Would you have baby on your own in my situation?

[Fancycrab]

I have an amazing 6 yo DD who I know I’m very lucky to have. However, I’ve always wanted a second child. My DD has two mums, her other mum, my exW left me when DD was 2 and we now have 50/50 custody. I hoped I’d meet someone and have another child but it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ve dated people since i separated from exW but no one I’ve liked enough to become long-term with. I’m now 42 and I realise time really is running out and i need to make a decision basically now if I want another child. I have leftover fully-formed, high-grade embryos from the IVF we did with DD. They are genetically mine. If I was to use one of those and they were to work it’d be DD’s full sibling. However, the idea of doing it alone terrifies me. Not the bringing the child up part (past age 2 at least!) more going through pregnancy, childbirth, and the first year alone. I also worry that it would completely destroy any chance I have of finding another partner, which is something that’s important to me in the long-term. The urge to have another child is so strong though. Even if biological clock wasn’t a factor (eg. If I used the embryos and they worked) I still wouldn’t want to have a baby older than 45, I just don’t think it’d be fair on the child. I have my own well-established business and financially I could do it and be able to take enough time off to care for a new baby but it’s the doing it alone part that’s putting me off. If you were in a similar position and you could afford to do it would you?

We have a 7y age gap - I agree, siblings are a gift. Older child adores the younger one, and is actually a help. You’re not alone, especially if you have a network too.

Siblings are vastly overrated.

No, I wouldn't. The risks to the mother during pregnancy and child birth increase with age. I wouldn't take the risk when I already have a child dependent on me. Going from 50/50 parenting a 6 year old to full time care of newborn alongside 50/50 care of another child is also a huge leap. Doing all the night feeds and then entertaining an older child during the day would be absolutely exhausting, even for a young person.

There really not. My siblings are the greatest gift my parents gave me.

Yes

This.

I've done it, albeit a very different situation to yours. Giving my dd a sibling was the best thing I've ever, ever done for her. And I've done it alone.

To add, I'm almost 37, and there's a 7 year age gap between them.

You say if you had another child they would be a full sibling but how will ExW feel about this. Will she be willing to have both DC or would she only take DD ? How would you explain that if she felt she only wanted DD and her sibling had to stay at home with you ? I understand your strong desire for a second but you do need to consider how it would play out with your ex due to the complexity of them being full siblings.

Unless you have a clear understanding and agreement with them it will be a complicated scenario to explain to the DC that they are full siblings but DD other mum only wants to see her ? It’s a potential minefield for adolescent angst, feelings of rejection and complex MH issues for both DC. I feel this isn’t a decision you can actually make on your own your ex does need to be involved so you can understand her stance and what she would be able to/ willing to provide by way of support as she currently has DD 50 / 50. Sadly there isn’t an easy answer to your dilemma.

This. I’d do it if allowed though…..

No. Just utterly selfish. They might not get with your other child, never assume they’ll be close. Plus they’ll take up time and money you could be spending with your existing child. And you’ll be in your 60s when/if they go to uni.

What, so no one should ever have a second child?

Yes I would do it.

Don’t be silly. The op was querying if her existing child would feel alone as an only. Only time will tell on that front. I was highlighting that siblings may not be close, you can never assume they will get on, plenty siblings don’t..

I'm not being silly.

But it's ridiculous to say it is 'utterly selfish' to have more than one child.

Of course siblings don't always get on, but most people wouldn't claim that makes having asecond child 'utterly selfish'.

Yes seeing as you already have embryos, I don’t think I could not at least try.
Do you have family/friends support network around you?

No mainly because your older DC is with their other DM half the time and I think this would be hard for a younger sibling.

I would at least try. Time is not on your side and you have the embryos.

having a sibling would be lovely for your DD.

Its a complicated situation. But in view of the decisions already made and the steps taken in the past I cant see why you shouldn't go ahead. It would be nice for your child to have a sibling.

Do you have family/friends who’ll be there for you? I know a few people who’ve had children on their own by choice, but you need at least one adult whom you can rely on in a crisis.

I would use the embryos. You might regret not trying.

No. I wouldn’t willingly become a single parent in my forties.

Ah, you have missed my point. Having another child at 42, on your own, purely because you want one is what I consider selfish, not the act of having a second child per se…

Oh I see ... you mean you think single mums are selfish. Got you.

I have a 17 year old DC - when they were six I was also desperate to have another child (I was also a single parent by then). Now they are older, I am glad I didn’t. All my sadness at having an only has gone away and it is a relief being able to focus my time, energy and monet on one child. DC has had some teenage wobbles and it’s been great being able to put them first. I am also super relieved to only have one child to put through university and support with a house deposit. I am 50 now and I don’t have the energy I used to have. It would be daunting to be starting the teenage years all over again with a younger sibling.

I think them being genetically full siblings but the second child only having one parent confuses things. What if they wonder why they don’t go to stay with their other mum too? It would be a no for me.

Also, there are 6.5 years between my eldest and middle daughters. They’re currently 12 and 5 and bicker endlessly. I’m hoping they get closer as they get older but it’s hard right now.

In the circumstances I highlighted, yes. In general, no of course not, sometimes circumstances happen outwith your control - my mum was one (my dad died).