What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Come on OP. Hopefully the responses on this thread were the wake up call you needed. If you won’t evict this man for your sake then do it to protect your daughter. Don’t let it fester, strike whilst the iron is hot. “I’m sorry but telling me to shush is a step too far. You need to leave today.” If he doesn’t, call the police.
I know you said there’s a child involved that you want to keep seeing but you have your own child to consider.

You are not pathetic and you are not overreacting. I can’t believe you’ve put up with this since October!

You are two women living with a man who is intimidating you and disrespecting you. Your kindness is being exploited.

as your ex is supportive can he come round to yours and have the conversation with him about leaving, and perhaps explain to your other daughter how intolerable this is for you & other daughter so she realises it isn’t just ‘drama’?

Kick him out. Wtf is the matter with you.

I am ethnically Indian and I often have relatives who come at short notice in a culture where hospitality is expected. It can be delightful, but occasionally a complete pain. In this case, I would have no hesitation in setting a week or two week deadline for this person to leave. You and your daughter deserve better and this person is an entitled user.

You do need to get rid of him. He is taking incredible liberties in your house. I'm not sure how he's connected to you but you don't need to put up with this. If it's your daughter's ex and the father of her children I can't think of any reasonable scenario in which you should be expected to provide free accommodation to this patronising rude leech who is the former partner of your daughter. As for your daughter threatening to not let you see her children unless you put up with her awful ex - the man she chose and now can't live with herself - well she is simply taking advantage of you. I second what everybody else says - pack his stuff and change the locks and if possible get your ex-husband on site for support. He is not your problem.

I Am angry on your behalf. That is outrageous from him as someone staying in your house. You need to frankly tell him it’s not working out he needs to be gone by a certain date. Name the date and stick to it be ready to take action like change the locks and call police.

What an absolute fucking cheek. He needs to go, right now!

Please get someone with you when you ask him to go in case he turns nasty. Any problems just call the police. I can't believe your daughter has put you in this situation and I hope you get it resolved today. Take care x

Oh Op no! Your DD is being a cheeky little fucker. And you are not being pathetic at all.

So I’m assuming this is either a SS thing or they have split and she can’t afford the repayments on the flat they share. Both things can have serious delays so you need to be firm with both of them and set a date (have your ex as support be there with you)

I’m actually angry for you about her comments to not bring her into the drama. She has caused the drama!

OP, kick him out NOW. Do not give into blackmail by your other child. Your other child may be in a difficult situation by they are exploiting you by passing it on to you.

You need to get him out now. He is bullying you in your own home. Do you have a male friend or family member who could come over? Or a neighbour? This is completely unacceptable and regardless of the wider circumstances, he has to go today.

If you feel threatened, ring the police.

If someone who wasn’t paying rent, slobbing around the place, shushed me in my own house their bag would be swiftly outside with the outdoor plants.

OP, looking at the bigger picture, do you have a history of being abused or in abusive relationships?

Because, you say you don't know what is normal.

This suggests that somehow so far you have only experienced relationships where people behave badly and you take it as normal.

maybe when this man has left you can refer yourself for counselling or do something like the Freedom Program for women? It's an online course and you may find it helps .

Hope you've got up and told him he needs to go ?
This comment is one that is often said to people who are being wary of biting the bullet and doing something , but here goes . If you had a very close friend and she came to you , what would you advise ?
Obviously get rid .

OP, this person and associated relative are abusive.

It is abusive / manipulative to blackmail someone into putting up with bad behaviour using a child as a weapon.

It is abusive to wake people up with unreasonable habits. And tell you to shush.

Calmly and clearly say that different timetables in the household are making life impossible for you and your Dd and you need them to make alternative arrangements within 2 weeks.

Do not apologise. Say you have offered your home free of charge since October, you have given suggestions as to how to make it work better but as they have not been taken up you now need your home for you and your DD.

Tell them calmly , and out it in an email.

Making a calm clear boundary around your home and life is not confrontation. You have more right to your home and to state your needs within it than a free loading offensive house ‘guest’ .

OP, this situation isn't sustainable and it can only get worse. What you’re describing would be completely unacceptable even if this was a paying lodger, let alone someone staying as a favour!

He’s noisy late at night, drinking, bringing weed smells into the house, playing loud games in the early hours, waking your daughter, and then telling you to shush in your own home. That isn’t a difference in habits. It’s basic lack of respect.

The person you’re doing the favour to has said they don’t want to hear about it. So that's great for them, they get to cover themselves in glory by organising some arrangement but without having to withstand any of the negative consequences. That leaves you and your daughter living with the fallout while everyone else opts out. WHY???

Wanting peace in your own house isn’t unreasonable, and wanting him to leave isn’t dramatic. It’s a proportionate response to a situation that’s already gone too far. I feel really sorry for you and your daughter and you say you're not vulnerable, but this situation you've put yourself and your daughter in is very much being vulnerable.

Is there anything preventing your daughter and grandchild from moving in with you instead of him? He could go back to the flat and daughter and grandchild are safe with you from whatever is going on.

I am just guessing that daughter in the flat can't have him there, but not sure if she just "won't" have him there. Is there any court order about this?

It seems very odd to me that it is ok for him to live with you and your daughter but not ok for him to live with your other daughter and his child. But I think I read that your safety is not an issue. Hopefully that's the case.

Cryptic is the word!

If this is the case that it’s your other DDs boyfriend who has been told he can’t stay in your DDs home anymore then you are enabling an already terrible relationship.

Using a grandchild to emotionally blackmail you is shocking behaviour.

You should be telling your dd to run a million miles away from this waste of space 🤷‍♀️

Give him his marching orders. If things turn nasty do not hesitate to get the police involved. Have numbers for locksmiths on speed dial. Be very careful. Review your relationship with whoever made the cutting remark about drama because that person does not like you. Be very careful.

I agree with the people in your life not being kind to you. Your other daughter should not be mad with you btw but with this guy. Your daughter is getting a cracking deal paying £200 a month and shouldn’t be furious with you but should be supporting you and backing you up. Start pushing back OP and don’t let people walk over you. These are adults and you shouldn’t be placating them.

OK, so this is your daughters ex partner.

Yopu say there is a reason why he is not allowed to live with her, and that he is paying the rent on the flat they lived in.

So was he violent/abusive to her - is it an 'official' reason or just because they had a break up and it was difficult.

Either way, she cant live with him or is not allowed, so its absolutely fair enough that you and your daughter cannot live with him either. He obviously hasnt learned to be a decent and considerate human.

Why the Feb or Summer or into the future deadline - what is supposed to be happening in feb? Is he moving jobs/ moving back in with her/ getting access to a different home? whatever the reason its not your issue. If he is a big enough man to make a child, he is a biog enough man to stand on his own feet.

Its time for your daughter to sort out the rent on her own property with out him paying. either working more / claimning UC to top up or downsizing. And he needs to go leech of one of his mates or god forbid sort himself out

He needs to go, this weekend. Pack his stuff up and change the locks. Enlist the help of your ex and the police if necessary. Oh, and change the WiFi password immediately!

Comes in stinking of weed, plays shouty games in the middle of the night and tells YOU to shush?!
Tell him to get to fuck, what the hell 😂
Seriously - why is he still there?!
He'd be out the door.

This is when the Jeremy Kyle Show would have been useful, joke!

Seriously, get this man out asap. Enlist your ex husband or male friends to help you and/or write an email which states factually why he is going and when. Do not let him stay until October!

Op, please take your ex husband up on his offer to help with this. You really need to get this piece of crap out of your house ASAP, as in today. Don’t wait till the 22nd or whatever the original date was. You and your daughter are potentially not safe in your house. You ow him nothing. You need your safe spot. Your daughter needs her safe spot. Your other daughter needs a reality check and a kick up her backside. Get this creep out of your house. You will feel so much safer. Get your ex to help, or the police to help. But make sure it happens.