Would you have baby on your own in my situation?

[Fancycrab]

I have an amazing 6 yo DD who I know I’m very lucky to have. However, I’ve always wanted a second child. My DD has two mums, her other mum, my exW left me when DD was 2 and we now have 50/50 custody. I hoped I’d meet someone and have another child but it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ve dated people since i separated from exW but no one I’ve liked enough to become long-term with. I’m now 42 and I realise time really is running out and i need to make a decision basically now if I want another child. I have leftover fully-formed, high-grade embryos from the IVF we did with DD. They are genetically mine. If I was to use one of those and they were to work it’d be DD’s full sibling. However, the idea of doing it alone terrifies me. Not the bringing the child up part (past age 2 at least!) more going through pregnancy, childbirth, and the first year alone. I also worry that it would completely destroy any chance I have of finding another partner, which is something that’s important to me in the long-term. The urge to have another child is so strong though. Even if biological clock wasn’t a factor (eg. If I used the embryos and they worked) I still wouldn’t want to have a baby older than 45, I just don’t think it’d be fair on the child. I have my own well-established business and financially I could do it and be able to take enough time off to care for a new baby but it’s the doing it alone part that’s putting me off. If you were in a similar position and you could afford to do it would you?

I think I would in your situation.

I’d absolutely go for it if I were you. You sound like you really, really want this and I think you’d regret at least not trying.
The full sibling thing is kind of a moot point IMO as they don’t need to know that until they’re much older - plus in day to day life you’d presumably just refer to them as sister/brother to each other anyway. I also don’t think it’s going to be a particular issue that DD is 50/50 and new baby will be with you full time. I’m part of a big, complicated blended family with various children going to various places with varying frequency and lengths of time and they’re all generally fine with it; we’ve had lots of discussions around the fact that different people have different families, etc etc. It does occasionally breed resentment when someone gets something another doesn’t, but we just remind the resenter that they have things the others don’t at other times and that life isn’t always equal for everyone anyway (eg on birthdays and the like), which personally I think is an excellent lesson for children to learn anyway. They’re all treated equally and fairly at our house. And they all get on brilliantly. We also have two younger ones and they are universally adored by their older siblings, regardless of how much said sibs are here - in fact the DC who’s here 50/50 is probably the biggest fan of the toddler; they’re always absolutely thrilled to see each other. They also all just refer to the little ones as their siblings - no halves here 🤷‍♀️ all this to show that it really doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom all the time as lots of posters are predicting!

I really wouldn’t, no.

No way. I can’t imagine what it would do to two full siblings where one (but not the other) had another parent figure.

I agree, I think it would be heartbreaking for the younger DC.

think them being genetically full siblings but the second child only having one parent confuses things. What if they wonder why they don’t go to stay with their other mum too? It would be a no for me. which is sad for you I understand. The age gap is no issue, single parent no issue but the (full) sibling having two parents and the (potential) baby only one...recipe for a childhood filled with confusion imo.

Would you ex coparent with you

I personally would not do it??!!?..
Who are you trying to impress, a new person or yourself??

I'd do it

Think very carefully. What would happen if you became ill, disabled , unable to parent or even died. What would happen to the second child. You need to plan and consult with family
and friends before becoming pregnant and be absolutely sure how they could support you in the event of something happening. You also need to make financial provision for this.
Agree with others you will have 2 full siblings , but only one has a relationship with another parent . That’s tough to explain.

No. When I decided to have dc2, I only went ahead because DH had proved himself to be a hands on and committed parent to dc1, and I would not have wanted 2 dcs without that input. We often divide and conquer and it makes life run much smoother to have a parent dealing with each child. So regardless of all the other issues, I would not have been prepared to be a solo parent of 2 dcs - with the age gap it will be particularly tricky (eg theme park rides and films for older kids).

No, not with a 6 year old child already. I might consider it if she were younger so the age gap between the siblings would be less, but at that age no. She would get the disadvantages of having a sibling (such as sharing finite resources) but none of the advantages (such as companionship - my own sister is 6 years younger than me and we did not have a shared childhood at all).

No. Just because you "want" something, that doesn't mean it's a good enough reason to go ahead.

I would not have any kids out of wedlock. That is my advice for every woman.

No, because the situation of your eldest having two parents and any younger child only having one would mean they would never really feel like full siblings and it could create tension and distance. If I were you I would focus on the lovely DC you already have x

I would OP.

The really hard bit is temporary.

In terms of finding a partner it might set you back a few years but people find love at all sorts of ages!

I assume you have enough money to A pay for the IVF to use the embryo and B actually raise the child.

Why does anyone ever have children? I had children because I wanted them 😂

I agree

i have an 8 year age gap and it absolutely has not negatively impacted my DD. Think of your daughters life with a sibling, especially when you are old

There's an eight year gap between me and my sister. I'm sure it was great for my parents to get to do the younger years again. It was shit for me. We still don't get on especially well.

I think it would be very unfair on the new child to be a full sibling of your first, but not have that relationship with a second parent like your first does.

Not sure this thread is going to help you OP!

reading through all of the opinions, I think the long term impact on the new child is something central to consider. The different family dynamics. Could this cause resentment between them over time?

and for you- not just no support during pregnancy etc but very little support full stop. This child is with you 24/7, no shared care and no break when DD goes to her mums.

i want to say yes do it, for you, but there’s something really troubling me about the dynamics that would exist well into adulthood for the siblings.