I'm going to visit my son. It's going to cost a fortune..

[Beakthrough]

He's in Uk at the opposite end to me.

He can't put me up so I need to pay travel and accomodation, plus I won't be able to cook for him (or vice versa) so I'll likely end up paying for several restaurant meals too.

I reckon, by the time I'm done it will cost me close to £1000 for the six days planned.

Nearly £200 in travel, £400 for the cheapest accomodation I can find, plus 5 or 6 dinners and ither spending money.

I have the money, I'd spend it on other trips without thinking too hard, but I'm struggling to justify it to myself for this one, which makes no sense to me. Can anyone else work out what's going on with my head?

Hopefully, eventually he'll have somewhere he can accomodate visitors but for the time being he can't.

Isn't cheaper than the £400 accomodation I mentioned in OP.

I don't get why this is such a big deal. Children end up all over the place these days having moved for uni or work or a lover or whatever. It does take time and money to visit them or for them to visit you. Unless you don't really love your son enough to bother going, I'm not quite sure what your question is.

Go for 2-3 nights and get an air b&b so you can cook food. 6 nights is a long time.

That does seem a lot for a trip within the UK so I understand where you are coming from . Is travel costs because of trains ? Is a B&B cheaper . Meals I wouldn't care about , a few dinners that you pick up the tab for is normal . I find Britain can be so expensive for the lowest quality. Used to be that travelling or holidaying at home was the cheaper option .

I think what is putting the price up is six days x hotel and meals.

This is just what things cost op

I’ve just spent 450£ on flights to go to Ireland for me and 2 little kids to visit my parents at Easter

I do have free accommodation but i always spend heaps when I’m over catching up with friends etc

i just class these trips as holidays now tbh and once you start to see them as that the money doesn’t see so much/feels worth it

i used to say oh i could have spent that money on a Holiday instead of just spending it to go home - but I don’t think of it that way anymore

I get it. It's not that he's low priority - almost the opposite. It is worrying having to spend £££ every time you see family, as we want to be able to see them more often, but the cost of one visit makes you nervous that you can't afford this as often as you'd like. It turns something that should be frequent and possible into an event, a holiday.

I visited my elderly mum recently and it cost me £500 plus loss of earnings for the days I took off work (self employed, so if I don't work, I don't get paid.) In practical terms, I am down by about a thousand pounds every time I visit her. If I saw her once a month, which I'd love to, I'd be 12k poorer by the end of the year and that is more half what I earn, post tax. It's not possible.She lives a day's journey away, so although the visit is five days long, I only get to spend three days with her. It's tough.

OP, DS1 lives abroad and our one trip to see him cost me £5k for a week. We have to make do with weekly Zoom calls. Can you set up something regular? It's pretty much a fixture for us now, on Sundays, to all catch up. DS2 who lives near us often joins in too.

I'd probably eat in the shared house more, they can cook for you twice, get a takeaway (share cost) and meal out 3 times. Also just split the bill 3 ways, maybe treat them once. It would cost a lot to go out to eat for 6 nights and pay for 3 adults.

It's a lot to expect them to entertain you for 6 solid days.

My parents don't live near me, we put them up but we go out to eat mostly as its nice to do and we take turns paying for each other.

Why don't you ask him how he's expecting the visit to work? I think you need to adjust to being a visitor to your ds and his gf.

My parents do not spend all their time with me when they visit. They go out with friends or on their own.

Where does he live? Will you be able to entertain yourself in the local area?

Are you driving? Could you stay in a nearby premier inn or cheaper city?

I think you can visit in the shared house and cook etc he just needs to tell his housemates his mum is coming round for a cup of tea or lunch before you go out somewhere. No guests is presumably just for overnights, they'll obviously have guests come for drinks and whatever if it's a uni house.

Presumably you won't see him on the days he is at work anyway so just go for a weekend.

Wait until early Spring and meet up in the middle and go camping?

An you not book and Airbnb or apart hotel so you can cook?

of he works so much he can split the dinner costs no?

Couldn’t you arrange a weekend ( maybe tack on a day if possible ) somewhere in between ?Make it more of a holiday for you both? Either a cheap chain hotel, or self catering. Takes some of the pressure of you travelling, and some of him hosting , albeit indirectly for a whole week.

Do you need to go for 6 days? I’m just wondering if you’re expecting him to see you every day for 6 days?

My question still stands though..£400 for sharing in a youth hostel isn’t extortionate. Where is it?

Yes, maybe that's one of the things that's bothering me. It's a full day of travel each way though and not something you can do very frequently (time and money) so it feels necessary to make it worthwhile. It is a long time for me to be entertaining myself in budget accomodation while he's working though. He'll be off a couple of the days and works earlies or lates, so we'll have time, but there will be times when he's not around too.

That's OK I can entertain myself, butnits January!

One of those plug in single hobs is a very useful thing to have in a hotel, for cooking cheap meals in the room. They cost about a tenner

You seem so reluctant to visit him. I live thousands of miles away from my parents and neither party has this attitude when they visit. If he shares house, you can still eat meals at his. In a hotel, get the breakfast included. What do you plan to do when you go there, as you won't be staying at his? Are you spending all the days together- if so, surely he will pay for some meals? Speak to him about the expenses, I assume he will understand.

In the mountains where accomodation is thin on the ground.

I also would think it's better to meet halfway and book a large Airbnb or a caravan/lodge type holiday once the weather is better

Or even look at local caravan/haven etc parks nearby if you're driving as sometimes they aren't as expensive as Airbnbs etc as out of season! 6 nights is ages too. Is it a busy town with lots to do so you're not hanging around? Or you could shorten the trip?

Also wouldn't be paying for every single meal! Presumably his gf will be alongside for each meal which will make it much more expensive. You deffo should go over theirs to cook there.

We went to visit DC two hours’ drive away last weekend and spent approximately €400 on fuel, parking, restaurants and 1 night in a city centre apartment, so I get you, OP!
It was in place of Christmas so there were presents, too. It was great to see them and we did a couple of museums so not just a family reunion.

Maybe there’s an event on the week you want to visit? If you’re more flexible you can book ahead cheaper. Does DC have friends with an empty bedroom who could make a bit of money from you?

UK train prices are a huge ripoff. Try Flixbus for good deals.

You could get a M&S meal deal to show off some/any new-found home cooking skills. But while they’re still a student I’d encourage them to come to you. See their old friends and get spoiled with some home comforts.

Lots of people live far apart, and it's hardly a new thing. I'm 64 and when I was growing up we had one short period where we lived with one set of grandparents while we waited to move into our own place and another short period where we lived a short walk from my Dad's mother and sister and her family. Other than that we always lived a long way off and only saw them for a few days in the school holidays or on one of my grandparents' rare trips to stay with us. When my brother and I left school we both moved away from where my parents lived and ended up living at opposite ends of the country with Mum and Dad halfway between. They then retired and decided to move back to Scotland, but nowhere near my brother and his family, so we saw even less of them than we had done. We have all survived this and remained on good terms. Reading some of the many family dramas on MN it occurs to me that we may have remained on good terms because we are not in each other's pockets.

Sorry OP I’m struggling to work out what’s going on in your head. My son lives 2000 miles away (working) and has for the last 6 years. the cost of us visiting doesn’t enter my head as it’s what we want to do more than anything when work leave allows. I send him money for flights back as I love the thought he’s coming home so much even for short visits (he doesn’t need it and insists I don’t, but I do anyway).

Hopefully when you been, you’ll come back and think, wow! that was the best £1000 I’ve spent because I’ve had the most amazing time with my son.

He doesn't work "so much". He has a normal FT job. He could, maybe should, pay more, but I probably won't ask him to because I can and hes just setting himself up in his first phase of life away from home.

Apologies..meant to write that £400 is extortionate! But you’ve explained teh reason why though. You are clearly going to a destination where accommodation is always going to be at a premium so you’ll just have to accept it costs what it costs. You could shave some off by staying for a shorter period, cooking in the shared house a few times , and maybe your son an contribute to some meal costs.