What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

How long did you agree for him to stay? I think k.its about time he started making plans to leave within the next month. I the meantime, no noise or takeaways after 10 pm.

I was about to say I would be telling this family member you are doing them a favour so this is not your drama it's theirs. Having read some of your updates it sounds like it is complicated and not so easy for you to kick him out. You are NOT pathetic and you are NOT unreasonable.

Can you get help from a professional source where you are able to give the full details as I understand it can be difficult on here? Whatever happens , for your sanity and that of your daughter he needs to be gone and I would be having nothing more to do with the family member either if that's possible due to the complicated situation.

Edited to say, apologies I missed the part where this family member is your DD, I get why it's so complicated but this disrespectful oik needs to be gone. You have a daughter living at home who needs to come first in my view

The shushing would be the final straw for me.
If he had respectfully listened to you and made changes in even some of his behaviour then you might be inclined to let some othet things slide.
But his response is disgusting. So he needs to leave.

What the heck? You don't have a houseguest, you have an abusive squatter. Your 'friend' is not your friend - this is an abusive relationship. You are not pathetic and you need to tell this person to pack and leave immediately. If there is resistance, threaten to involve the police. If the person refuses to leave, then call the police.

if your daughter denied you seeing your GC for not tolerating this shitty behaviour then she is no better than him. Frankly she shouldn’t have put you in this situation in the first place. Throw him out. He’s a dick.

Absolutely this! You’re going to become his servant if you don’t get rid of him now.

Stop worrying about what is 'normal', and start being more concerned with what you do and don't want in your life. That's what boundaries are - the division between what you want in your life and what you don't.

He isn't going to change, so he has to leave. Use the Police if he won't go.

Or let him stay, and consider it the price you pay for avoiding 'confrontation'. That's how uncomfortable situations work - there's no comfortable option so you only get to choose your discomfort. But bear in mind that being assertive gets easier the more you do it, whereas tolerating things you find intolerable never gets any better.

This is baffling. Tell him he has to be out by midday tomorrow. FGS.

Simple your house your rules if he doesn't accept them put him out on the street

Is this a joke? How can you let people treat you like this. Your house your rules. I will be telling him to leave now. He is a liability and disrespectful. Ungrateful and the person asking for this favour is also in the wrong at least with the info you said.

OP I'm sorry that you feel access to your grandchild may be curtailed as a result of doing what is right for you and your daughter (who lives with you) but this is a situation where the lodger foisted upon you needs evicting toute suite. His behaviour is abominable.

He shushed you at 2.00 am for asking him to pipe down. He'd have been out on his arse there and then if it were me.

You are not worthless! You are just vulnerable after having a really shitty time. It can happen to most of us. You tried to help someone but they've taken the piss.

Please be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up just make you feel worse! X

This is not a house guest. It is a freeloader. How dare someone come into your home and invade your safe space, and not even have the decency to follow house rules. Get him out.

Wishing you all the best with the conversation you need to have. 'Enough is enough' sounds just the right way to approach this with a clear end date. Avoid expressing your frustration and distress and getting into a mindset where you are pleading for your needs to be recognized. It might help to go into the conversation by trying to imagine yourself as the kindly but firm matriarch who quietly wields the power in this family - older, wiser and able to see things the younger ones might not, including protecting both DDs from this selfish arsehole. Don't ask for their approval. Remind yourself (and them if necessary) of any leverage you have (do you look after dgc at a time your DD needs this or could you offer?). Remember that children often have more need for their parents' approval, than vice versa, even into adulthood.

OP please tell him to leave and calm the police if he refuses.

He told you to Shush!!! If you’re near me I’ll come round and kick the rude cunt out.

I've only read your posts OP, not the entire post.

I don't know your whole situation about who this "guest" is in relation to your family, but - family or not - anyone who smoked weed on my property (that includes in the garden), would be out on their ear. Ditto anyone who was showing such antisocial, disruptive and rude behaviour towards me, my DC or my home. He's not paying you a penny/anything towards housekeeping, yet can afford cigarettes, take aways, alcohol and weed? Sod that. I can't believe he was so disrespectful to say "shush" to you! My DC1 and his friends wouldn't behave like this "guest" does, and they're all in their late teens (and my DC1 does pay a token amount of housekeeping).

Enough is enough. I'd be telling him to leave this weekend. Where he goes is not your problem. I know original arrangement was until end of Feb but this behaviour is too much. You're doing someone a HUGE favour, and this guy had a real gift in being allowed to stay with you....but he is absolutely taking the piss. I would have been expecting the guy to be saying something along lines of, "Thank you for letting me stay here. I can't afford rent, but please let me pay a token amount of £xx weekly towards housekeeping/expenses, and please let me help around the house with chores and cooking. Let me know house rules so that my stay causes minimal disruption".

OP, obviously this is all very complicated and distressing.

But none of this is your problem to solve in a practical sense. It is his behaviour that means he cannot be with ‘relative’, which means his behaviour is not safe for you or your DD either.

And also… if you DO have any spare capacity in your life you could invest it in support by having the child. Clearly impossible with him in the household!

It is very good that your DD’s father / co-owner of the house is ready to help.

Accept it, and good luck.

You’re not overeating. The person you’re doing the favour for is completely unreasonable for saying they don’t want to hear. He sounds so rude. I’d either tell him to comply with your house rules or leave.

Yeah, as soon as I read “shush” my BP went through the roof. I’d have him out, you need to prioritise your at home DD and yourself. You’re not a bloody charity, why should he leech off you a minute longer?

Your ex is onside, great. You co own the house, so when twunt goes out, get locks changed. Get all his crap in bin bags and leave on the doorstep. Have ex there if possible, if not any supportive friends. You’re not pathetic, you’ve been taken advantage of. And if you think he might turn nasty, log it with police, telling them what you’ve done and why. Don’t let family members guilt trick or blackmail you. They have their own agendas, focus on yours, a peaceful safe home for you and DD. You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells in your own home. Good luck

It's not your problem if he can't live with such and such a person. Your home isn't a drop in centre and permanent shelter for unwanted and unfortunates who seem to have brought their problems onto themselves. And are thoroughly ungrateful for you kind support.

The person 'making' you have him is an arsehole if they fall out with you for saying No Mas.

Give him a weeks notice, if he's not gone by then change the locks while he's out. And tell him you'll contact the police if he repeatedly tries to gain entry.

You should invoice him for the use of your home on his way out.

I cant quite work out all the familial connections but he needs to leave NOW
Your home is a place of safety and refuge not a dosshouse for bullying aresholes
Call the Police if you need support in getting him to leave
No one is behaving like that in my house
We all go to bed at night time and get up in the morning
No night time gaming
And Absolutely NO ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES
Good Luck OP and be kind to yourself you have clearly had a rough time and need support from an external party
Please look at some talking therapy or CBT from your GP

A noisy guest who told ME to shush IN MY OWN HOME would be out the next morning, with his possessions in a black bag on the doorstep. Then change your locks. The only reason not to do this is if you are frightened of him, in which case you may need to involve the police.

OP were you involved in some sort of safeguarding plan for him to be out of the family home. I take it the child has made allegations or there is DV?

The safeguarding plan for him to be out of the home, does not need to involve you, its not 'at home or with you'. He needs to make alternative arrangements

Exactly, he’s already on bail, does he really want another arrest for threatening OP?

I can’t get over him fucking shushing you OP, that is beyond the pale.