Anyone experienced a friend like this?

[Travelfairy]

Met a friend for breakfast today. She is quite flaky as in I could hear from her every day for a week and then not for months. She has ADHD which she talks about constantly. Thats fine if a little irritating as prior to her own diagnosis she used to describe autistic children as 'just naughty' and that autism was an 'excuse'.

Anyway met today. She ran into my husband yesterday in the shops and he mentioned hes doing a masters. She basically interrogated me today on why he is doing that and why I have gone back to college myself. The questions were hard and fast and like nothing that would normally come up in conversation over breakfast. I kept trying to change the subject and she kept bringing it back.

examples,

Why do we want better jobs, you already have good jobs?

Why do you take your kids on so many holidays. They wont remember them (they are 14 & 11!)

Are you going to buy a bigger house, if so why, there's only 4 of you?

Your husband wirks abroad alot, aren't you worried your marriage will fail?

It was non stop!! Should I just ditch her? She text after saying we should do it again soon but honestly i just felt i defended my life choices for 2 hours before the Manager asked us to leave (table was booked and tbh I was relieved!)

Thanks for reading!!

Not quite as ruthless as @Shrinkholebut I’d definitely have said something like ‘whoa too much caffeine today day Mary! Why all the questions? Let’s talk about you…’

Obviously don’t know the woman but adhd meds can make you quite manic / erratic / more adhd but then again she could just be wild

The reason you feel uncomfortable around this friend is because she interrogates you as a reason to impose her opinion or judgement, not because she cares about your answers or values your own thoughts, priorities and feelings.

I would ditch her.

Wouldn't be surprised if she has autism too.

She has object permanence which is really common with people with ADHD. Its the same thing as out of sight out of mind. They forget about things and people if they're not right there in front of them. That's why she's flaky, she forgets about you if you're not there in ftont of her.

The relentless questioning is her seeking cheap easy dopamine because people with ADHD are domamine deficient.
Often they're super nosy too.
They love to argue too.

I’m afraid I just became too busy to meet up; I’ve known someone that properly split with a friend and whilst that’s more honest and direct, it seems harder to do with a friendship. You can refuse to answer all these questions in the moment, she ought to have some awareness that she interrogated people and it may be inappropriate!

I thought ADHD meds were supposed to help people to concentrate and therefore have normal conversations. They are amphetamine like stimulants which would have a manic like effect on people who don’t have ADHD but my understanding was that this was not the case for people with ADHD unless the dose is excessive

This was my understanding too? Otherwise would just make life even more challenging
...

Omg this actually makes so much sense! I did try to redirect the conversation numerous times and it would work for a few minutes but then she would either get back to previous topic or start grilling me about another......
I do actually really identify with the enjoying arguing, she seemed happy with the chat and didnt seem to register my discomfort.
I am a pretty open book, I actually dont mind questions and probably ask a lot of questions myself but this wasnt that. Someone else on here put it perfectly saying that it wasnt questions, more so judgement concealed (poorly) as questions...

Yes, this.

She is being critical and rude. Just because it's phrased as a question, doesn't mean it actually is a question.

You don’t like her and it’s not normal in friendships to start threads about potentially ditching a friend on a forum. Therefore, just end the friendship.

The object permanance she can't help.

But the arguing - she needs to be set straight about that.
ADHD is no excuse for her being rude to you.

Is she at the age of peri or menopause? That makes ADHD symtoms 100,000 times worse.

Does she job hop or find herself in trouble/conflict at work? Also very common with ADHD.

Does she have few friends? Typical ADHD.

Has this friend ever told you jokes or a funny story
Have you laughed till.your sides ached.

She sounds heavy and boring and it's an ordeal for you. Friends should make you feel good. You should want to be around them?

,Either tell her or phase her out
Say have you ever told me jokes, funny stories etc.

I'm like this. I have ADHD, which was a relief as I would notice that people would react to my conversation style with annoyance and I didn't understand it. This gave me severe social anxiety.

I also come from a house of siblings and parents with ADHD so growing up this was normal. All of us are academics, including my parents, who work in fields which reward critical, clear question asking.

Now that I've progressed in my job, ive been fortunate enough to have had a couple of mentors tell me bluntly that I cant speak in that way. Even if my intention is curiosity, people find this style of question intrusive in personal settings.

I'm now in the process of unlearning the way I am. It's a lot of observing what 'normal' people do.

It took me a while, beaqcuse my career rewards this kind of communication style, yet it really impacts personal relationship.

All that to just say, she probably means no harm and she's just super curious to understand your thinking process. I'm also lucky to have friends who really don't mine the way I am, and are happy to see the good in it!

What a horrid take. Do you have ADHD or just hate people who do?

She has her own business but constant and I mean constant! Issues with staff, some even taking legal action

Oh and yes menopausal

ADHD meds when you have autism too can actually make the autism symptoms worse - sounds like this is what is happening with your friend. The meds are making her worse not better and she needs to be told bluntly this and also how she is coming across to people as she may not realise

She could be ND, OR she could just be a combative, nasty person.

Yeah they're always falling out with people.

One ADHDer that I know is in trouble at work. Again. Some of her colleagues have complained about her. Her employers will not renew her contract.
She'll be job hopping once more, in a few months.

If I find myself having to explain or justify myself to someone I consider it a red flag. I think your friend was on a power trip.

It sounds like her dosage is too high and it’s making her too intense and hyperfocused, which can be very uncomfortable for people on the receiving end.

Well, what does it say about her?

I think that's for the OP to think about really.

I do know people like this but I keep away from them!!!

I think the OP can work out 'what it says about her' for herself.

Exactly. One for the OP to think about. Not for us to say what we think.