What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Eviction now

He doesn't need to be your problem

Kick him out! With a week's notice, if you're feeling kind. I cannot believe he told you to shush, how incredibly rude!

This is not your problem to fix and you're being treated unreasonably poorly.

First post nails it

Can you drop the cuckoo’s belongings round at your ex’s for collection when you change the locks so he has no reason to return to yours? It’ll make the situation more clear cut if he does turn up creating grief and you need to call the police.

"Told you to shush"? In your house? When he goes to work, put his bags on the doorstep. Any chance your ex would come round and be there when he finds out? I mean, for your daughter's sake, if he doesn't care about you?

The person you're doing the favour for doesn't deserve your favours or your loyalty. Of course she doesn't want to "hear your drama" - it's HER drama and she thought she was going to shove it onto you. Fuck that. Don't tell her you're throwing him out, just do it, and tell her to bugger off if she moans ("I thought you said you didn't want to hear about it?"). Time to stop being the family doormat.

What has happened to you is that your daughter has put you between a rock and a hard place and is emotionally blackmailing you. On top of that you are being bullied and intimidated in your own home whilst providing hospitality to someone who is nothing to you and who isn't doing the first thing to help themself.

All this is happening whilst you're in a fragile state dealing with the breakup of a decades long relationship and other personal and family issues.

It's also having a big impact on your other daughter in her own home.

I'm hugely sympathetic to you @WhyAreWeLikeThis and it really isn't helpful when people bluntly tell you to grow a pair, because of all the complexities above.

In the calm of day have a good think. What do you want daily life to look like for you, your grandchild and your daughters? Bowing down to this pressure isn't going to change anything. Gather your strength and simply tell this intruder that the arrangement has come to an end and he needs somewhere else to go. Put your own realistic time limit on this and yes, do get the locks changed.

Once that hurdle is over, you can face the rest. Good luck.

@martinisforeveryone do you know more than the rest of us? Is the guest the poster's other daughter's boyfriend who she is hiding in her mum's (the poster's) house. It's the only thing that makes sense if maybe the other daughter is using access to the poster's grandchild as leverage.

I’m confused why you need to ask… tell him to get out. Today. Or you call the police. Tell relative to jog on and cut the drama out of your life.

he's not a guest he is a parasite
Ask male non-pushover family members to help you get him out.

Tell him to GTF.

I don't think you're that cryptic - the only circumstances under which one adult isn't "allowed" to live with another is if one of them has children and the other is a danger to children, right? Your charming lodger is the danger. You owe him nothing.

He’s not planning on leaving. February will become summer, summer will become autumn etc. He’s got it too good. He’s got a nice place to stay free of charge and can do what he likes. Why would someone like that give this up voluntarily? If he’s not allowed to stay with them that suggests he’s considered a danger for some reason - doesn’t this potentially make him a danger to you and your daughter as well? You’ll never forgive yourself if he hurt her in some way. Also the threat that you wont get to see this child - you know he’s probably capable of carrying that threat out once he’s left even if he leaves by choice. He knows it will upset you and it sounds like he’s the type to make it happen anyway just to be nasty, even if you do allow him to stay until - whenever. Once whenever eventually arrives he could just decide youre no longer useful so you’re cut off anyway. I know it’s heartbreaking but you already know you’re being used and going along with it doesn’t guarantee the outcome you hope for. He has to go. Would it be an option for the family member to stay with you instead and him to move back to their flat alone? If not you’re just going to have to put your foot down as heartbreaking as it is.

@Onetimeusername1 I've just read the full thread and taken my position from the information spoken about

Kick this arsehole out with immediate effect. Bag up his stuff and dump it outside the front.

Accept the help from your ex if needed and get the locks changed. Call the police too if he refuses to go or kicks off in any way, threatening you and/or your DD. Then DO NOT let him back in for any reason whatsoever.

I'd also cut contact with the family member who pushed you into this position.

You've been through a very hard time. Now you need some peace to recuperate. Find your backbone here, with support from the willing to do so.

Honestly, anyone who tried to shush me in my own house would have been out of it so fast that they would hardly have known what had happened to them. How patronising, and how very dare he.

A man with this level of contempt for women isn’t going to go quietly, and that’s before you consider the potentially criminal reasons he can’t live with his own family.

Does he not have parents/ siblings of his own to live with?

As you are on civil terms with your ex husband, I would seek his help to get this man out.

I’m sorry but your other daughter sounds absolutely awful! I’d be mortified if any of my partners had told my mum to shush! Let alone making my mum put one up for free who doesn’t have basic manners. Are you still on good terms with your husband? Would he be willing to come round sporadically and make his presence known/support you on getting this man out?

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

He leaves. It should have been then, but since that's a lost opportunity, make it now. Today.

This is ridiculous. You lost me at “he told me to shush” wtf
Bring your spine online and tell him to leave.

Why is he there. Ask him to leave. Now

If you re read some of the post ,its been assumed I think that this is a male partner of an older daughter ,and the child in question that she may not see, is a grandchild,not very clear ,but that seems to be the take on it.

You’re confusing it with “Crossie Road” which is for young children. I always used to get these two confused.

I know you don’t want to upset the apple cart, but you do not deserve to be treated like this.

After having a quick Google, it seems as he’s not paid rent or paid you costs, he’s deems a house guest. You are required to give him no notice.

I would have a male friend, relative or your ex to come and be there while you tell him to leave. I wouldn’t give notice as he could kick off. Give him notice, he’s got an hour to leave, and have a locksmith ready to arrive as he’s due to leave.

You are being made a mug of. Take steps to get him out of your house. He is not your responsibility. Anyone who told me to shush in my own home would be out the door so fast they would have whiplash

This. Actions speak louder than words. Given him a deadline and even if he changes beforehand, stick to it. He will revert if you do.

You cannot let your other daughter blackmail you into having this man live with you because you might not see your grandchildren. He needs to leave, he's rude and disrespectful in your house. You and your other daughter don't deserve this.