway. I didn't love it but coped. However, in recent years I have regressed and lost any confidence I did have. I believe this is a combination of the increase in traffic and aggressive driving/road rage in my area (city suburb) and maybe menopause!

The other day I went to visit a friend who lives 30 minutes away. I've driven there several times but not for a few years. It involves crossing one of those big roundabouts with several lanes and exits, I always get into a tizzy on those and get confused what lane to get into. I looked at the map before going and got there fine. However, on the way back it was dark and rainy and I was having to go right round the roundabout instead of left as
on the way there so more challenging. I panicked, had trouble reading the signs/seeing the road markings in time and ended up dithering and going into the wrong lane. I got beeped at by the car behind and was forced to take the wrong exit and driving half a mile before I could turn round and re-enter the roundabout, thankfully getting it right second time around. I felt so stupid!

Why am I like this? Are some people just naturally shit drivers? I would add I've never actually had an accident but not surprising given I rarely venture more than 5 miles from home!

I lived in the land of roundabouts for a very long time @Ihatedriving.

If I am somewhere unfamiliar and the satnav isn’t clear I take the right hand lane and go round the roundabout as many times as necessary to get my bearings. Good sat nav and practice is all you need. Just because it doesn’t come naturally doesn’t mean you can’t be better at it. People that are ND or have other needs still progress with things that are difficult if they practice.

You probably won’t love it and that’s ok, but if you stop taking the easy way out and tackle it head on you can stop this from dictating how you live.

I get in the car now and drive anywhere, I get a bit nervous in unfamiliar places but it no longer makes me feel like I’ll be sick. But it didn’t happen by being passive, I changed it by driving.

I'm not a particularly confident driver but I used to drive really long distances and I was a better driver for it.

You could do the two hour drive and have a stop halfway for a coffee and a treat? That's what I tend to do with any distance.

Dear God. Lots of people don't go on holiday to shop, cook and clean in a different house. Lots of people don't own vehicles that cost the same as a one bedroom apartment.

OP sounds to me that you're a better driver than you think - you came off the roundabout safely, drove on and corrected your route. Multi lane roundabouts are really complicated and everyone gets them wrong. The lousy drivers are the ones that cause crashes. You didn't.

I lived in the land of roundabouts for a very long time

Basingstoke? Swindon? Milton Keynes?

I took the train from Bas to Reading today, because it would have taken longer and cost me more to do the journey by car, and having seen the traffic, I definitely made the right decision.

But not everywhere is on a train or bus route, especially not at the times I need - I grew up rurally and still have a lot of family in rural places. I would not choose to live rurally or semirurally if I wasn't happy with driving, as it would massively restrict my life.

What makes them good drivers is they accept the fuck up, and that they'll have to drive half a mile before they can turn around. As a result they don't try and change lane on the roundabout if it's unsafe to do so, and just suck up the added journey time, and chalk it up to experience.

This was a lightbulb moment for me when I was a sales rep in the days before satnavs, and it boosted my confidence no end.

Yes!

Also knowing that ultimately all roads are connected. If you get lost, you don't disappear. You're just on a different road and it's always possible to use that road to get to where you need to be.

I had a lightbulb moment early in my driving history- I stalled in a fairly narrow residential road, and the car behind was beeping me. Instead of getting all flustered as I normally would have, I thought, none of us can go anywhere until I've restarted the car, because there's not enough room to pass. They didn't need to tell me I was blocking the road, and beeping at me wouldn't make me start the car any quicker. So I just decided he was a that, and probably being all calm about it meant I probably started the car and got on my way again more quickly anyway. And given you couldn't go fast down that road, i doubt it made any difference to anyone.

Obviously you have to be aware of other traffic, but you don't have to take any notice of their opinions, particularly if they're being arseholes.

Find a really well recommended instructor for nervous drivers. Do some refresher lessons.

Get your eyes tested, and if needed, get glasses with antiglare coating, which will make night driving easier.

Look into getting an automatic, if you don't drive one already. They take a big element of driving out of the equation (all the footwork and manually adjusting speed).

Practice. Push yourself. Some of your lack of confidence comes from lack of driving.

Examine your self talk about driving. You're probably sabotaging your own chances of success via a negative narrative in your own head.

Imagine how proud of you your daughter will be when you sit into the car and drive her to or from her university.

Lots of people can't stand hotels where they are cheek by jowl with other people, disturbed by their comings and goings at night, eating terrible breakfasts in dining rooms etc.

Cooking when self catering is not the only way- there are things called restaurants. Even take aways!
And the owner cleans at the end of the stay. You just empty the bins.

It clearly shows you've never done it!

As for camper vans- some people have one, some spend £10K each on a cruise

If you're the poster in Scotland you might get a flat there for the cost of a camper van but you won't in the south of England!.

I'm a naturally shit driver OP. I'm confident driving at 30mph in towns or cities that I know. I just can't do anything at speed and I've got no sense of direction. I also end up in a complete panic if I don't know exactly where I'm going although Google maps has improved this a lot. I'm autistic and seem to have some dyspraxic traits.

I've had to stop motorway driving because I knew I wasn't safe, and I now have to pay for taxis for my son to get to and from university (2 hours away). This is another joy of being single. People on here tend to say that if people can't drive on motorways they shouldn't be driving but you just have to know your limits.

I know your problem is to do with lack of confidence and practice, but if you're the kind of person who doesn't enjoy driving it is hard to gain that confidence and get enough practice. Most of the time driving isn't enjoyable for numerous reasons (roads too busy, aggressive drivers, non-compliance with the rules etc) so it's difficult.

I don't think the way people learn helps at all, especially the oft repeated "passing your test is just the beginning, that's when you start really learning." Yeah, sure, but what is happening is that new drivers barely have a clue. Yes, they need to gain experience, but frankly they should all have compulsory classroom teaching in parallel with the practical so that drivers do know what to expect at roundabouts or on motorways, for example.

I think you should examine your feelings about making mistakes.

You are doing a lot of comparing yourself to others too.

Driving is about getting from Point A to Point B safely. It isn't about perfection or doing it better or worse than others.

Would CBT therapy help to stop the noise in your head / panic and enhance focus?

I used to be you OP, would avoid driving distances or to new places, would rather get a train. Then my adult son got cancer, I didn’t think twice about saying I would take him to his appointments, this involved driving 2 hours to his house then another hour on the motorway and driving into a city to a hospital, yes I was nervous but more worried about my son.

I worried about getting lost so used a sat nav which has improved my confidence 100%, if I take a wrong turn it’s no problem, in a minute or two I can be back on track. I always thought I was a bad driver but in 20 years had never had a collision with another car and never had a speeding fine, I still feel a bit anxious driving but no longer let it stop me going places.

I hope your son is OK @Johntaylorschin 💐

DH ended up in hospital for 6 weeks last year, and with no public transport between our house and the hospital I had to drive to visit him every day.

I think when you absolutely have to do something you find a way.

Simple lack of experience. I've been driving 35 years but honestly I'm no better now than I was as a youngster. I was a great driver then and still am. I passed my test on a Tuesday morning after 10 lessons age 17. Came home and my Dad handed me key cars - off you go NOW on your own, drive down to the nearest town and come back (14 mile round trip). Following day I drove myself to college - same distance. Did that daily for nearly two years and then off to uni I went driving 200 miles to get there and regularly coming home. In my 20s I worked a job where I was driving 60,000 miles a year, without a sat nav and having to simply work out where the hell i was. No one is gaining experience driving small local roads. I don't think you're rubbish, you're lacking experience and as a result getting scared. You have to decide whether you want to fix this or not though.

Im the same. Or worse now.
I passed test in 2015 as 40yrs old.
Not my car but husbands which is luxury car and he is very very precious about it.
I will only drive to very local supermarket abd school run and even that is now getting too complicated. I thought i was good on big roundabouts but sadly especially as doing right turns i am hesitant in waiting for a bigger gap so I got beeped quite lot lately and even had the van behind pulled out and overtook me just when I moved off.
This shook me that I won't go now that way even its the short way home so I drive miles around to avoid this roundabout now even i had drove there for 10 years 2x daily..
I would never go on motorway..
It got so bad that every morning I feel physically sick to point I get poos and feeling nauseous..
Also I noticed that people's driving changed so much since the lockdown, people became so impatient.. im amazed at roundabouts cars are flying into in the very last second in the front of the traffic already there..

Im the same. Or worse now.
I passed test in 2015 as 40yrs old.
Not my car but husbands which is luxury car and he is very very precious about it.
I will only drive to very local supermarket abd school run and even that is now getting too complicated. I thought i was good on big roundabouts but sadly especially as doing right turns i am hesitant in waiting for a bigger gap so I got beeped quite lot lately and even had the van behind pulled out and overtook me just when I moved off.
This shook me that I won't go now that way even its the short way home so I drive miles around to avoid this roundabout now even i had drove there for 10 years 2x daily..
I would never go on motorway..
It got so bad that every morning I feel physically sick to point I get poos and feeling nauseous..
Also I noticed that people's driving changed so much since the lockdown, people became so impatient.. im amazed at roundabouts cars are flying into in the very last second in the front of the traffic already there..

I’m exactly the same. I’ve been driving 30 plus years and still hate it. I can’t parallel park or reverse into a parking space. I hate driving at night too.

How often have you practised these things?
Parallel parking isn't my favourite, but sometimes I have had no choice.

I feel exactly the same.
I have stopped completely after 30yrs
I am probably neurodivergent.
As I age I find my reactions are slower & I'm unable to make decisions quickly enough.
I panic about if there will be unexpected diversions & how I will cope.
I dont always find satnavs easy to understand.
I panic over other traffic & being beeped
I find it very hard to forgive myself for any mistakes & ovrrthink every aspect of my drive.
I have OCD & think that any bump in the road is an animal or a person.
The thought of driving was making me physically sick in anticipationfor days beforehand.
Still think I should "just do it"?

How old are you?
If you're that nervous you should either take more lessons or stop driving.
The way you describe yourself sounds as if you're not safe to drive.

I don't understand these posts. I actually find it embarrassing that there are women out there driving who can't park.

Why don't you just go out and practise?
Go to a quiet car park and practise.

If you can't reverse park or parallel park you can't really drive.

I’m a similar age OP and while I passed my test at 17 in the 80’s I’ve never had great spacial awareness, have never parallel parked and have never loved driving. DH is the default driver.

But I do drive places, in fact I find motorway driving much preferable to country lanes. I do take my DDs to their unis, one is two hours away and one is 3 hours. I’m really conscious of getting to the age of use it or lose it and I really want to keep my independence.

No real advice other than no to let your world get smaller. I’m also finding the menopause has given me an attitude where I don’t give two f**ks about some things, and impatient motorists are top of that list!

Buy a v little run around for you to drive.

Really this is a bit unfair as his show off car was probably £Kkkkkk

I’m really conscious of getting to the age of use it or lose it and I really want to keep my independence.

This is what happened to DH. He stopped driving and now can't drive.